10 Days and Counting....

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Wow, it has already been 2 weeks of school? I don't even remember what the first day was like now.

I've been enjoying school, this year is already very tough but I'm trying to get my act together early on so that I don't struggle later. The teachers are not joking and will not personally help you unless you request it. I imagine this is what college will feel like.

Sabrina and I are becoming better friends. At the begining of school we barely talked at lunch. Two days in a row we didn't even sit next to each other. She wouldn't save me a seat and didn't really give a shit whether or not I had to sit alone.

Last time I checked, that's not how a best friend was supposed to act. If that were me and I saw that the table was full and she would have to sit alone I would immediately pick up my tray and find a place for us to sit together. Honestly, I would not have hesitated.

Anyway, she called me one day after school apologizing for completely ignoring me during lunch. She made some lame excuses but I do think her apology was legitimate. I think she really meant it, especially since after that talk we have been sitting together, even if we were alone. Sabrina's a good friend, she just gets caught up in the wrong mess sometimes. 

Track conditioning (early practice before season starts) has already started. Actually it started on the first day of school! Insane right? I haven't gone yet but I'm hoping to begin going next week. I think that would be a great idea since I need to get back into shape before the new indoor track season begins.

Remember how I said that I saw Sean in the hallways a few times and how incredibly awkward it was? Well, ever since then it's been like he is avoiding me. If I ever do see him he's either walking really quickly or in the other direction. We obviously cross paths while changing classes, I don't see why he has to make it a big deal. He's probably finding every way possible to go an alternative way just so we don't have to awkwardly pass each other in the hallway.

I don't know, I'm probably over thinking it.

So far that's all that's happened at school. Tomorrow's another Monday so I'm sure I'll have something to report later in the week.

BYOC

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How much makeup do you wear daily, how long does it take you and are you loyal to certain brands?

I don't wear too much makeup. At least in my opinion. No one can really say you're wearing "too much makeup." Every body has a different preference. As for brands, I just buy what I see.

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Repeat question: I’m going to pick a person not knowing your relationship with them (or even if there is one) and you try to describe this person in 5 words/short sentences.  

Your oldest paternal aunt.

It really sucks that I'm going to have to skip this question because I hardly know my oldest paternal aunt. It really is a shame.

Tell me about your first real kiss and how old you were.

I was in the first grade and I had a crush on a boy named Timothy. I guess he liked me too because every day during recess/free time we would go behind a bookshelf and makeout the whole time. I don't remember much but I do remember how amazing it was! That's the only thing I remember too...he was a pretty damn good kisser for his age.

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If I gave you $1000.00 and told you that you had to give it to a charity – which charity would you choose and why?

I would choose any charity that would help get care to children and teens that have come out of abusive homes and relationships and have no place to stay, no food to eat and no money to take care of themselves. I'm not familiar with names but any organization that can do that can have my money.

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Repeat question: Summarize your week in blog land and in real life.

Blog life has been great! Although I'm not blogging every day, I really am enjoying posting regularly. Especially now that school has started.

Real life, very tiring. I am exhausted after running around that big school trying to get to class on time! It's a workout in itself. I've been seeing Sean a lot around the halls and its insanely awkward. Probably not for him, but definitely for me. It's just weird. If he knew how much I've been thinking about him over the summer, he'd be feeling awkward too. I'm trying to forget about him and hoping we can be friends once track starts but for now I want to avoid him as much as possible.

2 Days and Counting...

I really thought I would hate high school.

I thought I would be lost at the school and not be able to find any of my classes  but that's not the case. I mean, some classes have been harder to find than others but knowing the room number really helps.

I'm actually having a lot of fun here. I was already in high school but it didn't really feel like it. Being at a freshman campus was not fun at all. Now I'm at "the big school" with the seniors and juniors and it's so exciting!

I feel like I'm growing up and maturing.

I've made a pact with myself this year that I was going to crawl out of my shell, be more confident and be more outgoing than last year, especially since last year I wasn't feeling very confident due to the dreadful Wisconsin trip.

So far, so good. I'm showing personality, I'm being more outgoing and I'm trying to have a little more fun while I can.

