Thoughts #12- Protective Parents

Why is it that some parents are so protective while others are more "realistic"? Yes there are drugs, alcohol, and sex going on with teens but that doesn't mean everyone is interested in that.

The way I see it, parents should be less concerned with what society's teens are up to and more concerned about what their teenager is up to. After all, that is the person they should be protecting, their own child.

I bring this up because today, actually about an hour ago, I asked my mom for a simple request (well it was simple in my eyes). I asked my mother if I could go to a fair with my two best friends, Sabrina and Eva.

Her response? She basically told me that I couldn't because teenagers hanging out with other teenagers is "dangerous" and that while driving all the laughing and talking is distracting and again--"dangerous". Uh, okay mom?

Let's not forget that these two ladies have been driving me around for the past year or two and that I hang out with them literally all the time. So why is it a problem now that were more grown and more independent?

What upsets me the most is not that I was not allowed to go but that she does not trust us, or me for that matter.

I am a good kid, I really am. I have never drank, smoked, had sex,and I rarely even cuss. I have friends who do all those things including shoplift, date men in their thirties, etc. Instead of comparing me to those "dangerous" teenagers, she should be commending me for the good morals, values, and behavior I have shown in these "wild" teen years.

Being too overprotective is what causes teens to rebel and become the wild, dangerous teen she doesn't want me to become. I hope she learns this soon because I'm tired of trying to be the best that I can be while being treated like I'm being the worst that I can be.

Images, respectively: nuchylee and adamr at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Thoughts #11- Natural is Beautiful

www.healthybeautyproject.com

I now realize that I never told you about the day I went with zero makeup to school.

I know that lots of girls come to school with no makeup and some girls don't ever wear makeup at all. But me, no. I normally wear makeup every single day to school. Whether it's just a small amount of mascara or an entire eye look with eyeshadow, eye liner and mascara.

Well, I was reading Seventeen Magazine one Saturday afternoon and there was this small article where girls all around the nation took a challenge to wear no makeup for a day. One girl even said that it took her less time to get ready in the morning. Of course, knowing me and how long it takes me to get ready for school, I accepted the challenge!

I planned to do it on Monday since the weekend is over and we're back in school, but I forgot. Tuesday morning, on my first day of exams, I woke up and was prepared. I took my shower, got dressed, did my hair, and completely skipped out on the makeup. I saved a whole 10-15 minutes and instead spent it on eating a good breakfast.

Throughout my day at school, I felt so confident, so free, so...pretty. No one gave me weird looks, no one even mentioned the fact that I was makeup-less. They probably didn't notice or could care less. So the 15 minutes I spend on makeup everyday is a total waste. It made me realize that wearing a lot of makeup makes me feel fake and unattractive, when in reality, natural is the most beautiful. I can't even begin to explain how great I felt!

Of course I was scared. I was expecting that everyone would ask me why I looked so different, or what happened to me. I was also expecting that I'd feel awkward and uncomfortable and unattractive. But none of that happened. In fact, my experience was so good that I didn't really wear makeup for the rest of the week--and I loved every second of it.

Thoughts #10- Where Art Thou Father?

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I was reading through my blog reading list and one of the people I follow posted a Q&A type thing, but one question really stuck with me:

"If you had the ability, strength and moment to tell one person on this Earth something that you've never said before- what would it be and to whom would you say it?"

Right off the bat I knew the answer to this. I would tell my father exactly how I feel about the way he abandoned my mom and left our family. I'd tell him how much it hurt to go through so many hard times in life and not have him there for support. When we lost our house, he wasn't there. When I had to be driven to the emergency room, he had no idea. When my Uncle died, we had to call him to drive up and come see us. He was never there and will never get to see me grow up.

I know he cares about me and my family. He calls when he hears theres been a natural disaster, he calls on Christmas, New Years, etc. But sometimes he doesn't remember things like Birthdays or graduation. We would have to call him to tell him about it.

That's just not the way things should happen in a family. Fathers should be around for their children and they are supposed to celebrate Christmas with their family. Like on TV.

Yes, not everything can be perfect. But something like this is no excuse for breaking up our family. And I will never, ever forgive him for ruining my childhood and family.

