Three Years

Wow it's been over two years since my last post.

When I tell you a lot has changed A LOT has changed. First, my age. My last post was posted as a 17 year old and now I am 19 about to be 20 in September. I graduated from high school with honors and am now in college, also with honors. I graduated high school with a 3.8 GPA and now have a 3.6 GPA in college. I am still single (as usual right?) but with a lot more dating experiences behind me. If I thought I was on an emotional rollercoaster before I am on the world's biggest now. The activities I have become a part of and the people I've surrounded myself with these past two years is a complete 360 turn from all the things I talked about on this blog in the past few years.

And lucky for you, I'm about to tell you all about it!


Let's start with school. I graduated high school with honors and a 3.8 GPA on May 21 (or 22?), 2014. I am now attending a liberal arts school where I also have a scholarship for track. My first year of college I only paid $15 out of pocket and I couldn't be more proud of that. I am taking summer classes in July--next month--in order to catch up on credit hours and then will continue my sophomore year in August.

I am now 19 years of age and not ready to be in my twenties. This is my last year being a teen and I have learned so much along the way. Separate post to come, I'm sure. It's crazy because I feel so old yet I'm only going to be twenty.

These past two years I have "talked to"/dated numerous guys from different backgrounds and personalities. Let's start with one that we will call Q. Q is someone I met online while browsing Experience Project and noticed a notification in my messages. All it said was "Minttttyyyy"* and at first I hesitated but eventually replied back to him. We messaged each other back and forth for a few months on EP then decided to move the conversation over to a phone messaging app called Kik. I eventually gave him my phone number and we talked on the phone for the first time. We spoke for hours and there was never a dull or awkward moment. In the months following we would Skype, talk on the phone, and text (still via Kik due to what we were used to). I was convinced I loved him and that what we had was special and booked a hotel for Valentines Day so that I could go visit him. He lived in another state and we had planned to do dinner and a movie that day. I bought a GPS system to guide me since he lived in a neighbor state about 3 hours away. My friends thought I was crazy but I didn't care. By the grace of God, the biggest snow storm both our states had ever seen hit and I wouldn't be able to travel and go see him. If that wasn't a sign from God I don't know what is. We remained friends and continued to talk everyday after until I went to college in August. We were never boyfriend-girlfriend but I thought I loved him while all he wanted to do was have sex with me and use me to keep him company. Midway into me and Q's "situationship" I met "Joe" on a dating website and we went on a few dates before he decided to end things because he was still in love with his ex-almost-finacee. When I went to college me and Q naturally drifted apart and I was really heartbroken and missed him. Leading to my next mistake.

Jack, we'll call him, was the next guy I was involved with. He had a girlfriend but one day I was tricked into going back to his dorm with him. One day he asked me to come over to his dorm to cuddle and I reluctantly said yes. It was the weekend and my roommate was gone. He promised nothing would happen so I went over like the idiot I was. An hour into watching TV he kept trying to touch me and kiss me and everytime I've push him away and say no. I even threatened to leave if he didn't stop. His roommate came in with his own girl and I felt too embarrassed to say another word or fight him off so I was quiet and let him touch me. He fingered me and touched my breasts and grabbed my hand and placed it on his penis. He tried to stick his penis inside me and thats when God gave me the courage to finally stop him and leave. I felt so violated, disgusted, and humiliated by the whole experience. That was my first ever sexual experience and I hated every second of it. It took me a while to forgive myself and I never felt the same after that experience.

Soon after there was a guy I'll call Carl who would say one thing and do the other but he was too into his career and job to spend any time with me or to even text me back. We previously tried dating but I ended it because I wasn't ready for a committed relationship and we also had no chemistry. This second time around I didn't want to waste any more of my time so I eventually ended things. Joe came back into my life soon after (are you still with me, lol?) and we gave it another shot buuuuut I still feared a serious, committed relationship and one day I let him know that he was wasting his time because I didn't know when I'd ever be truly ready.

"Ken" was my friend throughout most of this time, we met on the social media app Instagram but I told him I only wanted to be friends because at the time I was still confused about my feelings for Q. Ken and I "talked"/dated for a complicated, on-and-off, seven or eight months before I found the strength to completely end things with him and vowed to keep our relationship on a friendship level. Which it still is to this day.

