Thoughts #12- Protective Parents

Why is it that some parents are so protective while others are more "realistic"? Yes there are drugs, alcohol, and sex going on with teens but that doesn't mean everyone is interested in that.

The way I see it, parents should be less concerned with what society's teens are up to and more concerned about what their teenager is up to. After all, that is the person they should be protecting, their own child.

I bring this up because today, actually about an hour ago, I asked my mom for a simple request (well it was simple in my eyes). I asked my mother if I could go to a fair with my two best friends, Sabrina and Eva.

Her response? She basically told me that I couldn't because teenagers hanging out with other teenagers is "dangerous" and that while driving all the laughing and talking is distracting and again--"dangerous". Uh, okay mom?

Let's not forget that these two ladies have been driving me around for the past year or two and that I hang out with them literally all the time. So why is it a problem now that were more grown and more independent?

What upsets me the most is not that I was not allowed to go but that she does not trust us, or me for that matter.

I am a good kid, I really am. I have never drank, smoked, had sex,and I rarely even cuss. I have friends who do all those things including shoplift, date men in their thirties, etc. Instead of comparing me to those "dangerous" teenagers, she should be commending me for the good morals, values, and behavior I have shown in these "wild" teen years.

Being too overprotective is what causes teens to rebel and become the wild, dangerous teen she doesn't want me to become. I hope she learns this soon because I'm tired of trying to be the best that I can be while being treated like I'm being the worst that I can be.

Images, respectively: nuchylee and adamr at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

flickr.com / littlefishyjes

"Open your eyes and see the world for what it really is, not what you want it to be."

-Unknown

If I Won the Lottery

image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net / James Barker

Last night I watched this show on TLC called The Lottery Changed My Life.

I have won over 13 small online giveaways (makeup, giftcards, etc.) and believe that anyone can win anything.

If there is a giveaway, someone has to win.

I really am considering entering the lotto. Specifically the Powerball lotto.

If I won the lottery and had millions of dollars, the first thing I would do is leave this old, ugly, 2 bedroom town house and purchase/pay off a nice 4-5 bedroom house (5 would be ideal since my mom, brother, sister, grandmother and myself  could all have our own rooms). I would obviously have my own room and decorate and re-model it to match my dream room. Then I would purchase and pay off a car for myself, my sister and my brother.

I'd pay for tuition for my brother, sister and save some for myself. I'd also pay for my mom's tuition since she wants to go back to college.

With the extra money I would buy a new wardrobe, nail polish, shoes, and other fun things for myself.

I would give my grandmother, brother and sister $5,000 spending money but everything else would have to run through me (like if they wanted a new stereo system, they would have to ask). My mom would most likely get a little bit more and have to ask me for other stuff just like my sis and bro.

I'd probably save the extra money for any emergencies that may pop up and for any vacations we may want to take.

If I won the lottery, I would be living the life! We could finally stop living paycheck to paycheck, my mom could stop working 10 hour shifts at Wal-Mart, my brother could focus on school instead of working 7 hours at Subway after school and we could all just relax and stop worrying.

I would be truly blessed and happy if I won, but the odds of winning are so high, I might as well not think about.

...A girl can dream, right?

30 Day Challenge: Day 29

Five goals in your life.

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net / David Castillo Dominici

Become a Social Worker.

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net / vichie81

Get married and stay married. I don't want a divorce ever in my life, but then again who does?

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net / imagerymajestic

Have a couple children. By a couple, I really just mean one...

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net / Suat Eman

Own my own home and be able to afford it.

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net / t0zz

Fall in love. Obviously I couldn't miss this one, I'm a hopeless romantic.

And this is just five of the millions of goals I have. Trust me, you'll be hearing more about them in future posts.

P.S. Sorry I missed these last few days! I'm catching up on all the missed posts now though.

30 Day Challenge: Day 10

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Describe your perfect life.

My perfect life would be the complete oppposite of what I'm living today.

I would obviously have a lot of money. I wouldn't want to be "rich" though.

I'd have an excellent career working as a social worker, and maybe even opening up my own practice.

