Life

These past few weeks that I haven't posted because my computer was down and I had no easy access to internet.

Unfortunately you missed my birthday and I didn't get to write a post for it.

My birthday was of course, boring. I didn't hang out with friends, I didn't get presents, I wasn't bombarded with hugs and kisses. None of that. Instead we went to the a Chinese buffet a week before.

I didn't feel special or anything like that, just another day.

However now I am 16 years old. Yes, 1-6. 

Crazy right? I started this blog in 8th grade, I'm in the 10th grade now and I am SIXTEEN!

It's nice, I can legally drive now (once I actually get my license).

Last week we had a guest speaker in Health class that spoke to us about sex, STD's, and why abstinence is the best choice to stay protected.

I finally felt comfortable talking about it. The guest speaker was a woman who actually waited until marriage to have sex. Her son is also abstinent and is currently engaged (he's still waiting by the way).

So often people rush into sex that I forget that there are people who actually do wait.

I mostly wanted to wait for religious and personal reasons but now I plan to wait because those statistics for STD's sound really scary and I want to avoid that as much as possible.

Not to mention that I will most likely get emotionally attached to whoever I have sex with and I would rather not be single after that happens.

Sabrina and I are fine by the way. I really do feel that I'm part to blame for the weirdness between us. I get really shy when we sit down at lunch next to Derek but then it's way better when he isn't around and now I don't feel like she totally hates me. I have been acting awkward and quiet and it makes sense that she wouldn't know what to say to me.

School has been great too. I got a 95 on my chemistry test and I brought my 77 to an 84 in geometry so all is good. I'm starting to understand chem a lot more and I'm learning better study skills for all my classes.


I never ended up going to conditioning either. Sabrina is sick and I didn't want to go alone so I'm going to wait until she feels better so we can be there together.


This year is going to be a long one but I'm going to make sure it's a good one.

Hurry Up or Wait My Turn?

As always, I'm talking about sex, abstinence, and my friends. What's one more time, right?

Today I woke up to my friend Sabrina messaging me and telling me every little detail of her date the day before. She's been talking to this guy for months, let's call him Ben, and they finally met up at the movies. From what she told me, they did not watch that movie at all!

Apparently they were touching all over each other. She gave him a handjob, she got rubbed all over the place and squeezed all over the place, and they made out for half the movie. I'm not upset about it or jealous or anything.

Just feeling pressured.

I hate to make this about me, but what the hell, this is my blog. I feel like I need to jump on the bandwagon of girls with little to no self-respect.

I mean, don't you want to get to know the guy first and see if he's just looking for some girl to satisfy him or if he actually cares about you and likes you? I don't like to regret anything. Therefore I don't want to do something I'm not ready for.

Not only am I scared of her heart getting broken by this player, but I'm also scared she will do something she will regret, or worse--get an STD or get pregnant. I know for a fact they plan to have sex since he's a guy and she's one of those dumb, horny girls on that same wagon.

I know I'm speaking horribly of my friend and if she ever saw this she wouldn't ever speak to me again, but I can't help but feel the way I feel. I was raised different than this and will always stand by those values.

And it's not just Sabrina and Ben, but it's Eva and Jackass, and a million of my other friends that are having sex. Even Sean has talked about his sexual relationships! I really did and do plan on waiting, but I just feel like eventually sex is all my friends will talk about and I won't be able to relate to them anymore. Not only that but I'll feel awkward and left out. Almost like I need to find some random guy to have sex with just so I can carry a conversation with them.

It's time like these where I feel so confused. And I don't like to talk to anyone about it because no one understands. They just tell me "sex isn't that big of a deal, calm down". Yeah, maybe not to you, or the majority of the world, but to me it is and always will be. It's just hard for me to understand how little people care.

And to answer your question, yes, I will be "waiting my turn". I don't plan on losing my virginity until I'm ready.

A Confession To Myself

It's finally time I stop lying to myself.

I'm scared. Of life, love, people, sex, and everything in between. I care too much what people think, how people will see me, or how I will see myself. I pretty much don't do anything for myself anymore. I do it for other people.

The whole "I'm abstinence because it's the right thing for me and it's in my religion" thing is true. But there's definitely more to it. I'm afraid of being used, heartbroken, or rejected. Maybe this traces back to my father practically walking out on my family and me, but at the same time maybe not. Sex is big for me, it really, truly is. It's something I think about all the time (yes, I'm just like every other teen, I get the hots sometimes too), but I can't imagine ever doing it. Not right now in my life, not in this stage of my life. Just not anytime soon.

And all this damn pressure! Goodness. I can make a whole list of who my friends have had sex with and how many times and where and what it was like (totally exaggerating here). Either all my friends are whores or I need to catch up.

I feel like I don't belong, like I'm not normal. I put on a fake face, go to school and pretend that when I get home all these thoughts won't flow through my head.