After Christmas break of college I had my second sexual experience with "Eli" and he was really an asshole. I don't know why I wasted my time with him. About three months of my time to be exact. We only hooked up (everything but sex) and he told me what I wanted to hear just to keep me around. He treated me decently enough that I would stay but finally I had the courage to end our flings when I found out he had a girlfriend and was having sex with other girls while we were hooking up. I was disgusted with myself and vowed to never give my body to anyone that I didn't love and wasn't in a relationship of some sort with.

And now we are in the present, to my current heartbreak, we will call him Jay. Do you remember this post from years and years ago? That dream was about him. Back then I called him M.J. but I like Jay better. What I have never shared on here is how I have had a huge crush on Jay all four years of high school and always wished he would notice me but he never seemed to. Junior and senior year of high school we became more friendly with each other and got to know each other a little better. We became friends and I was happy with that. Senior year came and we both had "transformed', what is called "glo'd up". I had recently cut my relaxed ends off my hair and was 100% natural. I loved the new change and so did everyone else. My confidence really radiated and I was getting more attention from guys than I ever imagined. He also changed up his hair, growing it out and fading the edges and sides. He also traded the glasses for contacts and found a new style of clothes and shoes. I always had a crush on him before but now I couldn't even control myself. This was the year he finally noticed me and began giving me the time of day. He unfortunately had a girlfriend but regardless we flirted and flirted and eventually started calling each other "bae" jokingly (which is basically a pet name similar to babe or baby).

We lost touch after we graduated but I always knew in my heart that if God wanted us to be together we would find a way to be together. And we did. Two months ago I posted a picture on Instagram and he commented saying "Minty* when will you be mine?"and from that day we began dating. I fell for him hard and faster than I ever imagined. I tried so hard to slow down and not get too excited about what this could become but the heart wants what the heart wants. No one has ever made me as happy as I was with Jay. He was so respectful, sweet, funny, mature, and real. This was the greatest guy I had ever been blessed to have in my life. I knew I loved him because I couldn't describe it any other way. He was and still is the only guy that could ever bring my guard down and my heart was his. He told me his heart was mine and that I was his. I thought everything was perfect until one night I found out he was making plans to see his ex who he was previously with before me. I remember asking God for a sign of whether or not Jay was right for me and if I was wasting my time and I really believe this was the sign I was looking for. I cannot tell you how heartbroken I am by this whole situation. I still love him and still want him to be happy but feel so miserable without him. I was really convinced that we had a future together and would maybe even get married. I thought he was the one. To be honest, I still think he is.

I believe that God has a plan for me and also for him. I don't think God took him out of my life to hurt me but to teach me a lesson. I need to build a relationship with God before I can truly be happy with myself or anyone else. And the same goes for him. With every fiber of my soul I really believe Jay will come back into my life whether it is in a week, month, or year. I believe it is God's plan. Every time I pray, I pray for clarity in this situation and many signs lead me to believe that I am right. There are also signs telling me that I am wrong at times though so I don't want to hold on to any hope. But just today I have received signs that show that we will be together again some day and I will continue to pray that this is truly in God's plan.

I will never stop loving Jay but if God chooses to place another man in my life I will allow him into my life, I will not only trust him but God himself. If me and Jay are really meant to be like I believe we are than all I can do is trust in The Lord and his plan even if it does include other men and a lot of pain and obstacles along the way.

I ask that you all pray for my peace and direction. I am always praying for you all. And expect many more posts from me very soon.

P.S. Through all of this, I am still a virgin and waiting until marriage.
P.P.S I originally wrote this post (originally titled Two Years) in the summer of 2015 but broke down crying while writing it and never finished/posted it. So today, April 25, 2016 I am finally finishing and posting it. It has taken me almost a year to recover from the Jay situation. I am now 20 and will be 21 this year. I am finishing up my Sophomore year of college with a 3.4 (I think) GPA.

*As with all names in all of my stories, Minty is not my "real" name. Minty really is a nickname people call me but in the instances in this story, that is not what they called me in those exact moments. 

Naughty Bucket List (NSFW)

I was watching episodes of the talk show Bethenny on Youtube and one episode really stuck to me. Bethenny went around her audience asking what was on everyone's "sex bucket list" so obviously I had to come here and create my own.