I would be married to the perfect guy. Sensitive, sweet, nice, romantic, and of course, attractive. The sex would be amazing.

I'd have a daughter or son who  was well behaved. If it was a girl she would me a mama's girl, if it was a boy...well he'd be a mama's boy too.

If I really did have a girl I would possibly call her Lorelai, or that would be her middle name at least.

I'd have a nice, expensive car that all my friends would be envious of. By the way, I'd have a lot of friends. Close friends, not in a stuck up "I'm popular" way. We would hang out often and go to each other for anything.

I would have all the nail polish in the world, and my husband would surprise me every now and then with some nail polish (why wouldn't he? he's perfect remember?)

And again, the sex...would be amazing because he'd probably look something like this:

The Place I Used to Call "Home"

http://www.coconutcreekrealestateagents.com

Today I passed by my old house, the one the creditors took from us.

It was actually really hard for me, I expected that I would just see it and that would be it, but it really hurt.

The new owners rented the house and they also remodeled it.

I'll be the first to admit that the remodeling looks nice, but they also changed the color of it, the front door, the mail box--almost everything on the outside

It's like they erased everything about it that I loved. I grew up there, for most of my childhood, and now none of that even matters.

Someone is living there now, and it's not me...it's just hard to believe.

I wish I could go over there and steal the house, then kill them.

I hate that we had to leave, and I hate that I have to live in this ugly, smelly, small, 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom, crammed, privacy-free townhouse in the most "ghetto" part of the neighborhood.

It just sucks.

I almost cried as I saw the house, seriously, I would do anything to have it back and live there again. ANYTHING.

Life is not the same anymore.

At first I was happy to leave the house, you know, not having to wake up everyday wondering if this was going to be the day that we were going to have to give up the house. But now...now I'm just sad about it. It's all gone.

You may think I'm just over reacting and that it's not "that big of a deal", but you're wrong. You'd never understand until it happens to you.

That house has so much history, so much of my life and now it's just gone and no one will even remember except for the people who lost part of their lives in that house.

Lost Friendship

I don't deserve to have Eva as a friend. She has always been there for me and has done twists and turns to keep me happy when I needed it most. But where am I when she needs me?

No where.

I'm just at home, sitting on my ass and being lazy.

Her birthday was last week and only just realized a few days ago. I didn't call her, meet up with her or even get her a gift!

I'm a horrible best friend.

I have known her for almost six years now and I couldn't even remember to dial her phone number and  tell her "Happy Birthday, I love you". Nope, not even that.

And then I thought it would be okay to send her a message on Facebook apologizing and telling her I'd have a gift for her.

Really? That's how I make up for being a shitty friend?

I was shocked, but happy, when she replied and didnt seem upset. Even though I know she was.

I don't know what has happened to me. I've been so lost in life and I really do not know what is going on. I've lost touch with my friends and have to force myself to call them or talk to them.

I want to keep Eva as a friend but now I don't know if she wants to have me as a friend. A friendship has to work on both ends.

We're currently planning a sleepover but I don't know if it's going to work out and I really don't know what it's going to be like if it does. It will be awkward since we dropped from being best friends to just...friends. Or at least that's how I feel.

I feel so horrible. I miss being her friend, I miss the way things used to be, when I wasn't so distant.

I blame the 8th grade. I blame society. I blame school. But maybe I should just be blaming myself.

"Friendship isn't about whom you have known the longest... It's about who came, and never left your side." ~Author Unknown

The Best Days of My Life

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As I mentioned in my last post, this past weekend was State Championships for track! It was held near the beach and was on Friday and Saturday. We left Thursday morning since the meet started really early on Friday and it took a good 6 hours to drive there.

I had a seriously amazing time on the trip. Everyone was just having a good time and enjoying our last couple of days together. Of course, I did talk to Sean. Not as much as I would of liked and definitely not as much as we talked in South Carolina, but we still had a few short conversations and it was nice. I love the feeling I get when I talk to him. Almost like nothing could go wrong and I'm in the best place in the world.

