BYOC

It's Just Me, Drazil, and Sheniqua is one of my favorite blogs to read. Every Friday she does BYOC--Bring Your Own Crazy where she makes up a few questions and then answers and encourages us to answer as well.

So I've decided this will become a weekly thing because I don't want to neglect my blog and I enjoy doing these.

Keep in my mind that she creates these questions, but I'm going to re-word a few to keep it a little less confusing for those who aren't readers of her blog (which you should be, it's amazing).

So here we go.

ambientevistoriado.com

Sun or Rain? Roses or Tulips? Romantic Movie or Comedy?

Sun when I'm awake, rain when I'm going to sleep. I absolutely LOVE falling asleep to rain. Seriously, it's like heaven. So calming and soothing.

Roses for sure. White roses to be exact. So beautiful.When we get married, Shemar Moore and I will happily have white roses at our reception.

Romantic Movie or Comedy? Honestly, I'm a hopeless romantic, so I'd say romantic movie. But I love my romantic comedies so I'll have to cheat on this question.

What's your favorite ice cream flavor?

Oh, well thank you for asking. Cookies and cream is my absolute favorite! I also love Plain Vanilla, French Vanilla Bean and Strawberry ice cream.

www.autolocksmithswatford.co.uk

Are you a door locker - in your house and car?

Yes. If you have been reading my blog for a while you know I have a huge fear of open doors. Well maybe not fear, but I get super anxious when a door or window is not closed all the way.

Imagine how crazy things would get if I didn't lock the damn doors?

www.efibromyalgiapainrelief.org

Tell me your "go to remedies" for when you are sick?

If you mean crying, complaining, taking Tylenol, complaining some more, sleeping, crying some more, even more complaining and finally some more Tylenol, then sure, I'd love to tell you.

diarygiftideas.com

Repeat question:  Summarize your week in blog land and in real life.

Blog land: I am loving posting again! I haven't regularly posted in a while but I have posted a total of three times this week.

Come on...you have to give me something for that.

Real life: Well, supporters of the "Eva and Minty Friendship" will be happy to hear that we are on speaking terms again. I woke up today with message after message of her telling me that she hasn't given up on our friendship and that she wants to continue being friends. She also told me that it was no one's fault and we're just going to have to get past this.

Thank you! I'm glad she wasn't just ignoring the issue. It was really starting to upset me. Turns out, she was out of town the whole time she wasn't replying.

Registration was also today, we couldn't do it yesterday for some reason so we tried again today and it worked out perfectly. I don't have classes with any of my friends, but I'm okay with that.

I was hoping I'd see Sean, but no such luck. Maybe it's a good thing. After all, it'd just bring back feelings that I'm afraid to feel.

Lost Friendship

I don't deserve to have Eva as a friend. She has always been there for me and has done twists and turns to keep me happy when I needed it most. But where am I when she needs me?

No where.

I'm just at home, sitting on my ass and being lazy.

Her birthday was last week and only just realized a few days ago. I didn't call her, meet up with her or even get her a gift!

I'm a horrible best friend.

I have known her for almost six years now and I couldn't even remember to dial her phone number and  tell her "Happy Birthday, I love you". Nope, not even that.

And then I thought it would be okay to send her a message on Facebook apologizing and telling her I'd have a gift for her.

Really? That's how I make up for being a shitty friend?

I was shocked, but happy, when she replied and didnt seem upset. Even though I know she was.

I don't know what has happened to me. I've been so lost in life and I really do not know what is going on. I've lost touch with my friends and have to force myself to call them or talk to them.

I want to keep Eva as a friend but now I don't know if she wants to have me as a friend. A friendship has to work on both ends.

We're currently planning a sleepover but I don't know if it's going to work out and I really don't know what it's going to be like if it does. It will be awkward since we dropped from being best friends to just...friends. Or at least that's how I feel.

I feel so horrible. I miss being her friend, I miss the way things used to be, when I wasn't so distant.

I blame the 8th grade. I blame society. I blame school. But maybe I should just be blaming myself.

"Friendship isn't about whom you have known the longest... It's about who came, and never left your side." ~Author Unknown

No Vulnerability

dark.pozadia.org

I know what my problem is.