Thoughts #9- The Ones You Love, Hurt You The Most

www.getskinnybehappy.com

A couple of days ago I was getting a snack to eat and my mom looks at me and says "You're too skinny. You need to eat more food." I was pretty confused since she's never said anything about my weight before and didn't really seem to have a problem with it. I told her I was fine the way I was and went about my day. Then she continues with the nonsense..."It's ugly, you need to gain more weight. Every time I look at you it makes me upset to see how skinny you are."

You can sit there and say that she is just trying to help or just being a mother and didn't try to come off as mean, but no. Absolutely no excuses for saying that kind of bullshit (excuse my language). Remember that post I wrote about how it's not okay to call someone "too skinny" and think it doesn't offend them? Yeah, same situation here.

My mother seriously sat there thinking that it was perfectly fine to tell me that my body was ugly since I was too skinny. Really? You are my mom and this is what you're saying to me?

I was in shock, I simply stood there, said "thank you" and walked away. I don't know why I said thank you but I haven't really talked to her since. Maybe it's wrong, but I definitely expect an apology from her. Even if she doesn't think what she said was wrong, she can still she how much it upsets me. That should be enough to take a second out of your day to say "I'm sorry".

If there is one thing I learned from this it is that I will never trust my mother. Because all she will do is judge me. So if I lose my virginity and I regret it, I definitely won't be telling her. If someone says something to me at school that really hurts me, she will be the last to hear about it. And if I am really excited about a new boyfriend, I'll do everything possible to make sure she doesn't know about him. There is not one thing I want to share with that woman, ever again.

P.S. I'm a healthy 108 pound, 5"3 15 year old and couldn't be happier. As Tyra would say it, SO WHAT?

Thoughts #8- High School

Warning: This is a rant.

I went into high school thinking it would be all fun and games and that making friends would be easy and getting good grades would be easier.

I never had trouble with grades until this year. Lately I've been failing quizzes, making B's and C's on tests, and barely putting in effort for my projects. I have to force myself to get off the couch and start my homework.

I've been procrastinating like crazy and I've never been so lazy in my entire life!

I've also been getting in some drama with some girl. It's really not even worth mentioning.

On top of all that, I have practice every single day. It wouldn't be such a problem if track weren't so painful.

I've had calf cramps, shin splints, ankles pains, and knee pains. It's so difficult to run with and I'm icing my shins as I type.

Tomorrow I have another long day. I'll have to wake up early (possibly 6:00 AM) for a track meet and stay until about 6:00 pm or later!

After that I have tests to study for, projects to focus on and homework to finish.

All in a weekend that is far too short.

Why didn't anyone warn me that high school would be so hard?

Thoughts #7- Change

After posting my recent Quote Friday, it got me to thinking about my life and what's next. 

Am I going to be happy? Will I have the same friends as I do now? How will I see myself a year from now?

I can only wait for the answers to those questions. 

One of the things I fear the most in life would have to be change. 

I fear that if I let things go out of control, or out of my control, I will not be able to live with myself.

I cannot imagine doing one thing wrong and regretting it for the rest of my life. 

When things are going well--like right now--I want it to stay that way.

The thought of it changing scares me.

It's a fifty-fifty chance that something will go wrong...and most of the time, it does.

I know, I know; "change is good"

But to me, change is bad. If I like things the way they are and if I like how things are going, is it fair for it to change to something I would never want? 

All I know is that I'm satisfied with my life at the moment and the only changes I want are minor, but good changes.

Unfortunately, I don't get to control it.

photo credit: ale1980italy.files.wordpress.com

Thoughts #6- Sex, No Big Deal?

You always hear "when did teenagers start having sex"?

But I'm wondering when did sex become so meaningless?

Don't people want to have sex with the person they love? Doesn't anyone want to feel passion and romance towards the person they are with?

Image: Michal Marcol/FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

I feel like society, TV, movies and just regular people like you and me make sex seem like something everyone should just do for the fun of it.

As you all should know by now, I am a virgin. And a proud one at that.
I have no idea what sex is like, but I don't feel like I need to find some random guy and just "get it over with". As my best friend, Eva, has proved, that is not the way to go.

Image: photostock/FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

I want to have that connection with a guy, I want to feel closer to him.

