Three Years

Wow it's been over two years since my last post.

When I tell you a lot has changed A LOT has changed. First, my age. My last post was posted as a 17 year old and now I am 19 about to be 20 in September. I graduated from high school with honors and am now in college, also with honors. I graduated high school with a 3.8 GPA and now have a 3.6 GPA in college. I am still single (as usual right?) but with a lot more dating experiences behind me. If I thought I was on an emotional rollercoaster before I am on the world's biggest now. The activities I have become a part of and the people I've surrounded myself with these past two years is a complete 360 turn from all the things I talked about on this blog in the past few years.

And lucky for you, I'm about to tell you all about it!


Let's start with school. I graduated high school with honors and a 3.8 GPA on May 21 (or 22?), 2014. I am now attending a liberal arts school where I also have a scholarship for track. My first year of college I only paid $15 out of pocket and I couldn't be more proud of that. I am taking summer classes in July--next month--in order to catch up on credit hours and then will continue my sophomore year in August.

I am now 19 years of age and not ready to be in my twenties. This is my last year being a teen and I have learned so much along the way. Separate post to come, I'm sure. It's crazy because I feel so old yet I'm only going to be twenty.

These past two years I have "talked to"/dated numerous guys from different backgrounds and personalities. Let's start with one that we will call Q. Q is someone I met online while browsing Experience Project and noticed a notification in my messages. All it said was "Minttttyyyy"* and at first I hesitated but eventually replied back to him. We messaged each other back and forth for a few months on EP then decided to move the conversation over to a phone messaging app called Kik. I eventually gave him my phone number and we talked on the phone for the first time. We spoke for hours and there was never a dull or awkward moment. In the months following we would Skype, talk on the phone, and text (still via Kik due to what we were used to). I was convinced I loved him and that what we had was special and booked a hotel for Valentines Day so that I could go visit him. He lived in another state and we had planned to do dinner and a movie that day. I bought a GPS system to guide me since he lived in a neighbor state about 3 hours away. My friends thought I was crazy but I didn't care. By the grace of God, the biggest snow storm both our states had ever seen hit and I wouldn't be able to travel and go see him. If that wasn't a sign from God I don't know what is. We remained friends and continued to talk everyday after until I went to college in August. We were never boyfriend-girlfriend but I thought I loved him while all he wanted to do was have sex with me and use me to keep him company. Midway into me and Q's "situationship" I met "Joe" on a dating website and we went on a few dates before he decided to end things because he was still in love with his ex-almost-finacee. When I went to college me and Q naturally drifted apart and I was really heartbroken and missed him. Leading to my next mistake.

Jack, we'll call him, was the next guy I was involved with. He had a girlfriend but one day I was tricked into going back to his dorm with him. One day he asked me to come over to his dorm to cuddle and I reluctantly said yes. It was the weekend and my roommate was gone. He promised nothing would happen so I went over like the idiot I was. An hour into watching TV he kept trying to touch me and kiss me and everytime I've push him away and say no. I even threatened to leave if he didn't stop. His roommate came in with his own girl and I felt too embarrassed to say another word or fight him off so I was quiet and let him touch me. He fingered me and touched my breasts and grabbed my hand and placed it on his penis. He tried to stick his penis inside me and thats when God gave me the courage to finally stop him and leave. I felt so violated, disgusted, and humiliated by the whole experience. That was my first ever sexual experience and I hated every second of it. It took me a while to forgive myself and I never felt the same after that experience.

Soon after there was a guy I'll call Carl who would say one thing and do the other but he was too into his career and job to spend any time with me or to even text me back. We previously tried dating but I ended it because I wasn't ready for a committed relationship and we also had no chemistry. This second time around I didn't want to waste any more of my time so I eventually ended things. Joe came back into my life soon after (are you still with me, lol?) and we gave it another shot buuuuut I still feared a serious, committed relationship and one day I let him know that he was wasting his time because I didn't know when I'd ever be truly ready.