I shut people out. I don't allow myself to get emotionally attached to anyone. I'm afraid to come off as weak.

Why? Because as soon as I do, that person will be gone.

When I was a young, so young I can't even remember, my father left us. My mom always tells me how he didn't treat us right and how his own friends even noticed. My mom took us and started a new life for us. A life without my father. A life my father clearly enjoyed.

At first he would visit us all the time and call almost everyday. He'd be there for Christmas, New Years, Birthdays, even small things like if one of us got sick. But eventually he stopped. He stopped calling, visiting, and he stopped caring.

At that point I was old enough to know what was going on. He had become a drunk, a smoker and someone who couldn't get enough of partying. We, his own family, didn't even matter to him anymore.

I was attached, too far in and was crushed.

He'd call...sometimes. He'd visit...rarely. He'd care...enough to send money. Other than that, he was barely my father. More like a stranger.

Thankfully I was young and was able to trust again.

Fast forward to Junior High. My first year of Junior High I met a girl. We can call her Jennifer. We instantly became friends and in no time were best friends. We'd go to the mall every weekend and I'd spend the night at her house every other weekend. If I had a problem I'd call her crying and she was always there to comfort me. She didn't judge me and never made me feel bad about myself. Jennifer, to this day, was the best friend I had ever had. One day I got a call from her saying that shes moving. I was speechless. She was moving to Indiana. Far, far away from where we lived at the time. She moved that summer. We kept in touch for about a year and then we never saw each other again. She was my best friend, and she left me. She left my life.

Through all of this my other "best friend" Eva was mad at me, for a good two months. Why? I have no idea. One day she just refused to talk to me. I'd beg her to talk to me, work things out. But she refused to even be in the same room as me. It hurt me so much that she didn't care. I had no one to talk to.

I'd lost Eva and Jennifer. And soon I'd lose someone else.

My Uncle had been suffering from Bacterial Meningitis for about a year and a half. He was always in unbearable pain, screaming for his life, praying the pain would end. At one point he lost his sight. We knew the end was near. When it happened--when he died--I didn't even cry. Didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say or how to feel. My mom broke the news to me. I was quiet for a moment and then I said "how?" Apparently the doctors found him dead in his hospital bed. This is the man that lived with us for years. Since I could remember! He was my father-figure. In my mind, he replaced my father. The man I loved so much and he too, like my dad, Eva, and Jennifer, left me.

Another two years passed. Eva and I became friends again, but now she's a slut. At this point she didn't give two shits about me. She was head over heels for this guy in our school called Kevin. Some guy who made his way through life thinking only with his penis. Anytime he was around, it's like I wasn't. She'd give him handjobs during class, expose herself to him. She practically said to him "I'm here, take advantage of me. Make me worthless" And that's exactly what he did.

I'd try to tell her that he wasn't right for her. That she's gorgeous and she deserved better. She'd get mad at me, ignore me and talk bad about me to her other friends. "Minty's a virgin, she doesn't understand, she's too religious, she'll never do anything" Words can't explain how much it hurt. I was trying to help her and she rejected me.

As much as it hurt me to see I was slowly losing my best friend, I also knew I didn't want to feel this way again. I didn't want to feel the way I did when I got that call from Jennifer, I didn't want to feel the way I did the night I begged Eva to talk to me and she refused. I didn't want that horrible feeling I had when my Uncle passed. And I definitely didn't want to feel the way I did on the first birthday I spent without a father.

I learned to shut out my feelings and avoid feeling them at all. The more I shut people out the easier it became to deal with things. The less I was hurt, the easier things were. It hurts to hold it all in, but I can't be vulnerable. I've been hurt too many times and I refuse to feel that way again.

Hurry Up or Wait My Turn?

As always, I'm talking about sex, abstinence, and my friends. What's one more time, right?

Today I woke up to my friend Sabrina messaging me and telling me every little detail of her date the day before. She's been talking to this guy for months, let's call him Ben, and they finally met up at the movies. From what she told me, they did not watch that movie at all!

Apparently they were touching all over each other. She gave him a handjob, she got rubbed all over the place and squeezed all over the place, and they made out for half the movie. I'm not upset about it or jealous or anything.

Just feeling pressured.

I hate to make this about me, but what the hell, this is my blog. I feel like I need to jump on the bandwagon of girls with little to no self-respect.