Now you all already know that I'm abstinent, but when the time comes, I have this list to look back on.

image: imagerymajestic/FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

Sex Outdoors. Specifically in broad daylight. That's as kinky as I'll go.

image: imagerymajestic/FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

Bath Tub/Shower Sex. This one is self explanatory, who doesn't fantasize about sex in the tub or shower? I'd love to have sex in the shower but a tub works too. I'm also not opposed to just taking a shower together.

image: farconville/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Wild Sex Positions. I'm not talking about "69." I'm talking The X Factor, The Scorpion, Seated Wheelbarrow, etc. Anything that looks freaky and hits the right spot all at the same time.

image: YaiSirichaii/FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

In Sexy Lingerie. So this one isn't wild or exciting but it is something that's pretty high on my list. I can just see it now...hubby comes home from work looking for me only to find me waiting on the bed wearing sexy lingerie and stilettos.

image: BJWOK/FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

Lesbian Sex. Another one that's pretty self explanatory but I'm curious like many girls my age and lesbian sex is definitely on my sex bucket list. Sounds amazing and fun, so why not?

image: Stuart Miles/FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

Sex Using Food. Pouring syrup on each other? Yes please. Licking whipped cream off each other? Yes please. Caramel? Yes please. Ice Cream? Yes please. Chocolate? Yes please. Did I miss anything? Nope.

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net / David Castillo Dominici

Spanked in Bed. Need I say more?

There's a whole lot more to be added to this list but I'll save that for another post. What's on your naughty bucket list? 

Locker Room Convo

image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net / BrandonSigma

It's so weird not having to do part of the 30 day challenge today...

Luckily, I have something really interesting I want to talk to you about.

Early last week I was in the locker-room getting ready for practice. Two girls were in there talking about birth control and how it's helping their periods to be less painful and uncomfortable.

Of course I was interested because I have seriously painful cramps during my period--as I've mentioned before.

I asked the girl about her NuvaRing (the birth control she uses)  and she told me all about how it worked and how to use it and how she got it.

Apparently it really helps to ease the discomfort and pain of PMS.

She is short and thin like me so I can relate to her pain, my body, like hers, is too little to handle regular periods and the pain is much more intense than most people with a larger body mass, etc.

What really surprised me wasn’t that she is using birth control but that she is a virgin and she made that very clear in the locker room.

She said that people have been saying things behind her back, calling her a whore for needing birth control, etc. but that in reality it isn't so she can avoid pregnancy but instead she uses it to control her periods.

Then she yelled out "I'm a virgin, bitch!" as if she was confronting one of her haters.

I was impressed. She had no shame in that and proudly yelled it out in a locker room full of people she knew and didn't know.

I'm happy to know there are other proud virgins out there, like myself.

BYOC

It's Just Me Drazil & Sheniqua has some good questions today so I thought I'd post mine. And a little FYI, she has one of my favorite blogs--period.

http://almostanything.betsafe.com

What’s on your desk between your monitor and keyboard? (if it’s a laptop – what’s on your desk in general).

Hmm...let's see. There's an empty bag of Combo's Jalapeño Cheddar, a Nestle water bottle and a jacket (don't ask). The Combo's snack by the way is not all that great but I was hungry and I already had it so I just ate that baby in one bite.

http://www.mehndiskinart.com

What’s on your mind right at this moment?

What will I do on my nails tomorrow? I change my nails every Saturday but for this weekend I'm out of ideas of what design to do on them.

I'm such a girl.

What’s in or on your nightstand on your side of the bed?

The November issue of Glamour magazine that I still haven't finished even after a week of trying to make time and read it, half empty bottles of water, and a Target ad that came in the mail forever ago.

http://www.victoriassecret.com

What’s on your Christmas wish list (let’s assume you’d get what was on it)?

As long as I can put anything....
- This insanely hot, metallic bikini from Victoria's Secret (picture above). I need to look this hot when I wear it, and I don't want it to sell out so I need it before summer.
- An Ipad 2 with 3G.
- Lots and lots of nail polish--because having over 230 bottles just isn't enough...
- Gift card to Michael's so I can buy all the stuff I need to make an amazing wedding plan scrapbook. Don't worry, I'll show you the whole process and finished product of the scrapbook. (;

theautochannel.com

Repeat question: Summarize your week in real life and in blog land.

Real life is good, could be better. I made a new friend at school, her name shall remain secret, (like all names on this blog...) but we can call her Desi.  She's nice and I enjoy talking to her at school but this week she told me something that completely changed the way I look at her.

She sits behind this boy in her math class (about 2 weeks ago) and he apparently finds her very attractive. He invited her to have sex with him during study hall but she declined. I told her that she should not say yes, because...um, you don't have sex with a sketchy stranger who ASKS you to skip class to screw him.