I feel like sex brings a lot of powerful emotional feelings and if not with the right person, those feelings can be very confusing and ruin a relationship.
Which is why I never understand the people who have meaningless sex with any random person.
Do they not feel those feelings? Do they not care that they are missing out?

Image: Ambro/FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

Again, as you all should know, I'm abstinent.
I'm a very religious Christian and not only does it go against my faith, but it goes against my morals to have sex before marriage and especially with someone I am not in love with.

When I have sex for the first time, it will be with someone I love, someone I can't live without, someone I can trust...someone I can call my husband. And it will be amazing, because I want to look at my husband after my first time and say "I waited for you".

Thoughts #5- Size Doesn't Matter

This isn't going to be one of those typical stories telling you that you are perfect the way you are and that you shouldn't listen to what society thinks.

Because we all know that, and if you don't, you should.

This is me ranting. About how so many people think that skinny is unhealthy and that a "real woman" isn't thin. That it's okay to say "You need to eat!" to a thin person, and not think it's rude.

Just because we are thin doesn't mean we starve ourselves.
Just because we are thin, doesn't mean we have an eating disorder.
Just because we are thin, doesn't mean we are unhealthy.
And most importantly...
just because we are thin, does not mean we have easy lives and we don't have to worry about what we eat.

I'm 5"3 and 103 pounds.
My height is because my mother is short.
My weight is because I have a lot of muscle.

But never have I starved myself, made myself throw up, or taken laxatives. 
I may eat healthy, but that doesn't mean I'm always "dieting".

People assume things like that too easily. Some people are naturally skinny.
There is no such thing as "too skinny" if you are completely healthy.
I understand if someone is suffering from anorexia or some other disorder. But if the person is completely fine, let them be skinny!

There is a clear difference between an anorexic person and a normally thin person.

Anorexia

Naturally Thin

If people say size doesn't matter to girls with a bigger body, why doesn't it apply to girls with thinner bodies?

It makes me so angry when people say that thin girls are gross and unhealthy. What about the overweight or obese people who are at risk for many diseases?
Is that what I need to be to get everyone's approval?

People are too close minded and ignorant.

I refuse to change my lifestyle to meet other's standards. 
I love my healthy, naturally thin body and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Thoughts #4- Loss of Control

I feel like I've lost control. Over my body, my feelings, and my life.
I don't ever talk about it, but I feel so pathetic and useless without control.

Control is like oxygen to me.

I keep getting painful calf cramps after I run my workout at track. I feel lost. I don't know why this is happening? I know that dehydration and lack of good nutrition can trigger this.  I haven't been eating well or drinking enough water, but I'm scared that even if I do, it won't work and the cramps will come back.

Then my feelings. Yesterday after practice I stayed for the boys basketball game. I wasn't really paying attention but my eye did go to one person: Derek. (Now if you are new to my blog or just haven't read about Derek. You need to. Click the label at the end of this post.) I had those feeling come back again. I don't want to feel them and I refuse to acknowledge them.

You don't have to tell me for me to know that I have lost control over my life. I don't get to decide how or when I am going to do something. I don't get to decide how much money I will spend today because it depends on how much money I even have. If I need something, I can't ask and expect to get it soon. I will have to wait. I asked for my own room when I was in the 5th grade. It's been five fucking years and I still don't have a room to myself. I never have and probably never will unless my siblings go off to college. My life is on it's own road, it's just dragging me with it.

Last night, I came home and I cried. I've been holding back all this anger and sadness and telling everyone that I am okay. But I'm not.

Thoughts #3- Girls and Makeup

www.helpfulhealthtips.com

Makeup. I feel like girls who wear makeup are misunderstood. Not every makeup wearing girl in the world is insecure or ugly like some people think.

Wearing makeup is fun. There are so many colors to choose from, so many brands, so many products and so much you can do with it! Almost like being an artist. Your face is an empty canvas and you "paint" it with makeup. I know I always get excited when I buy new eyeshadow. Its just another thing I can play with!

nikkietutorials.com

Yes, some girls wear " a lot" of makeup. But that doesn't necessarily mean they are insecure or they think they are ugly. It could just be that they like the look of thick eyeliner, or they love wearing black eyeshadow on their entire eyelid. For them, makeup could be a hobby. Just like painting, or sewing, or any other creative hobby.
It is their preference of how much makeup is "too much" for them...not anyone else's.