I mean, don't you want to get to know the guy first and see if he's just looking for some girl to satisfy him or if he actually cares about you and likes you? I don't like to regret anything. Therefore I don't want to do something I'm not ready for.

Not only am I scared of her heart getting broken by this player, but I'm also scared she will do something she will regret, or worse--get an STD or get pregnant. I know for a fact they plan to have sex since he's a guy and she's one of those dumb, horny girls on that same wagon.

I know I'm speaking horribly of my friend and if she ever saw this she wouldn't ever speak to me again, but I can't help but feel the way I feel. I was raised different than this and will always stand by those values.

And it's not just Sabrina and Ben, but it's Eva and Jackass, and a million of my other friends that are having sex. Even Sean has talked about his sexual relationships! I really did and do plan on waiting, but I just feel like eventually sex is all my friends will talk about and I won't be able to relate to them anymore. Not only that but I'll feel awkward and left out. Almost like I need to find some random guy to have sex with just so I can carry a conversation with them.

It's time like these where I feel so confused. And I don't like to talk to anyone about it because no one understands. They just tell me "sex isn't that big of a deal, calm down". Yeah, maybe not to you, or the majority of the world, but to me it is and always will be. It's just hard for me to understand how little people care.

And to answer your question, yes, I will be "waiting my turn". I don't plan on losing my virginity until I'm ready.

Last Goodbye

Last night we had our track banquet for the 2011 season. Not only did I have a lot of fun but me and a certain someone had a little "moment". Or at least I'd like to call it that.

First let's talk about the banquet in general. Our entire team reunited and we had dinner and talked and had a good time. Afterwards awards, trophies, and certificates were given out to certain athletes. There were Coachs' Awards, Most Outstanding Athlete Award and etc. I was lucky to win one of the Coach's Awards where one coach gets to pick two of their top, or favorite, athletes (a guy and a girl). I was beyond excited to get one, especially as a freshman! Sean also got an award, but that was for Most Outstanding Athlete.

photo credit: www.deviantart.com

Alright, now to the good stuff. Sean and I had a moment before we left the banquet. Everyone was taking pictures, and saying their last goodbyes and we sat there and talked about this year and how fun the season was. And then...he shook my hand as if to say "Good season, you performed great", only, he held onto my hand after the hand shake! It was a good minute or two before we both realized what was going on and let go. And let me just say, his hands are so soft! We ended our conversation by saying that we all have to get together and do something over the summer.

Yes, yes we do Sean.

photo credit: www.goshoals.org

A Confession To Myself

It's finally time I stop lying to myself.

I'm scared. Of life, love, people, sex, and everything in between. I care too much what people think, how people will see me, or how I will see myself. I pretty much don't do anything for myself anymore. I do it for other people.

The whole "I'm abstinence because it's the right thing for me and it's in my religion" thing is true. But there's definitely more to it. I'm afraid of being used, heartbroken, or rejected. Maybe this traces back to my father practically walking out on my family and me, but at the same time maybe not. Sex is big for me, it really, truly is. It's something I think about all the time (yes, I'm just like every other teen, I get the hots sometimes too), but I can't imagine ever doing it. Not right now in my life, not in this stage of my life. Just not anytime soon.

And all this damn pressure! Goodness. I can make a whole list of who my friends have had sex with and how many times and where and what it was like (totally exaggerating here). Either all my friends are whores or I need to catch up.

I feel like I don't belong, like I'm not normal. I put on a fake face, go to school and pretend that when I get home all these thoughts won't flow through my head.

Confidence? Or lack there of? I seriously get nervous around my male teachers and they are in their 40s! That day I talked to Sean, no nerves. Afterwards, the next day at practice--so incredibly nervous. Why? I do not know. Maybe I lost some of that high self-esteem I carried during that conversation on the bus. Or maybe I'm just nervous because I feel like I have to impress him now. Either way, that whole Wisconsin thing (I refuse to go in detail, click the label if you want to know) really, totally thrashed my self esteem and it's never going to be as good as it was. Or at least not for a while.

I make excuses for myself, not having control scares me, being vulnerable makes my heart skip a beat and not looking like I have everything together is a no-no. I could go on and on about the things I need to fix about myself.