"Ken" was my friend throughout most of this time, we met on the social media app Instagram but I told him I only wanted to be friends because at the time I was still confused about my feelings for Q. Ken and I "talked"/dated for a complicated, on-and-off, seven or eight months before I found the strength to completely end things with him and vowed to keep our relationship on a friendship level. Which it still is to this day.

After Christmas break of college I had my second sexual experience with "Eli" and he was really an asshole. I don't know why I wasted my time with him. About three months of my time to be exact. We only hooked up (everything but sex) and he told me what I wanted to hear just to keep me around. He treated me decently enough that I would stay but finally I had the courage to end our flings when I found out he had a girlfriend and was having sex with other girls while we were hooking up. I was disgusted with myself and vowed to never give my body to anyone that I didn't love and wasn't in a relationship of some sort with.

And now we are in the present, to my current heartbreak, we will call him Jay. Do you remember this post from years and years ago? That dream was about him. Back then I called him M.J. but I like Jay better. What I have never shared on here is how I have had a huge crush on Jay all four years of high school and always wished he would notice me but he never seemed to. Junior and senior year of high school we became more friendly with each other and got to know each other a little better. We became friends and I was happy with that. Senior year came and we both had "transformed', what is called "glo'd up". I had recently cut my relaxed ends off my hair and was 100% natural. I loved the new change and so did everyone else. My confidence really radiated and I was getting more attention from guys than I ever imagined. He also changed up his hair, growing it out and fading the edges and sides. He also traded the glasses for contacts and found a new style of clothes and shoes. I always had a crush on him before but now I couldn't even control myself. This was the year he finally noticed me and began giving me the time of day. He unfortunately had a girlfriend but regardless we flirted and flirted and eventually started calling each other "bae" jokingly (which is basically a pet name similar to babe or baby).

We lost touch after we graduated but I always knew in my heart that if God wanted us to be together we would find a way to be together. And we did. Two months ago I posted a picture on Instagram and he commented saying "Minty* when will you be mine?"and from that day we began dating. I fell for him hard and faster than I ever imagined. I tried so hard to slow down and not get too excited about what this could become but the heart wants what the heart wants. No one has ever made me as happy as I was with Jay. He was so respectful, sweet, funny, mature, and real. This was the greatest guy I had ever been blessed to have in my life. I knew I loved him because I couldn't describe it any other way. He was and still is the only guy that could ever bring my guard down and my heart was his. He told me his heart was mine and that I was his. I thought everything was perfect until one night I found out he was making plans to see his ex who he was previously with before me. I remember asking God for a sign of whether or not Jay was right for me and if I was wasting my time and I really believe this was the sign I was looking for. I cannot tell you how heartbroken I am by this whole situation. I still love him and still want him to be happy but feel so miserable without him. I was really convinced that we had a future together and would maybe even get married. I thought he was the one. To be honest, I still think he is.

I believe that God has a plan for me and also for him. I don't think God took him out of my life to hurt me but to teach me a lesson. I need to build a relationship with God before I can truly be happy with myself or anyone else. And the same goes for him. With every fiber of my soul I really believe Jay will come back into my life whether it is in a week, month, or year. I believe it is God's plan. Every time I pray, I pray for clarity in this situation and many signs lead me to believe that I am right. There are also signs telling me that I am wrong at times though so I don't want to hold on to any hope. But just today I have received signs that show that we will be together again some day and I will continue to pray that this is truly in God's plan.

I will never stop loving Jay but if God chooses to place another man in my life I will allow him into my life, I will not only trust him but God himself. If me and Jay are really meant to be like I believe we are than all I can do is trust in The Lord and his plan even if it does include other men and a lot of pain and obstacles along the way.

I ask that you all pray for my peace and direction. I am always praying for you all. And expect many more posts from me very soon.

P.S. Through all of this, I am still a virgin and waiting until marriage.
P.P.S I originally wrote this post (originally titled Two Years) in the summer of 2015 but broke down crying while writing it and never finished/posted it. So today, April 25, 2016 I am finally finishing and posting it. It has taken me almost a year to recover from the Jay situation. I am now 20 and will be 21 this year. I am finishing up my Sophomore year of college with a 3.4 (I think) GPA.