I really hope this year will be great!

P.S. Guess who I saw in the halls? Yup, I passed Sean several times in the hallway or going up the stairs. I even saw him in the courtyard just talking to his friends. He did not say one word to me, he didn't even look at me. But I know that he knew I was there. We were pretty close to each other since the halls were so full. It hurt my feelings to be honest, I guess I should have saw it coming. It's not like we're best friends or something.

BYOC

It's Just Me, Drazil, and Sheniqua is one of my favorite blogs to read. Every Friday she does BYOC--Bring Your Own Crazy where she makes up a few questions and then answers and encourages us to answer as well.

So I've decided this will become a weekly thing because I don't want to neglect my blog and I enjoy doing these.

Keep in my mind that she creates these questions, but I'm going to re-word a few to keep it a little less confusing for those who aren't readers of her blog (which you should be, it's amazing).

So here we go.

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Sun or Rain? Roses or Tulips? Romantic Movie or Comedy?

Sun when I'm awake, rain when I'm going to sleep. I absolutely LOVE falling asleep to rain. Seriously, it's like heaven. So calming and soothing.

Roses for sure. White roses to be exact. So beautiful.When we get married, Shemar Moore and I will happily have white roses at our reception.

Romantic Movie or Comedy? Honestly, I'm a hopeless romantic, so I'd say romantic movie. But I love my romantic comedies so I'll have to cheat on this question.

What's your favorite ice cream flavor?

Oh, well thank you for asking. Cookies and cream is my absolute favorite! I also love Plain Vanilla, French Vanilla Bean and Strawberry ice cream.

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Are you a door locker - in your house and car?

Yes. If you have been reading my blog for a while you know I have a huge fear of open doors. Well maybe not fear, but I get super anxious when a door or window is not closed all the way.

Imagine how crazy things would get if I didn't lock the damn doors?

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Tell me your "go to remedies" for when you are sick?

If you mean crying, complaining, taking Tylenol, complaining some more, sleeping, crying some more, even more complaining and finally some more Tylenol, then sure, I'd love to tell you.

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Repeat question:  Summarize your week in blog land and in real life.

Blog land: I am loving posting again! I haven't regularly posted in a while but I have posted a total of three times this week.

Come on...you have to give me something for that.

Real life: Well, supporters of the "Eva and Minty Friendship" will be happy to hear that we are on speaking terms again. I woke up today with message after message of her telling me that she hasn't given up on our friendship and that she wants to continue being friends. She also told me that it was no one's fault and we're just going to have to get past this.

Thank you! I'm glad she wasn't just ignoring the issue. It was really starting to upset me. Turns out, she was out of town the whole time she wasn't replying.

Registration was also today, we couldn't do it yesterday for some reason so we tried again today and it worked out perfectly. I don't have classes with any of my friends, but I'm okay with that.

I was hoping I'd see Sean, but no such luck. Maybe it's a good thing. After all, it'd just bring back feelings that I'm afraid to feel.

Love...At First Sight

I've spent this entire Summer thinking about Sean. Wishing I could see him again, wishing he was mine. Just wishing I could go back and make things between us happen.

So far one month of Summer Break is up and not one week has passed when I haven't thought to myself "I want him to be mine."

It's pathetic, yes. It's sad, I know.

The chances of anything ever happening between us is so slim. Maybe he's just not interested anymore.

Is it so wrong that I want to be with him? I've never felt like this. Ever.

If only...

He is seriously my dream guy (minus a few things of course). I've said it before, but I'll gladly say it again. He's sweet, funny, nice and outgoing. He's incredibly attractive with an amazing smile and outstanding body. He makes me feel confident and pretty. Probably 85% of the times we've seen each other have been times when I'm sweaty or makeup free and he treats me the same and I feel the same.

It seems so simple with him. He knows how to treat a girl. He's honest and he's so respectful. The only type of guy I'd ever want to be with. I'm just so sure that he doesn't feel the same way that it kills me.

I don't want to get ahead of myself, I'm only 15 after all, but...maybe it really was love at first sight with Sean. I don't believe in it but how else can I explain this?

I mean, did that bus ride conversation end there? Is that as far as it's going to go?