So when I say I need to stop lying to myself I mean stop telling myself the complete opposite of everything I just said. I need to learn to be true to myself because the way I am now is getting me nowhere and honestly, I'm annoying myself. I just want to live my life without being afraid of this or that or being so damn anxious all the time.

I just want to be happy.

P.S. This is my 200th post!

Q&A Time!

photo credit: roma.theoffside.com

How do you handle criticism?
When it's bad...I simply ignore it. I'm not sure whether or not that is a good thing but it's what I do.
I'm one of those people that can be very strong and brave but I have a clear limit and sometimes things I hear or see can push that limit. When I get in that situation, I completely block it out and pretend the hate around me is not there.
That way I can't get hurt.

Who had or has had the greatest impact on your life?
Probably God. I know that sounds cheesy, but I'm serious. I've always been a Christian but I have never really gotten into my religion. When times got really hard and I had no one to go to, I went to God. I do not think my life would be as good as it is now if he wasn't with me.

If you had a friend that spoke to you the way YOU speak to yourself – would you keep them as a friend and for how long?
Yes. I'm very positive to myself. I refuse to be one of those girls who complain about their bodies or put themselves down just because they aren't doing or looking their best that day. No one can be perfect and I accept that. I try to encourage myself as much as possible and even if something went horribly wrong, I force myself to see the good in it.
If I had a friend like that, I'd keep them in my life for as long as I possibly could.


Do you think crying is a form of weakness or a form of strength?
It's a form of strength for sure! I consider it a weakness if you bottle up your feelings and think you can continue to live with that unhappiness. Crying relieves the pain you have inside and it takes a lot of bravery to sit there and cry it all out. I admire the people who aren't afraid of themselves and see no reason to call it a weakness.

A Holiday Message from Minty!

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all my readers! I hope it's amazing and you get everything you want. 

Let us all be thankful that God has blessed us with another amazing Christmas to celebrate with our family, friends, and loved ones.
And let us keep in mind the people who are less fortunate, let's hope they have a beautiful Christmas/Holiday as well.

Why My Bestfriend's Parents Wouldnt Allow Me to See Her

deviantart.net

I'm just now realizing that I never made a post about why Eva's parent forbade me from seeing her. (To read my post from when I first learned that I wasn't to see Eva, click here, then come back and read this)
Well, she finally told me why.

Apparently I'm not "appreciative" of what they "do for me."
That whenever we got out I expect them to buy me things and pay for my movie tickets or drive me anywhere Eva and I go. And then after all that I'm not grateful enough.

I really don't even know what to say about that.
When Eva told me all this, all I said was that I had been friends with her for more than five years, I didn't think I had to still say "Thank you Ma'am", or "I appreciate it Sir".

To be honest, I don't care what they think is going on.
I know that whenever we go out, I buy my own tickets, I say "thank you" once I've been dropped off. I appreciate all they do for me whether I show it or not.

But if they want to assume shit like that, let them.

I have bigger problems in my life and this doesn't mean I'm losing Eva as a friend so why bother?

I Couldn't Live Without My Best Friends

"Fresh Squeezed"

"Make Mine Lime"

"Too Rich for You"

"Nicole...Spotted"

"Virtuous Violet"

"Party in the Penthouse"

I love my bestfriend Sabrina. She bought me all these lovely nail polishes for Christmas. I have a huge obsession with nail polish! At $7.99 each, I am very thankful for this amazing gift. I now have 48 nail polishes in my collection.

 

I call him Oxie. This is the green "Ox" Uglydoll. Oxie is absolutely adorable. I have been obsessed with him ever since I got him about 9 hours ago. He's so soft and cuddly. Thank you Eva, so much. I have just found my new love.

I'm so glad to have friends like these. Friends who will go out and spend money on me to make sure I have something to make me happy. I'm so thankful to have Eva and Sabrina in my life. I love them both so much and my life wouldn't be the same without them. Of course I bought them presents too. But I don't think it meant the same to them. This may be the only good thing I get for Christmas. Money is too tight this year.

You should be thankful for your friends. It's hard to find good ones.
Thank God I have two always by my side.

lomastv.com

"A true friend is one who thinks you are a good egg even if you are half-cracked." 