Of course, she did it anyway (last Thursday, in his car, in the school parking lot to be exact). She told me it was awkward and that they don't talk anymore and also that she regrets doing something so stupid.

Giving your virginity to a stranger will always be stupid (I assume she was a virgin, not sure though). Poor Desi.

As for blog life, it has been great. I have posted four consecutive days on this blog and I'm very excited about that. I miss regular posts, really wish I had more time.

Life

These past few weeks that I haven't posted because my computer was down and I had no easy access to internet.

Unfortunately you missed my birthday and I didn't get to write a post for it.

My birthday was of course, boring. I didn't hang out with friends, I didn't get presents, I wasn't bombarded with hugs and kisses. None of that. Instead we went to the a Chinese buffet a week before.

I didn't feel special or anything like that, just another day.

However now I am 16 years old. Yes, 1-6. 

Crazy right? I started this blog in 8th grade, I'm in the 10th grade now and I am SIXTEEN!

It's nice, I can legally drive now (once I actually get my license).

Last week we had a guest speaker in Health class that spoke to us about sex, STD's, and why abstinence is the best choice to stay protected.

I finally felt comfortable talking about it. The guest speaker was a woman who actually waited until marriage to have sex. Her son is also abstinent and is currently engaged (he's still waiting by the way).

So often people rush into sex that I forget that there are people who actually do wait.

I mostly wanted to wait for religious and personal reasons but now I plan to wait because those statistics for STD's sound really scary and I want to avoid that as much as possible.

Not to mention that I will most likely get emotionally attached to whoever I have sex with and I would rather not be single after that happens.

Sabrina and I are fine by the way. I really do feel that I'm part to blame for the weirdness between us. I get really shy when we sit down at lunch next to Derek but then it's way better when he isn't around and now I don't feel like she totally hates me. I have been acting awkward and quiet and it makes sense that she wouldn't know what to say to me.

School has been great too. I got a 95 on my chemistry test and I brought my 77 to an 84 in geometry so all is good. I'm starting to understand chem a lot more and I'm learning better study skills for all my classes.


I never ended up going to conditioning either. Sabrina is sick and I didn't want to go alone so I'm going to wait until she feels better so we can be there together.


This year is going to be a long one but I'm going to make sure it's a good one.

Hurry Up or Wait My Turn?

As always, I'm talking about sex, abstinence, and my friends. What's one more time, right?

Today I woke up to my friend Sabrina messaging me and telling me every little detail of her date the day before. She's been talking to this guy for months, let's call him Ben, and they finally met up at the movies. From what she told me, they did not watch that movie at all!

Apparently they were touching all over each other. She gave him a handjob, she got rubbed all over the place and squeezed all over the place, and they made out for half the movie. I'm not upset about it or jealous or anything.

Just feeling pressured.

I hate to make this about me, but what the hell, this is my blog. I feel like I need to jump on the bandwagon of girls with little to no self-respect.

I mean, don't you want to get to know the guy first and see if he's just looking for some girl to satisfy him or if he actually cares about you and likes you? I don't like to regret anything. Therefore I don't want to do something I'm not ready for.

Not only am I scared of her heart getting broken by this player, but I'm also scared she will do something she will regret, or worse--get an STD or get pregnant. I know for a fact they plan to have sex since he's a guy and she's one of those dumb, horny girls on that same wagon.

I know I'm speaking horribly of my friend and if she ever saw this she wouldn't ever speak to me again, but I can't help but feel the way I feel. I was raised different than this and will always stand by those values.

And it's not just Sabrina and Ben, but it's Eva and Jackass, and a million of my other friends that are having sex. Even Sean has talked about his sexual relationships! I really did and do plan on waiting, but I just feel like eventually sex is all my friends will talk about and I won't be able to relate to them anymore. Not only that but I'll feel awkward and left out. Almost like I need to find some random guy to have sex with just so I can carry a conversation with them.

It's time like these where I feel so confused. And I don't like to talk to anyone about it because no one understands. They just tell me "sex isn't that big of a deal, calm down". Yeah, maybe not to you, or the majority of the world, but to me it is and always will be. It's just hard for me to understand how little people care.

And to answer your question, yes, I will be "waiting my turn". I don't plan on losing my virginity until I'm ready.