*As with all names in all of my stories, Minty is not my "real" name. Minty really is a nickname people call me but in the instances in this story, that is not what they called me in those exact moments. 

How Minty Got Her Groove Back

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Let's start this post off by saying that  I am out of shape. Really, out of shape.

The kind of out of shape where you literally get tired walking up a few flights of stairs. 

But today I remembered something I said to my track coach a day before Winter break: "I will."

I will...will what?

Coach H. asked me to get in shape for the 4x2 race when school starts up again. I of course agreed. I have been wanting to get back into running after my diagnosis of a stress fracture (in my ankle) a few months back. Trust me when I say that is one of the worst injuries a runner can have.

So seven weeks later I stand face-to-face with my coach, promising him that I will do my best to get back into shape for track. 

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Well, Winter Break came and after a week in I started feeling guilty for doing absolutely nothing. No running, no nothing. Just being a couch potato. 

I went to the mall Friday and what do you know? I saw my other coach, Coach R. at the mall. A sign maybe? I'd like to think so. 

So today I set out a mission, to go out running. For as long as I can stand (literally). My anxiety almost took the best of me but I forced myself and reminded myself of the two words I said to Coach H.: "I will."

Andy Newson | FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I will work out.

I will try.

I will do my best.

I will get in shape.

I will not give up.

I will be the best version of myself that I can be.

"I will" doesn't just mean running, it goes for all aspects of my life and today's epiphany made me realize that.

Today I faced my fears, beat my anxiety, and went out running. 

The fact that I was only out for exactly ten minutes? Well, it's the thought that counts.

10 Favorites of 2011

Show
My favorite show this year went from Criminal Minds to Grey's Anatomy. I still love, love, love Criminal Minds but Grey's Anatomy is taking the crown this year.

Favorite set from a user called scadet

Website
This is a tie between Polyvore.com and Swagbucks. I love the concept behind Polyvore and being able to use my creativity and I also love that Swagbucks.com allows me to earn points which can be redeemed for money.

Artisit/Singer
I love everything about Adele. Her music, her voice, her strength and obviously her songs. My favorite song from her is a tie between Turning Tables and Rolling in the Deep.

 Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net/ photostock

Activity
2011 was my year of blogging. Blogging has become a big part of my life. It is a fun, stress relieving activity for me and I truly enjoy it. I have a nail blog and this personal blog and I love both the same.

Movie
Salt. I saw this movie during the summer and I really loved it. It's so intense it's crazy! I'm really hoping for a sequel because this was my favorite movie out of all the movies I have seen this year.

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net / J Frasse

Obsession
It is no secret that I have obsessed, obsessed, obsessed this year with...just about anything! But my biggest obsession has been nail polish. I have collected over 270 bottles in 11 months and I am still accumulating them now. Nail polish just makes me happy, it really does.

Magazine
I know, I know. Magazine? Remember that I am totally random and I want to keep things interesting...not the same thing every time. So anyway, Glamour magazine is my favorite magazine. I have read every single issue for almost three years now. 

Celebrity
Christian Siriano. I love him! Gay, fierce, funny, dramatic...just amazing. I actually only fell in love with him yesterday during the Project Runway season 4 marathon but I love him enough that he is on this list. That's a pretty big deal.

Item
My Snuggie! Of course. Need I say more?

Moment
My favorite moment of 2011 was the day of State when I not only remained first during my 400 in the 4x400 meter relay but I also ran my personal record of 59.9 seconds.

30 Day Challenge: Day 16

Image: sweetonveg / flickr.com

Something you recently did that you are very proud of.

Just this Monday tryouts for track started and I was very out of shape.

Basically, 100% not mentally or physically ready for it.

Our workout was three 200 meter dashes, simple enough right? Later in the year I'll look back and see how easy it was.

Anyway, I was really out of shape and I also haven't been eating enough or eating right. I was dehydrated and sleep deprived.

By the second 200 I felt really sick and thought I was going to pass out or throw up. I told my coach I wasn't feeling good and he told me to walk a lap instead.