-Author Unknown

Friends or Frenemies?

photo credit: www.elle.com

So, as everyone knows, friendships fade. People change. They mature, or become immature. Maybe someone new comes into their life and they have forgotten all about you. Sometimes tragedy has struck in their lives. But no matter what people will change.

My bestfriend, Eva, has changed. She's changed to the point that I don't know if we are even bestfriends anymore. I want to be, but it's hard. I absolutely hate her boyfriend. I like to call him Jackass. I'm also a bit jealous of her too. Not because she has a boyfriend and I don't. Not because she is spoiled and I'm far from it. Not because all the guys always want her. Not because she is tall and I'm only 5"3.But because no matter what she does in her life that is "wrong", she still lives better than I ever have. Bad luck seems to follow me, and for her, good luck just chases her as she passes by.
It's true when they say bad things happen to good people.

Anyway, back to the subject. She's become everything I don't want her to be, and everything I don't want myself to be. I almost don't know her anymore.
When it's just her and me, we have a great time. But anytime her racist, ugly, jackass of a boyfriend is around, it's all "let's put Jackass before my bestfriends."

I want to remain her bestfriend. I want her to be mine too. We've been through so much, but there is a time when you have to let nature take it's natural course.

Quick Update

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I wanted to let you all know that Chandler is doing much better. As of right now, he has pneumonia, a fever and is not responding well to sedation. But the doctors have said that this is all normal during his recovery. There have been some good news as well. The bleeding in his brain has completely gone away and there has been some movement in his right and left side!
I ask that you please pray for Chandler, his family and his friends. This is a very hard time for everyone. What's worse is that he has no idea what is going on, since he has not woken up yet.

Next, I wanted to update you on my life:

• I still haven't gotten my Urban Original shoe order yet.

• Yearbook picture day is Thursday!

• Homecoming is October 1st! I've been asked by someone, but I declined. I'll have to do a whole other post about homecoming.

photo credit

Update: Me and Eva did not get together that weekend.

• Eva (my best friend) and I might have a sleepover this weekend. If you've been following my blog all summer you will know that this is a big deal! There was a time when Eva's parents didn't want me over at their house. Why? I have no idea. But, Eva asked her mom if I could spend the night and she said "maybe". At least she didn't say flat out no, so there is still hope, right? I'll have to do another post about this when the time comes.

• Tomorrow. Tomorrow, the season premiere of Criminal Minds comes on! I'm so excited! This is my hands down favorite show!

photo credit

I know I haven't been posting like usual. Hopefully that can change soon.

I pledge...

I pledge...
...to never give up on the person I have feelings for.
...to be true to myself.
...to respect myself and my body.
...to let go of the pressure in my life, whether it's friends or enemies.
...to wait until I'm in love for marriage.
...to wait until marriage for sex.

"Best friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget." - Author Unknown

Six Days and Counting...

Today was the sixth day of school for me. As you might know, six days ago was my first day of school. So far, I am loving high school! I love the non-strict rules, the new people, the nice teachers, and the laid back dress code. Sure it's not all perfect, I don't have friends in two of my classes. But hey! It's a good way to make friends right?
I've seen Derek a few times in the halls, but we haven't talked. Which is probably a good thing. I need to get over him. I see my two best friends Eva and Sabrina everyday, so I know I'll survive.
I just hope the rest of this year is drama free and all about education and friends.

35 Mondays and 175 days of school to go...

New Beginnings

In about two weeks, I'll be riding a bus to school. Not only is it the "first day of school" but it is also the first day of being a freshman. Yes! I will be in highschool. It's a little scary, but at the same time...it's very exciting! Where I live there's a high school and a freshman center. Obviously I'll be going to the freshman campus.
Yesterday was my freshman registration. I felt so confident in my shoulder-length hair extensions and cute dress. I got to catch up with my friends and see my new school. I'm really happy because I have alot of friends in my classes. I don't know how you felt about going into your freshman year...but Im more excited than I am nervous. I have new hair, makeup, clothes, and most importantly I have new confidence.

To everyone who is going into a new school year...whether it's high school, elementary school, middle school, or college; it's not always easy, but in the end it always pays off. Because after my freshman year in highschool, I'll only have three years until I go to college and work on fulfilling my dream.