Confidence? Or lack there of? I seriously get nervous around my male teachers and they are in their 40s! That day I talked to Sean, no nerves. Afterwards, the next day at practice--so incredibly nervous. Why? I do not know. Maybe I lost some of that high self-esteem I carried during that conversation on the bus. Or maybe I'm just nervous because I feel like I have to impress him now. Either way, that whole Wisconsin thing (I refuse to go in detail, click the label if you want to know) really, totally thrashed my self esteem and it's never going to be as good as it was. Or at least not for a while.

I make excuses for myself, not having control scares me, being vulnerable makes my heart skip a beat and not looking like I have everything together is a no-no. I could go on and on about the things I need to fix about myself.

So when I say I need to stop lying to myself I mean stop telling myself the complete opposite of everything I just said. I need to learn to be true to myself because the way I am now is getting me nowhere and honestly, I'm annoying myself. I just want to live my life without being afraid of this or that or being so damn anxious all the time.

I just want to be happy.

P.S. This is my 200th post!

30 Days Challenge- Day 23

Let's pick up where we left off, shall we...?

Something that means a lot to you.

bibleknowledgebookstore.com

My purity ring.

Before you start laughing, let me tell you, this is nothing like the Jonas Brothers. I'm not going to write songs about me being abstinence and then rush and marry someone just to get laid.

No. I simply do not like the idea of sex before marriage for myself and so I wear this ring to remind myself that I am worth waiting for. I'm not going to "give in" to all the pressure from the media and at school.

A New Perspective

I'm beginning to see a new light to abstinence and having sex before marriage.

I'm not sure if I want to be abstinence for religious (I'm Catholic) or moral reasons.
Maybe I need that security of being with someone who is in a committed relationship since I don't want another guy to leave my life (my father), or maybe it's because I'm secretly afraid of being alone or rejected.

But then I think about how religious I am and I can't bear the thought of losing my virginity without being married first. It just doesn't feel right.

Is it selfish to ask the man I love to wait for me? To marry me if he ever wants to have sex?
Is it wrong to deny my feelings and wants by putting marriage in the way? What if we get a divorce? What if sexually, we aren't compatible but we're already married to each other?

Some people do not get married until they are in their 30's, 40's even 50's. And some people don't get married at all. I don't want to be a 40 year old virgin.

For the most part, I still want to wait. I really, really do. But then again I can't have sex without someone else and what if the man I love disagrees with my decision of abstinence?

I've been thinking about this for months and with all the pressure of sex at school (3 of my friends are already getting into it)...I just don't know.

Thoughts #6- Sex, No Big Deal?

You always hear "when did teenagers start having sex"?

But I'm wondering when did sex become so meaningless?

Don't people want to have sex with the person they love? Doesn't anyone want to feel passion and romance towards the person they are with?

Image: Michal Marcol/FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

I feel like society, TV, movies and just regular people like you and me make sex seem like something everyone should just do for the fun of it.

As you all should know by now, I am a virgin. And a proud one at that.
I have no idea what sex is like, but I don't feel like I need to find some random guy and just "get it over with". As my best friend, Eva, has proved, that is not the way to go.

Image: photostock/FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

I want to have that connection with a guy, I want to feel closer to him.

I feel like sex brings a lot of powerful emotional feelings and if not with the right person, those feelings can be very confusing and ruin a relationship.
Which is why I never understand the people who have meaningless sex with any random person.
Do they not feel those feelings? Do they not care that they are missing out?

Image: Ambro/FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

Again, as you all should know, I'm abstinent.
I'm a very religious Christian and not only does it go against my faith, but it goes against my morals to have sex before marriage and especially with someone I am not in love with.

When I have sex for the first time, it will be with someone I love, someone I can't live without, someone I can trust...someone I can call my husband. And it will be amazing, because I want to look at my husband after my first time and say "I waited for you".

A Pregnancy Scare

I'm 15 years old. I would never have sex this young. And the last thing I would ever do is have unprotected sex. That's just plain stupid. But that is exactly what my best friend, Eva, did.

Remember when I posted about how she had sex with her boyfriend "Jackass" and the experience was so awful for her that she cried? Well if you didn't get a chance to read that, please stop and click HERE. Read it, then come back and read this. Because you will be lost if you don't.

Eva had sex. Like I said before, even though she said she will never do it again, and that she will wait, she still did it. She still had sex.

It was even worse this time! She used no protection what-so-ever. The pull out method is not safe, it is way too risky. What's worse is that she might have gotten pregnant.
She told me she was going to buy Plan B without her parents finding out. That didn't work out. So for weeks she kept it a secret while crying herself to sleep and stressing out. Until she couldn't even get out of bed for school [because she was crying so hard.] She told her parents what happened that night and immediately they rushed to get a pregnancy test. That's something a 15 year old girl should NEVER have to do. Turns out she wasn't even pregnant.

As her best friend, I want the best for her. I feel like she is too stupid, irresponsible and horny to realize when she should and should not be doing something. I just wish she would stop and think for once. Instead of letting her vagina, or her boyfriend, Jackass, make the decisions.