A Confession To Myself

It's finally time I stop lying to myself.

I'm scared. Of life, love, people, sex, and everything in between. I care too much what people think, how people will see me, or how I will see myself. I pretty much don't do anything for myself anymore. I do it for other people.

The whole "I'm abstinence because it's the right thing for me and it's in my religion" thing is true. But there's definitely more to it. I'm afraid of being used, heartbroken, or rejected. Maybe this traces back to my father practically walking out on my family and me, but at the same time maybe not. Sex is big for me, it really, truly is. It's something I think about all the time (yes, I'm just like every other teen, I get the hots sometimes too), but I can't imagine ever doing it. Not right now in my life, not in this stage of my life. Just not anytime soon.

And all this damn pressure! Goodness. I can make a whole list of who my friends have had sex with and how many times and where and what it was like (totally exaggerating here). Either all my friends are whores or I need to catch up.

I feel like I don't belong, like I'm not normal. I put on a fake face, go to school and pretend that when I get home all these thoughts won't flow through my head.

Confidence? Or lack there of? I seriously get nervous around my male teachers and they are in their 40s! That day I talked to Sean, no nerves. Afterwards, the next day at practice--so incredibly nervous. Why? I do not know. Maybe I lost some of that high self-esteem I carried during that conversation on the bus. Or maybe I'm just nervous because I feel like I have to impress him now. Either way, that whole Wisconsin thing (I refuse to go in detail, click the label if you want to know) really, totally thrashed my self esteem and it's never going to be as good as it was. Or at least not for a while.

I make excuses for myself, not having control scares me, being vulnerable makes my heart skip a beat and not looking like I have everything together is a no-no. I could go on and on about the things I need to fix about myself.

So when I say I need to stop lying to myself I mean stop telling myself the complete opposite of everything I just said. I need to learn to be true to myself because the way I am now is getting me nowhere and honestly, I'm annoying myself. I just want to live my life without being afraid of this or that or being so damn anxious all the time.

I just want to be happy.

P.S. This is my 200th post!

30 Days Challenge- Day 23

Let's pick up where we left off, shall we...?

Something that means a lot to you.

bibleknowledgebookstore.com

My purity ring.

Before you start laughing, let me tell you, this is nothing like the Jonas Brothers. I'm not going to write songs about me being abstinence and then rush and marry someone just to get laid.

No. I simply do not like the idea of sex before marriage for myself and so I wear this ring to remind myself that I am worth waiting for. I'm not going to "give in" to all the pressure from the media and at school.

Where Will Life Take Me?

So I'm on Spring Break and I have nothing to do, nowhere to go, and no one to talk to.

It then leads me to thinking; how long will this last?

This is not the first time I've felt lonely. I've felt this way many times before.
Like no one wants me or wants to talk to me even though deep down I know that isn't true.

But then I think about my future. I want to get married to someone who loves me and that I love back. And I want to be with that person for a really, really long time--until I die. But what if no one wants that with me? What if I never find that man? What if I die alone and never get to be truly in love?

I'm scared of that happening and every time I hear stories of couples that are madly in love or watch movies about newly weds I fear that I will never have that.

Love is such a beautiful thing, so is marriage, and hell, so is sex!
But if I never find "the one" or some one I will never get to experience any of those things that I've always dreamed about.

I have plenty of time. I'm only 15. But time flies by and in no time I could be 50 and single. My whole life I've only had a couple boyfriends. One of which was in the kindergarten and hardly counts as a boyfriend.

If I could go to the future and just see what I'm doing and who I'm with, that would settle this anxiety.

A New Perspective

I'm beginning to see a new light to abstinence and having sex before marriage.

I'm not sure if I want to be abstinence for religious (I'm Catholic) or moral reasons.
Maybe I need that security of being with someone who is in a committed relationship since I don't want another guy to leave my life (my father), or maybe it's because I'm secretly afraid of being alone or rejected.

But then I think about how religious I am and I can't bear the thought of losing my virginity without being married first. It just doesn't feel right.

Is it selfish to ask the man I love to wait for me? To marry me if he ever wants to have sex?
Is it wrong to deny my feelings and wants by putting marriage in the way? What if we get a divorce? What if sexually, we aren't compatible but we're already married to each other?

Some people do not get married until they are in their 30's, 40's even 50's. And some people don't get married at all. I don't want to be a 40 year old virgin.