Because it's a shame if it is.

Hurry Up or Wait My Turn?

As always, I'm talking about sex, abstinence, and my friends. What's one more time, right?

Today I woke up to my friend Sabrina messaging me and telling me every little detail of her date the day before. She's been talking to this guy for months, let's call him Ben, and they finally met up at the movies. From what she told me, they did not watch that movie at all!

Apparently they were touching all over each other. She gave him a handjob, she got rubbed all over the place and squeezed all over the place, and they made out for half the movie. I'm not upset about it or jealous or anything.

Just feeling pressured.

I hate to make this about me, but what the hell, this is my blog. I feel like I need to jump on the bandwagon of girls with little to no self-respect.

I mean, don't you want to get to know the guy first and see if he's just looking for some girl to satisfy him or if he actually cares about you and likes you? I don't like to regret anything. Therefore I don't want to do something I'm not ready for.

Not only am I scared of her heart getting broken by this player, but I'm also scared she will do something she will regret, or worse--get an STD or get pregnant. I know for a fact they plan to have sex since he's a guy and she's one of those dumb, horny girls on that same wagon.

I know I'm speaking horribly of my friend and if she ever saw this she wouldn't ever speak to me again, but I can't help but feel the way I feel. I was raised different than this and will always stand by those values.

And it's not just Sabrina and Ben, but it's Eva and Jackass, and a million of my other friends that are having sex. Even Sean has talked about his sexual relationships! I really did and do plan on waiting, but I just feel like eventually sex is all my friends will talk about and I won't be able to relate to them anymore. Not only that but I'll feel awkward and left out. Almost like I need to find some random guy to have sex with just so I can carry a conversation with them.

It's time like these where I feel so confused. And I don't like to talk to anyone about it because no one understands. They just tell me "sex isn't that big of a deal, calm down". Yeah, maybe not to you, or the majority of the world, but to me it is and always will be. It's just hard for me to understand how little people care.

And to answer your question, yes, I will be "waiting my turn". I don't plan on losing my virginity until I'm ready.

Last Goodbye

Last night we had our track banquet for the 2011 season. Not only did I have a lot of fun but me and a certain someone had a little "moment". Or at least I'd like to call it that.

First let's talk about the banquet in general. Our entire team reunited and we had dinner and talked and had a good time. Afterwards awards, trophies, and certificates were given out to certain athletes. There were Coachs' Awards, Most Outstanding Athlete Award and etc. I was lucky to win one of the Coach's Awards where one coach gets to pick two of their top, or favorite, athletes (a guy and a girl). I was beyond excited to get one, especially as a freshman! Sean also got an award, but that was for Most Outstanding Athlete.

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Alright, now to the good stuff. Sean and I had a moment before we left the banquet. Everyone was taking pictures, and saying their last goodbyes and we sat there and talked about this year and how fun the season was. And then...he shook my hand as if to say "Good season, you performed great", only, he held onto my hand after the hand shake! It was a good minute or two before we both realized what was going on and let go. And let me just say, his hands are so soft! We ended our conversation by saying that we all have to get together and do something over the summer.

Yes, yes we do Sean.

photo credit: www.goshoals.org

The Best Days of My Life

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As I mentioned in my last post, this past weekend was State Championships for track! It was held near the beach and was on Friday and Saturday. We left Thursday morning since the meet started really early on Friday and it took a good 6 hours to drive there.

I had a seriously amazing time on the trip. Everyone was just having a good time and enjoying our last couple of days together. Of course, I did talk to Sean. Not as much as I would of liked and definitely not as much as we talked in South Carolina, but we still had a few short conversations and it was nice. I love the feeling I get when I talk to him. Almost like nothing could go wrong and I'm in the best place in the world.

But Thursday, when we went to the beach, I barely even saw him. He was practically avoiding me. When I went to swim in the ocean he left to play volleyball. When I was about to play volleyball, he left to go swimming. I don't really understand why he doesn't want to be around me. I mean, I didn't do anything...