But Thursday, when we went to the beach, I barely even saw him. He was practically avoiding me. When I went to swim in the ocean he left to play volleyball. When I was about to play volleyball, he left to go swimming. I don't really understand why he doesn't want to be around me. I mean, I didn't do anything...

Along with talking to Sean and seeing his hot self at the beach (shirtless!), our team did great at State. Not only do we have seven State Champions on our team, but we also placed really well. The boys won State and the girls got second. We lost by TWO points. Just two. By the last race we were tied for first with another team and we unfortunately lost. We started at a really good lead with the 4x400 relay. But by the third runner we lost our lead and our fourth runner couldn't catch us up. I'm not disappointed though. We all ran our best and most of us ran a personal record! I normally run a 400 in 60-61 seconds but on Saturday I ran it in 59 seconds! Seconds mean a lot in track so when I ran it in 59 seconds I was beyond excited! That has been my goal all year and I reached it!

In all the trip was amazing. Probably the best I've ever been on. I became closer friends with some people, made new friends with others, and just had a great time--period! I cannot wait for next year's track season to begin because I'm still on a high from this past weekend.

www.qualityoflifecare.com

"When you reach the heart of life, you shall find beauty in all things, even in the eyes that are blind to beauty."

-Kahlil Gilbran

Whoa! It's been awhile since my last quote Friday. Anyway, here's a really good one we could all use.

"I can accept failure. Everyone fails at something. But I cannot accept not trying."

-Michael Jordan

photo credit: www.angelamaiers.com

My Bucket List (Part 1)

I've been thinking about it for a long time now and I decided I'd post my bucket list. I think I will do this frequently until I can't think of anything else I want to do with my life. It's just another way for you to get to know me.

Travel to at least 15 of the 50 states.

discounthotels.com

Run in a charity race.

www.pawleysislandrealestate.net

Fall in love with someone.

fresnophotoblog.com

Out of the three, the last one is the one I want the most.

A Day In The Life of Minty

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I really don't have anything to post about, but I miss posting. Now that I have a little time I think I'll walk you through my day.

Today was boring ole' "picture day" at school. At my school, they never tell us anything. We could be having yearbook pictures made and they literally tell us two class periods before we take our pictures.
So if you needed to get a hair cut, or get your hair done, or possibly do your makeup--forget it!

After pictures, we had to go to P.E. Now, I'm not sure if I've mentioned my PE teacher or not, but she's insane. She treats us as if we are in some boot camp. She'll walk in and be like "get in your lines, 15 pushups, 15 jumping jacks, 40 sit ups, and a five minute run!!"

Like, what the h#ll do you think you're doing here? If I was training for some sort of marathon, sure, I'll do it. But this is PE. Stop taking your job so d@mn serious.

And I honestly don't know why I refuse to type out the cuss words. It just doesn't seem right or something...anyway, after PE was lunch. Like normal I sit with my friends including Sabrina and Eva. Nothing different today.

I was supposed to go to a track meet today, but since I'm injured I decided I'll skip the JV meet and hopefully go to the Varsity meet Friday-Saturday.

Hmm...what else? I had math as my last period. My math teacher is a whole different story which I'll make a separate post about later.
He's got a really nice ass. So that's the highlight of that class period. Anytime he turns around to write on the board. My eyes shift down. Can't help it if he has a baseball player's butt.

So in all, it was a pretty normal day. Nothing special happened, nothing exciting.

Oh wait, did I tell you my friend Eva broke up with Jackass? I'll explain later.

"It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not." 

-Author Unknown

photo credit: squidoocdn.com

Where Will Life Take Me?

So I'm on Spring Break and I have nothing to do, nowhere to go, and no one to talk to.

It then leads me to thinking; how long will this last?

This is not the first time I've felt lonely. I've felt this way many times before.
Like no one wants me or wants to talk to me even though deep down I know that isn't true.

But then I think about my future. I want to get married to someone who loves me and that I love back. And I want to be with that person for a really, really long time--until I die. But what if no one wants that with me? What if I never find that man? What if I die alone and never get to be truly in love?