For the most part, I still want to wait. I really, really do. But then again I can't have sex without someone else and what if the man I love disagrees with my decision of abstinence?

I've been thinking about this for months and with all the pressure of sex at school (3 of my friends are already getting into it)...I just don't know.

Thoughts #6- Sex, No Big Deal?

You always hear "when did teenagers start having sex"?

But I'm wondering when did sex become so meaningless?

Don't people want to have sex with the person they love? Doesn't anyone want to feel passion and romance towards the person they are with?

Image: Michal Marcol/FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

I feel like society, TV, movies and just regular people like you and me make sex seem like something everyone should just do for the fun of it.

As you all should know by now, I am a virgin. And a proud one at that.
I have no idea what sex is like, but I don't feel like I need to find some random guy and just "get it over with". As my best friend, Eva, has proved, that is not the way to go.

Image: photostock/FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

I want to have that connection with a guy, I want to feel closer to him.

I feel like sex brings a lot of powerful emotional feelings and if not with the right person, those feelings can be very confusing and ruin a relationship.
Which is why I never understand the people who have meaningless sex with any random person.
Do they not feel those feelings? Do they not care that they are missing out?

Image: Ambro/FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

Again, as you all should know, I'm abstinent.
I'm a very religious Christian and not only does it go against my faith, but it goes against my morals to have sex before marriage and especially with someone I am not in love with.

When I have sex for the first time, it will be with someone I love, someone I can't live without, someone I can trust...someone I can call my husband. And it will be amazing, because I want to look at my husband after my first time and say "I waited for you".

My Perfect Dream Guy

amprofile.blogspot.com

Someone who's nice, funny, smart and open-minded. A romantic, trustworthy, loyal, outgoing guy. Who has an amazing body and even better tan. Cute smile, baseball player's butt, scruffy beard and toned arms. Wealthy, drives a Lamborghini, spoils me, and takes me out to fancy restaurants. 6'1, sexy accent, athletic, dark hair, and of course is amazing in bed.

credit: images.starpulse.com

I want a guy who can make me feel better and make me feel beautiful. Someone who doesn't get scared when I have my hair in a bun and no makeup on.
Someone who understands me and doesn't want to change me. Someone who can be hilarious in a funny situation, but then completely mature in a serious one. Someone who doesn't mind that I have to have the door closed and the blinds closed tight when I sleep. A guy who likes my short hair and doesn't want me to change it. Someone who isn't afraid to brag about me to his friends. Someone who remembers my birthday, our anniversaries, our first kiss, our first date. A guy who isn't afraid of commitment and remains faithful to me. Someone that I will never lose and will someday marry. Someone I can be happy with for the rest of my life.

I can't wait for the day that I meet this guy.

A Pregnancy Scare

I'm 15 years old. I would never have sex this young. And the last thing I would ever do is have unprotected sex. That's just plain stupid. But that is exactly what my best friend, Eva, did.

Remember when I posted about how she had sex with her boyfriend "Jackass" and the experience was so awful for her that she cried? Well if you didn't get a chance to read that, please stop and click HERE. Read it, then come back and read this. Because you will be lost if you don't.

Eva had sex. Like I said before, even though she said she will never do it again, and that she will wait, she still did it. She still had sex.

It was even worse this time! She used no protection what-so-ever. The pull out method is not safe, it is way too risky. What's worse is that she might have gotten pregnant.
She told me she was going to buy Plan B without her parents finding out. That didn't work out. So for weeks she kept it a secret while crying herself to sleep and stressing out. Until she couldn't even get out of bed for school [because she was crying so hard.] She told her parents what happened that night and immediately they rushed to get a pregnancy test. That's something a 15 year old girl should NEVER have to do. Turns out she wasn't even pregnant.

As her best friend, I want the best for her. I feel like she is too stupid, irresponsible and horny to realize when she should and should not be doing something. I just wish she would stop and think for once. Instead of letting her vagina, or her boyfriend, Jackass, make the decisions.

Like last time, I don't feel bad for her at all. She let her boyfriend come before her feelings and had sex for him. Once again, she probably wasn't ready. I'm actually kind of glad all this happened. I know it sounds horrible but she learned her lesson and I'm hoping she takes my lead and waits until she is truly ready for sex. And plus I finally get to see her fail. I guess I'm always jealous that she does all these horrible things and karma leaves her alone. But not this time. I don't like to see her fail, but I'm happy to know that she isn't perfect like I imagined.

