A Confession To Myself

It's finally time I stop lying to myself.

I'm scared. Of life, love, people, sex, and everything in between. I care too much what people think, how people will see me, or how I will see myself. I pretty much don't do anything for myself anymore. I do it for other people.

The whole "I'm abstinence because it's the right thing for me and it's in my religion" thing is true. But there's definitely more to it. I'm afraid of being used, heartbroken, or rejected. Maybe this traces back to my father practically walking out on my family and me, but at the same time maybe not. Sex is big for me, it really, truly is. It's something I think about all the time (yes, I'm just like every other teen, I get the hots sometimes too), but I can't imagine ever doing it. Not right now in my life, not in this stage of my life. Just not anytime soon.

And all this damn pressure! Goodness. I can make a whole list of who my friends have had sex with and how many times and where and what it was like (totally exaggerating here). Either all my friends are whores or I need to catch up.

I feel like I don't belong, like I'm not normal. I put on a fake face, go to school and pretend that when I get home all these thoughts won't flow through my head.

Confidence? Or lack there of? I seriously get nervous around my male teachers and they are in their 40s! That day I talked to Sean, no nerves. Afterwards, the next day at practice--so incredibly nervous. Why? I do not know. Maybe I lost some of that high self-esteem I carried during that conversation on the bus. Or maybe I'm just nervous because I feel like I have to impress him now. Either way, that whole Wisconsin thing (I refuse to go in detail, click the label if you want to know) really, totally thrashed my self esteem and it's never going to be as good as it was. Or at least not for a while.

I make excuses for myself, not having control scares me, being vulnerable makes my heart skip a beat and not looking like I have everything together is a no-no. I could go on and on about the things I need to fix about myself.

So when I say I need to stop lying to myself I mean stop telling myself the complete opposite of everything I just said. I need to learn to be true to myself because the way I am now is getting me nowhere and honestly, I'm annoying myself. I just want to live my life without being afraid of this or that or being so damn anxious all the time.

I just want to be happy.

P.S. This is my 200th post!

My New Years Resolutions

My second one:

Be more confident in myself.

There is always that voice telling me "You're beautiful."

But then there is always that voice telling me I'm not.

I actually never had a problem with this until last summer when I went to Wisconsin for a track meet and a few of the guys thought it would be fun to yell nasty things at me. 

That completely thrashed my self-esteem for a while. I wore more makeup, I perfected my hair where ever I went and I even started to dress more provocatively. 

After finding myself, and watching a few episodes of The Tyra Show (laughs),  my confidence was incredibly boosted.

But my New Years Resolution will be to stay confident and to believe in myself more.

I am beautiful, everyone is,  and it's time I start seeing that.

Besides, being insecure is too much work.

My Birthday!

photo credit

 My birthday went great! It was yesterday and 32 people posted on my Facebook wall telling me happy birthday and how much they loved me. I felt great! Presents? Shoes, money, love.

Every year, I get so excited about my birthday. God has blessed me enough to live another incredible year. With great opportunities (Wisconsin trip), amazing loved ones, and another school year to help me succeed in life. I sometimes take things for granted. But I know how blessed I truly am. I'm so glad to be one year older.
364 days until my next birthday!

5 Days

So as you all know, about three weeks ago I was invited to go to a track meet in Wisconsin. It would be from the 13th of July to the 18th. I was very nervous since I didn't know anyone except Derek and his sister. I'm very happy I went. I had an amazing time! I made lots of new friends. We went to an aquarium, watched fireworks over Lake Michigan, went to a party, went shopping, and ate out at Golden Corral. It was so much fun! At first it was awkward, but I got to know everyone and had a good time.

The only thing I didn't like were a couple boys there. They kept on making fun of me and calling me ugly. I was a little hurt at first... but then I got over it. Derek was really nice to me. We talked ALOT and flirted even more. He told me I should come back next year since it will be at the beach. And that I should wear a bikini! I hate that I fall for him so fast. Anyway, I will be back next year and I hope he will too. I'm glad I went to Wisconsin. I thought I'd be five days of boredom...but it definitely wasn't. Plus we won the gold at the track meet.

Repeat

So yesterday I had practice again. My second track practice this summer. I've been working out and eating better so that I'd have the energy to do my best during practice. I think it worked a little...except that I did feel horrible afterwards. What happened last week happened again yesterday. Except this time I didn't feel dizzy, I just felt hot, sick, tired, out of breath, and thirsty. So I got some water, went to the bathroom, laid down on the floor (in the handicapped stall), and relaxed. I felt like I had to "go" so I "went" and after wards left the bathroom. I then sat down in a cool, shaded area and waited to be picked up and go home. It was bad, but better than last week. It only lasted about 30 minutes as opposed to an hour and a half. I think I'll keep doing what I've been doing and I should be good.

I'll be going to Wisconsin in 7 days. Im SO nervous.

Breakdown

So, practice,yesterday, was a DISASTER. Not only was it awkward and everyone was staring at me...but I started running my workout. Which was eight 150's. I ran three of them and started to feel dizzy. Then I couldn't breathe, my stomach starting twisting up, my legs were so weak I couldn't walk, I felt light headed and tired and I couldn't even talk right. I tried to talk but all that came out was a few words that were kind of mumbled. No one could really understand me. I was a little embarrassed... but mostly in pain. I sat on the floor for like, an hour and a half, in pain, and trying to relax. I don't know what happened, maybe I just was in bad shape or I hadn't eaten enough (there's not much to eat at home). I have no idea. All I know is that I want to be done with track. I don't want something like that to happen again. I'll go to ONE more practice, and if that works out, I'll stick with track. I'll keep you updated. Wish me luck!

P.S. Sorry for the lack of pictures on my recent posts. I don't think any would match.

Wisconsin -update

After debating, Ive decided to just do it, sure I wont know anyone, but its called an Ipod honey. I can listen to it, get on facebook and chat with people. It'll be fun, Im sure of it. I can just pretend Derek doesn't exist.Im still crazy nervous, and I know that Ill get more and more anxious the closer the day comes. But Ill do it. I know I will regret it if I dont. Plus, its summer! Who wouldnt want to be going so far out of state to do the thing they love; running.

Wisconsin

Today, about an hour ago actually. My coach from track called and said she wanted me to compete in state at Wisconsin. Now, I live in the south, so agreeing to this was kind of hard. But, it was a good deal; free travel costs, free stay, free food. I didn't have to pay a thing. But I don't know how comfortable I am going, I wont know anyone and the people I do know, I don't really want to see. Like, Derek. Anyway, I'll have to start practicing again, I'll have to start eating healthy again. I already agreed, so I cant say no now. Plus, this is an amazing opportunity for me. I'm so nervous! We don't go until July 14 or so, but the nerves are killing me! It's been so long since Ive raced. Ill be doing little exercises and gradually build up, I'll be crazy sore! Alright, this post is beginning to be too long, so, bye.