I'm scared of that happening and every time I hear stories of couples that are madly in love or watch movies about newly weds I fear that I will never have that.

Love is such a beautiful thing, so is marriage, and hell, so is sex!
But if I never find "the one" or some one I will never get to experience any of those things that I've always dreamed about.

I have plenty of time. I'm only 15. But time flies by and in no time I could be 50 and single. My whole life I've only had a couple boyfriends. One of which was in the kindergarten and hardly counts as a boyfriend.

If I could go to the future and just see what I'm doing and who I'm with, that would settle this anxiety.

Thoughts #7- Change

After posting my recent Quote Friday, it got me to thinking about my life and what's next. 

Am I going to be happy? Will I have the same friends as I do now? How will I see myself a year from now?

I can only wait for the answers to those questions. 

One of the things I fear the most in life would have to be change. 

I fear that if I let things go out of control, or out of my control, I will not be able to live with myself.

I cannot imagine doing one thing wrong and regretting it for the rest of my life. 

When things are going well--like right now--I want it to stay that way.

The thought of it changing scares me.

It's a fifty-fifty chance that something will go wrong...and most of the time, it does.

I know, I know; "change is good"

But to me, change is bad. If I like things the way they are and if I like how things are going, is it fair for it to change to something I would never want? 

All I know is that I'm satisfied with my life at the moment and the only changes I want are minor, but good changes.

Unfortunately, I don't get to control it.

photo credit: ale1980italy.files.wordpress.com

Feeling Good

(This is an old post back from Dec. 30th that I never got around to posting. But I haven't been posting very often, so here ya' go.)

I just got done reading a truly touching blog today. 

Here's the link for anyone interested. 

notnowimonsensoryoverload.blogspot.com

The thing that really got me is that this woman has two sons, and both have a disorder called Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD). Everyday is a new day of worries for her. She doesn't know what to expect or what things will happen.

She can only hope for the best.

Now I know I'm only 15, so why am I worried right?

It's not that I'm afraid of having a child with a disorder, it's that I see how hard of a life she has.

Yet she remains positive, hopes for the best, and makes the best out of her situation.

I have problems in my life, just like everyone else. 

And if you've been reading my blog for a while, or you've seen some past posts, you'll know that I'm not good at dealing with my problems.

But I should feel lucky. I should be more grateful and happy with the way my life is.

Because it could have been way worse than it is now.

I always think to myself "I shouldn't have to live this way, no other girl my age lives this way"

But that's not true, and even if it is, this is my life. It doesn't have to be like everyone else's. 

I need to accept that my life isn't perfect.

I hope that one day I can look back and think 

"Wow, I can't believe I got through that...look at me now."

"BYOC-Bring Your Own Crazy"

I stole this idea from another blog called It's Just Me, Drazil and Sheniqua but it seems fun to answer random questions so I thought I'd try it.

credit: democraticunderground.com

Tell me about someone you envy.
I don't envy a specific person. But  I do envy the beautiful, successful, and confident women in the world. I hope someday I end up as happy as they must be.

What makes you angry?
Okay, many things make me angry, or just plain annoy me. But the thing that makes me the angriest is when someone leaves the light on if it was OFF when they entered the room. Then I have to get up and do it myself. It's not that hard to turn it back off on your way out!

credit: toonpool.com

What do you do when you feel very sad and depressed? Listen to music. Sometimes if I'm sad I'll listen to a song I can relate to. It makes me feel like I can get through whatever I'm going through.
But other times I'll listen to something upbeat, like "Only Girl" by Rihanna, to get me in a better mood.
Either that or I write in my journal.

If you were stranded on a lonely beach, what five things would you want to survive?
My Bible, Tampons, Food, Knife, and Snuggie.
My Bible because I need God in my life, tampons because if I'm on a beach, I prefer a tampon than a disgusting pad.  Food because I eat a lot and get hungry easily, a knife for protection, and my Snuggie because it's so warm and comfy.