Sure I'm curious. All the time. I imagine what my first time will be like. How amazing or horrible it might be. It scares me that I might not be good in bed. But at the same time I might be amazing in bed. What if something goes wrong? Or what if it's perfect? It's something I will have to wait to find out. And when I do, I'll have a huge rock on my finger and we'll be on our honeymoon. (Which makes me smile.)

Photo Credit:
tressugar.com
younglivin.org.uk

Thoughts #1- Sex

I realize I haven't posted anything interesting for a while, so I'm starting a new segment where I just ramble on about anything random. So here is the first one:

So my best friend Eva had sex. She isn't married, in fact, she probably isn't even in love. She says she is, but she doesn't know what love is.
With me being abstinent and all, hearing about her first time, before marriage makes me want to throw up. It disgusts me how little self respect and confidence she must have.
Anyway, she told me what happened that Friday night:

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Her boyfriend, let's just call him Jackass. Jackass went over to Eva's house and they watched TV, ate pizza, you know, the usual. Then Eva decided she was "ready" (ready my ass!). She turned the music loud, so no one heard, and they had sex...
She told me she didn't like it and that she felt uncomfortable and wanted to stop. So she made it clear to Jackass that she wanted to stop. He yelled at her, told her he wanted to keep going and she began to cry. He then stopped and tried to comfort her, but she continued to cry.

 Why would you be yelling at your girlfriend when she is handing you her virginity?! She later told me that she doesn't want to and wont do it again, and that she regrets it. But I know she will do it again, and probably soon.
That's just who she is now.

But if she had listened to the one billion times I told her to wait, she probably would have enjoyed her first time having sex. Rather than the 2 minutes with Jackass rubbing inside her.

Stupid Eva and Jackass...what's worse is that I don't feel bad for her at all. As a "true" Christian, she should have felt the need to wait. And he should have supported her.

P.S. Today is exactly one month after my birthday!

My life, right now.

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Update:  I deleted my account on the dating site. It's only a waste of time.

I made an account on an online dating site for teens. Yes, someone could be posing as a teen, I know. But I'm taking my chances.
I didn't include my real name, or any personal information. I don't even have current pictures of myself. The pictures I put up are the pictures from when I had extensions. I look way different with them off.

Anyway, I'm really excited about it! I've been checking it constantly and I'm already getting friend requests from guys. I've had 6 matches in this week alone!
I have a whole profile devoted to getting to know me better. Part of which you can list your dream guy.

My dream guy?
 A nice, funny, smart, trustworthy, loyal, outgoing guy. Who has an amazing body and even better tan. Cute smile, baseball player's butt, scruffy beard and toned arms. Wealthy, drives a Lamborghini, spoils me, and takes me out to fancy restaurants. 5'11, sexy accent, athletic, and of course great in bed.
Obviously I'm never going to find my dream guy. But if I ever do, I'll let you know!

On a more disturbing note, my best friend, Eva, has been very sexual with her boyfriend lately. Just last weekend, she almost had sex with her boyfriend. Sure they have been together for six months, but they are only freshmen in high school! Apparently, they were naked and he was almost inside her when her parents were coming down the stairs. Luckily, they never got to go all the way.
As you all should know by now, I am 100% abstinent and always will be. So I strongly disapprove with the idea. Even more because neither of them are using any form of protection. The pull out method is not safe. I'm going to talk to her, but I know I cant force my beliefs on anyone. Wish me luck...

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I pledge...

I pledge...
...to never give up on the person I have feelings for.
...to be true to myself.
...to respect myself and my body.
...to let go of the pressure in my life, whether it's friends or enemies.
...to wait until I'm in love for marriage.
...to wait until marriage for sex.

Waiting

Today I was watching The Tyra Banks Show and it was an episode about how girls can re-invent theIr virginity. How, even if you lose it for some reason, you can start over. I'm a proud virgin, so when I saw this I was really upset. If you lost your virginity, in your own will, you have to deal with it. Not brush it off and pretend it never happened.

I plan on waiting until marriage to have sex. I know...people will think "Oh, you are so naive! You're just saying this now." But no. I'm committed to saving myself, because I have too much self respect to go and have sex with some guy. Alot of my friends have already started being sexual with their boyfriends. I've seen what happens to them emotionally; crying themselves to sleep, having a reputation for being a "whore", losing self-esteem. I'm not letting that happen to me, so Im waiting until marriage for sex.