Along with talking to Sean and seeing his hot self at the beach (shirtless!), our team did great at State. Not only do we have seven State Champions on our team, but we also placed really well. The boys won State and the girls got second. We lost by TWO points. Just two. By the last race we were tied for first with another team and we unfortunately lost. We started at a really good lead with the 4x400 relay. But by the third runner we lost our lead and our fourth runner couldn't catch us up. I'm not disappointed though. We all ran our best and most of us ran a personal record! I normally run a 400 in 60-61 seconds but on Saturday I ran it in 59 seconds! Seconds mean a lot in track so when I ran it in 59 seconds I was beyond excited! That has been my goal all year and I reached it!

In all the trip was amazing. Probably the best I've ever been on. I became closer friends with some people, made new friends with others, and just had a great time--period! I cannot wait for next year's track season to begin because I'm still on a high from this past weekend.

Success

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I have some pretty exciting news. Exciting for me at least! Today we had Sectionals for track and if you finished in the top six you get to go to State. And guess who made it to State? Yes, that would be me.

Our 4x400 meter relay team qualified for State! We finished second in our race but had a really good time. I'm really excited because my favorite runner, Sean, is going also! State is going to be held in an area right on the beach so we will of course be going down there for an hour or so, just for fun.

I have been waiting for this day to see Sean in all his hot shirtless glory! You don't even know. Don't worry, after State I will be writing a nice, long, detailed post all about what happened.

What makes me upset is that after this week and after state I don't get to see him until next year. I'm a freshman and he's a junior so most likely I won't see him around school. Track is really the best way for me to see him.

All I can do is make the best of this last week and just have fun. Yeah, that sounds about right. I'll let you know how that works out.

Loss of Interest

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I'm pretty sure Sean has lost interest in me. It's weird to say that considering we've probably talked a total of five times in the last two weeks but I still think he has lost interest. We haven't had a real conversation in almost a week and when I pass by him there's no "Hey" and he doesn't flash that gorgeous smile at me.

We had a meet yesterday and I spent all day with him. We literally talked like, twice. And it wasn't even anything special. Twice is better than nothing...right?

I guess this is kind of my fault. I've been all shy around him and avoided him for a few days so he's probably thinking that I'm the one who's uninterested. I really hope not because I love talking to him, even if it's to tell him that he did a good job in his race. He's a super nice and really sweet guy. Plus, he's crazy attractive. I think I've mentioned that a few times.

He's a junior so I feel like we have nothing in common--therefore nothing to talk about. But I have school and practice tomorrow so maybe I'll talk to him then.

A Confession To Myself

It's finally time I stop lying to myself.

I'm scared. Of life, love, people, sex, and everything in between. I care too much what people think, how people will see me, or how I will see myself. I pretty much don't do anything for myself anymore. I do it for other people.

The whole "I'm abstinence because it's the right thing for me and it's in my religion" thing is true. But there's definitely more to it. I'm afraid of being used, heartbroken, or rejected. Maybe this traces back to my father practically walking out on my family and me, but at the same time maybe not. Sex is big for me, it really, truly is. It's something I think about all the time (yes, I'm just like every other teen, I get the hots sometimes too), but I can't imagine ever doing it. Not right now in my life, not in this stage of my life. Just not anytime soon.

And all this damn pressure! Goodness. I can make a whole list of who my friends have had sex with and how many times and where and what it was like (totally exaggerating here). Either all my friends are whores or I need to catch up.

I feel like I don't belong, like I'm not normal. I put on a fake face, go to school and pretend that when I get home all these thoughts won't flow through my head.

Confidence? Or lack there of? I seriously get nervous around my male teachers and they are in their 40s! That day I talked to Sean, no nerves. Afterwards, the next day at practice--so incredibly nervous. Why? I do not know. Maybe I lost some of that high self-esteem I carried during that conversation on the bus. Or maybe I'm just nervous because I feel like I have to impress him now. Either way, that whole Wisconsin thing (I refuse to go in detail, click the label if you want to know) really, totally thrashed my self esteem and it's never going to be as good as it was. Or at least not for a while.

I make excuses for myself, not having control scares me, being vulnerable makes my heart skip a beat and not looking like I have everything together is a no-no. I could go on and on about the things I need to fix about myself.