Summarize your life in real life and blog life.
To be honest, they are very much alike.
Sometimes when I post on my blog, I feel like I can't put my feelings into words. Almost like there isn't a word created for that specific feeling or thought.  But I try my best.
But in real life, I'm not as outspoken. I definitely voice my opinion and I'm not afraid to either. But when it comes to the things that hurt me deeply, I tend to keep it to myself.

This was really fun, I might start doing this every other Friday...but we'll see.

My Best Moments of 2010

This year has gone by so fast. I can't believe it's about to be 2011!

It makes me go back to all the good times I had in 2010. All the wonderful things I was blessed with and got the opportunity to have. I want to share my first one with you...

Losing my house.
I really don't think I blogged about this, as I lost my house before I made this blog.

Losing my house was one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with in my life. I was incredibly upset and shocked that we could no longer live in the place I called home. It's a feeling I never want to feel again.
You may ask "Why is this one of your best moments then?".
Well, it made me realize how blessed I am. It also lifted a huge weight off my shoulders.

Many people would look at this as a bad moment, but a little part of me is glad it happened. I sometimes look at this in the wrong way and I get angry that my life has turned out this way. When I lived in my old house, I was always worried. Always scared. I was always anxious about the day that we would just not be able to afford it anymore. When we'd have to give it up.
I never wanted to be in a position where I was homeless. That scared me more than anything.

When we finally left the house, I was worry free. I slept better than I had ever slept in five years.  I woke up with a feeling of freedom. Like I never had to worry about a thing ever again.
It made me cry to think about how horrible I felt when I was at that house. Now, I can live a great, peaceful life.

It made me stronger, happier, it made me a better person. I know realize how lucky I am. Now I can start over and make something good out of what has happened.

I'll never forget my old house, but this move, this step-up in life, will forever be one of the best moments of my life.

Why My Bestfriend's Parents Wouldnt Allow Me to See Her

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I'm just now realizing that I never made a post about why Eva's parent forbade me from seeing her. (To read my post from when I first learned that I wasn't to see Eva, click here, then come back and read this)
Well, she finally told me why.

Apparently I'm not "appreciative" of what they "do for me."
That whenever we got out I expect them to buy me things and pay for my movie tickets or drive me anywhere Eva and I go. And then after all that I'm not grateful enough.

I really don't even know what to say about that.
When Eva told me all this, all I said was that I had been friends with her for more than five years, I didn't think I had to still say "Thank you Ma'am", or "I appreciate it Sir".

To be honest, I don't care what they think is going on.
I know that whenever we go out, I buy my own tickets, I say "thank you" once I've been dropped off. I appreciate all they do for me whether I show it or not.

But if they want to assume shit like that, let them.

I have bigger problems in my life and this doesn't mean I'm losing Eva as a friend so why bother?

Thoughts #4- Loss of Control

I feel like I've lost control. Over my body, my feelings, and my life.
I don't ever talk about it, but I feel so pathetic and useless without control.

Control is like oxygen to me.

I keep getting painful calf cramps after I run my workout at track. I feel lost. I don't know why this is happening? I know that dehydration and lack of good nutrition can trigger this.  I haven't been eating well or drinking enough water, but I'm scared that even if I do, it won't work and the cramps will come back.

Then my feelings. Yesterday after practice I stayed for the boys basketball game. I wasn't really paying attention but my eye did go to one person: Derek. (Now if you are new to my blog or just haven't read about Derek. You need to. Click the label at the end of this post.) I had those feeling come back again. I don't want to feel them and I refuse to acknowledge them.

You don't have to tell me for me to know that I have lost control over my life. I don't get to decide how or when I am going to do something. I don't get to decide how much money I will spend today because it depends on how much money I even have. If I need something, I can't ask and expect to get it soon. I will have to wait. I asked for my own room when I was in the 5th grade. It's been five fucking years and I still don't have a room to myself. I never have and probably never will unless my siblings go off to college. My life is on it's own road, it's just dragging me with it.

Last night, I came home and I cried. I've been holding back all this anger and sadness and telling everyone that I am okay. But I'm not.