Like last time, I don't feel bad for her at all. She let her boyfriend come before her feelings and had sex for him. Once again, she probably wasn't ready. I'm actually kind of glad all this happened. I know it sounds horrible but she learned her lesson and I'm hoping she takes my lead and waits until she is truly ready for sex. And plus I finally get to see her fail. I guess I'm always jealous that she does all these horrible things and karma leaves her alone. But not this time. I don't like to see her fail, but I'm happy to know that she isn't perfect like I imagined.

Sure I'm curious. All the time. I imagine what my first time will be like. How amazing or horrible it might be. It scares me that I might not be good in bed. But at the same time I might be amazing in bed. What if something goes wrong? Or what if it's perfect? It's something I will have to wait to find out. And when I do, I'll have a huge rock on my finger and we'll be on our honeymoon. (Which makes me smile.)

Photo Credit:
tressugar.com
younglivin.org.uk

Thoughts #1- Sex

I realize I haven't posted anything interesting for a while, so I'm starting a new segment where I just ramble on about anything random. So here is the first one:

So my best friend Eva had sex. She isn't married, in fact, she probably isn't even in love. She says she is, but she doesn't know what love is.
With me being abstinent and all, hearing about her first time, before marriage makes me want to throw up. It disgusts me how little self respect and confidence she must have.
Anyway, she told me what happened that Friday night:

photo credit

Her boyfriend, let's just call him Jackass. Jackass went over to Eva's house and they watched TV, ate pizza, you know, the usual. Then Eva decided she was "ready" (ready my ass!). She turned the music loud, so no one heard, and they had sex...
She told me she didn't like it and that she felt uncomfortable and wanted to stop. So she made it clear to Jackass that she wanted to stop. He yelled at her, told her he wanted to keep going and she began to cry. He then stopped and tried to comfort her, but she continued to cry.

 Why would you be yelling at your girlfriend when she is handing you her virginity?! She later told me that she doesn't want to and wont do it again, and that she regrets it. But I know she will do it again, and probably soon.
That's just who she is now.

But if she had listened to the one billion times I told her to wait, she probably would have enjoyed her first time having sex. Rather than the 2 minutes with Jackass rubbing inside her.

Stupid Eva and Jackass...what's worse is that I don't feel bad for her at all. As a "true" Christian, she should have felt the need to wait. And he should have supported her.

P.S. Today is exactly one month after my birthday!

My life, right now.

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Update:  I deleted my account on the dating site. It's only a waste of time.

I made an account on an online dating site for teens. Yes, someone could be posing as a teen, I know. But I'm taking my chances.
I didn't include my real name, or any personal information. I don't even have current pictures of myself. The pictures I put up are the pictures from when I had extensions. I look way different with them off.

Anyway, I'm really excited about it! I've been checking it constantly and I'm already getting friend requests from guys. I've had 6 matches in this week alone!
I have a whole profile devoted to getting to know me better. Part of which you can list your dream guy.

My dream guy?
 A nice, funny, smart, trustworthy, loyal, outgoing guy. Who has an amazing body and even better tan. Cute smile, baseball player's butt, scruffy beard and toned arms. Wealthy, drives a Lamborghini, spoils me, and takes me out to fancy restaurants. 5'11, sexy accent, athletic, and of course great in bed.
Obviously I'm never going to find my dream guy. But if I ever do, I'll let you know!

On a more disturbing note, my best friend, Eva, has been very sexual with her boyfriend lately. Just last weekend, she almost had sex with her boyfriend. Sure they have been together for six months, but they are only freshmen in high school! Apparently, they were naked and he was almost inside her when her parents were coming down the stairs. Luckily, they never got to go all the way.
As you all should know by now, I am 100% abstinent and always will be. So I strongly disapprove with the idea. Even more because neither of them are using any form of protection. The pull out method is not safe. I'm going to talk to her, but I know I cant force my beliefs on anyone. Wish me luck...

last photo credit

I pledge...

I pledge...
...to never give up on the person I have feelings for.
...to be true to myself.
...to respect myself and my body.
...to let go of the pressure in my life, whether it's friends or enemies.
...to wait until I'm in love for marriage.
...to wait until marriage for sex.

Waiting

Today I was watching The Tyra Banks Show and it was an episode about how girls can re-invent theIr virginity. How, even if you lose it for some reason, you can start over. I'm a proud virgin, so when I saw this I was really upset. If you lost your virginity, in your own will, you have to deal with it. Not brush it off and pretend it never happened.

I plan on waiting until marriage to have sex. I know...people will think "Oh, you are so naive! You're just saying this now." But no. I'm committed to saving myself, because I have too much self respect to go and have sex with some guy. Alot of my friends have already started being sexual with their boyfriends. I've seen what happens to them emotionally; crying themselves to sleep, having a reputation for being a "whore", losing self-esteem. I'm not letting that happen to me, so Im waiting until marriage for sex.