Makeup is a good way to enhance your features. If you have beautiful, plump lips you can show them off with a pretty lipstick. Or if your eyes are the most gorgeous green, you can add a complementary eyeshadow color that will brighten up your eyes. When you're looking a little tired and dull, you can use some blush to bring some life into your face.

Wearing makeup is also a way to boost your confidence. I don't mean that anyone who wears makeup has no confidence without it. But makeup can give someone more confidence than they already have. 


I know that anytime I wear makeup, whether it is just a little eyeliner, a small amount of mascara, or a full face of makeup. I always feel a little more confident. Without makeup, I just feel like everyone else. I don't stand out and I don't feel as amazing as I do with makeup.

I sometimes feel insecure, with or without makeup. But everyone, men and women, boys and girls have those days.
Maybe I just got rejected, or someone said something hurtful to me and I lose a little of that confidence I've been carrying around. But I quickly pick myself back up. I accept that I'm not perfect.

You have to always keep in mind that you are beautiful, just like everyone in this world. Black, white, tall, short, thin, curvy, long hair, short hair, every race, every face, everyone is beautiful in their own way. It sounds cliche. But it's true. Even if you don't believe it.

Thoughts #2- PMS

My periods are the worst. I don't know if anyone else has it this bad, but they're awful.

photo credit

Lets start off with cramps. On a scale of one to ten, ten being the most painful, my cramps are a full blown ten. No exaggeration. One time, I had to rush to the emergency room (at 1:00 am) because my cramps were so bad...I couldn't even walk!
Once they start, there is no stopping them. Medicine will not work.
If my cramps are just starting I can quickly take some medicine and the pain will go away, and no longer continue.
But if I wake up from the pain of my cramps, then there is no hope for me.
Only a heating pad can treat my cramps once they have started. And sometimes that doesn't even work.

Then comes the headaches. Migraines really. Any dramatic movement I do will make my head start pounding. Loud noise, bright lights...all make my head pound even harder. I can put ice on my forehead, a hot towel on my forehead or take medicine. But it never makes a big enough impact. It still hurts and it doesn't really feel much better.

photo credit

The backaches are so uncomfortable too. You don't know how to position your body to stop it from being so painful. As with my cramps and headaches, once the backache has gone to a certain amount of pain, it will not go away with medicine.

Cravings, moodiness, clumsiness and laziness also applies to me during my period.
I tend to get over emotional, impatient, and bored with everything.
It hurts [ALOT] to poop, I get cramps in my vagina "wings" too...is that even normal?

Let me know if you have symptoms this bad. It happens almost every month. And to me, the pain is unbearable. Not to mention that I have an incredibly low tolerance for pain.

Thoughts #1- Sex

I realize I haven't posted anything interesting for a while, so I'm starting a new segment where I just ramble on about anything random. So here is the first one:

So my best friend Eva had sex. She isn't married, in fact, she probably isn't even in love. She says she is, but she doesn't know what love is.
With me being abstinent and all, hearing about her first time, before marriage makes me want to throw up. It disgusts me how little self respect and confidence she must have.
Anyway, she told me what happened that Friday night:

photo credit

Her boyfriend, let's just call him Jackass. Jackass went over to Eva's house and they watched TV, ate pizza, you know, the usual. Then Eva decided she was "ready" (ready my ass!). She turned the music loud, so no one heard, and they had sex...
She told me she didn't like it and that she felt uncomfortable and wanted to stop. So she made it clear to Jackass that she wanted to stop. He yelled at her, told her he wanted to keep going and she began to cry. He then stopped and tried to comfort her, but she continued to cry.

 Why would you be yelling at your girlfriend when she is handing you her virginity?! She later told me that she doesn't want to and wont do it again, and that she regrets it. But I know she will do it again, and probably soon.
That's just who she is now.

But if she had listened to the one billion times I told her to wait, she probably would have enjoyed her first time having sex. Rather than the 2 minutes with Jackass rubbing inside her.

Stupid Eva and Jackass...what's worse is that I don't feel bad for her at all. As a "true" Christian, she should have felt the need to wait. And he should have supported her.

P.S. Today is exactly one month after my birthday!