So when I say I need to stop lying to myself I mean stop telling myself the complete opposite of everything I just said. I need to learn to be true to myself because the way I am now is getting me nowhere and honestly, I'm annoying myself. I just want to live my life without being afraid of this or that or being so damn anxious all the time.

I just want to be happy.

P.S. This is my 200th post!

Just Another Day

By now I have completely failed on the whole "let's not crush on Sean" thing. Yes, I fall too easy and this is no exception.

I mean, I've been attracted to him for a while (or you could just say I think he's H.O.T!), but I haven't actually had a real crush on him until now.

Yesterday I had another track meet to go to and it was awful. The only good parts were the ones where I got to talk to Sean. Just like last time, we joked around, laughed, and just had fun. We didn't talk for long since he had to go run his next event.

At the end of the track meet I called my brother to pick me up and it took him about an hour and a half to finally pick me up! I was just sitting out there in the cold, all alone, embarrassed and humiliated. Sean came up to me and asked me for a ride and would not leave until he knew I was going to get home safely. It was so sweet. He is such a nice guy, it's unreal.
After I made it very clear that I'd be fine and that my brother was on his way, he left. But it made me feel better to know that he was willing to take me home.

And to be honest, I should have taken his offer. I was there for another 30 minutes and I would love to ride in a car alone with Sean for 10 or 15 minutes. It could have been amazing.

I don't want to be in a relationship with him but at the same time I do--I really don't know what I want. All I know is that eventually I want what's in that picture above. With Sean or just anyone. But hopefully it's with Sean. (;

I'm So Excited, I Just Can't Hide It!

So I know I said I wouldn't start crushing...but I am! Sean and I talked again today. I sound like such a freshman, but I don't even care. We had a nice conversation after practice and even if it wasn't as long as the one on the bus, it was still great! I'm pretty much letting down all my walls and letting out all of my excitement. At this point, I don't even care how immature or weird I seem. I mean, Sean is this super attractive, really athletic, nice, sweet, funny guy and he actually wants to sit down and talk to me? Yeah, it's pretty amazing. And especially after what went down in Wisconsin, this makes me feel incredible.

Okay, that's it. See you in my next post.

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A Person of Interest

I was invited by my coaches to travel to South Carolina for the 19th Annual Taco Bell Classic Track Meet. It's one of the nation's biggest track meets so of course I was excited to go!
We drove in a charter bus for about 6-7 hours until we got to SC and checked into our hotels.

The meet was on Friday and finals were on Saturday. I competed both days but didn't place for any of them. I made some personal records, so my times were good, but it was a super competitive meet.

Anyway, on Friday, after we competed in the trials, we went back to our hotel rooms for the night. The girls and boys stayed in the same hotel so it wasn't hard to sneak boys into our room. So guess who came to our room? Yep, Derek and his friend. Sabrina was one of my roommates and it surprised me how comfortable I was.

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Derek and I are slowly becoming friends and Sabrina and I have gone past the whole make out thing. I think I have grown to realize I cannot have every guy I want and I just need to wait for the right one to come along. If Derek makes Sabrina happy--it's whatever, really. We just hung out for a couple hours, just having fun and joking around. It was a really amazing night.

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Now, for the best part of the story; the bus ride home. We competed Saturday then made our way back home. I fell asleep for about an hour and woke up to Sabrina and Sean (a guy on my track team that I have the hots for) sitting next to me. I was about to die when I realized it was him. He is beyond sexy and has an amazing personality! I don't know how it happened but we just started talking and kept talking for a good 2 or 3 hours, maybe more. We talked about pet peeves, obsessions, ourselves, each other, even past relationships. The most random of things--we talked about. We joked around, laughed, and just had fun!
I can tell you one thing, Sean is one of the nicest, sweetest, funniest guys I know.

I wish I could tell you more about him, but that was literally the most I have ever talked to him. We really didn't know each other until then.

Now I'm trying this new thing where I crush on a guy and take it slow. I don't want to end up falling for him and then getting my heart broken like I did with Derek. I need to give it time and let nature take it's course. 

If someone told me that Sean and I would become friends this weekend, I wouldn't believe it. But it happened, and I love it!