After I walked a lap I joined the rest of the team and ran strides across the field. I was not about to give up that easily. I felt a lot better now that I had my breathing under control and wasn't feeling like I was about to throw up.

I quickly got my sh*t together after practice yesterday. I went shopping for more healthy eating/snacking options and caught up on my hydration--I drank a lot of water.

Then the next morning (this morning) I ate a lot of fruit (pineapples, bananas, cherries...) along with orange juice. I also ate all of my lunch at school instead of eating just snacks.

I also made sure to drink more water throughout the day.

At practice, I felt amazing. Yeah, I was sore and out of breath after 10 laps but I never felt sick or dizzy and it was super hot.

I'm very, very proud of myself. Not only for going back to complete those strides on Monday but also for treating my body better and doing what I knew I should have been doing all along--treating my body right.

30 Day Challenge: Day 8

Your best and worst high school memory.

Well considering I'm going through my second year of high school right now, I'm just going to have to say something from this or last year.

My best high school memory was winning the Coach's Award at the track banquet. My freshman year and I got an award! Not everyone did.

Now that I think about it, a lot of my 9th grade track "career" had good memories.  Like the time I ran a 60 second 400 m dash, I thought I was badass then, lol. Later, I worked my butt off to the state meet (again, as a freshman!) and at state I ran my fastest 400 to date...59 seconds! I was so proud. I worked so hard and was so happy to finally reach my goal. Not to mention that I finally got to the 50 second range.

My worst high school memory? I don't really have one. Apart from feeling like I've lost my best friend several times, I've had a pretty decent high school life.

Last Goodbye

Last night we had our track banquet for the 2011 season. Not only did I have a lot of fun but me and a certain someone had a little "moment". Or at least I'd like to call it that.

First let's talk about the banquet in general. Our entire team reunited and we had dinner and talked and had a good time. Afterwards awards, trophies, and certificates were given out to certain athletes. There were Coachs' Awards, Most Outstanding Athlete Award and etc. I was lucky to win one of the Coach's Awards where one coach gets to pick two of their top, or favorite, athletes (a guy and a girl). I was beyond excited to get one, especially as a freshman! Sean also got an award, but that was for Most Outstanding Athlete.

photo credit: www.deviantart.com

Alright, now to the good stuff. Sean and I had a moment before we left the banquet. Everyone was taking pictures, and saying their last goodbyes and we sat there and talked about this year and how fun the season was. And then...he shook my hand as if to say "Good season, you performed great", only, he held onto my hand after the hand shake! It was a good minute or two before we both realized what was going on and let go. And let me just say, his hands are so soft! We ended our conversation by saying that we all have to get together and do something over the summer.

Yes, yes we do Sean.

photo credit: www.goshoals.org

The Best Days of My Life

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As I mentioned in my last post, this past weekend was State Championships for track! It was held near the beach and was on Friday and Saturday. We left Thursday morning since the meet started really early on Friday and it took a good 6 hours to drive there.

I had a seriously amazing time on the trip. Everyone was just having a good time and enjoying our last couple of days together. Of course, I did talk to Sean. Not as much as I would of liked and definitely not as much as we talked in South Carolina, but we still had a few short conversations and it was nice. I love the feeling I get when I talk to him. Almost like nothing could go wrong and I'm in the best place in the world.

But Thursday, when we went to the beach, I barely even saw him. He was practically avoiding me. When I went to swim in the ocean he left to play volleyball. When I was about to play volleyball, he left to go swimming. I don't really understand why he doesn't want to be around me. I mean, I didn't do anything...

Along with talking to Sean and seeing his hot self at the beach (shirtless!), our team did great at State. Not only do we have seven State Champions on our team, but we also placed really well. The boys won State and the girls got second. We lost by TWO points. Just two. By the last race we were tied for first with another team and we unfortunately lost. We started at a really good lead with the 4x400 relay. But by the third runner we lost our lead and our fourth runner couldn't catch us up. I'm not disappointed though. We all ran our best and most of us ran a personal record! I normally run a 400 in 60-61 seconds but on Saturday I ran it in 59 seconds! Seconds mean a lot in track so when I ran it in 59 seconds I was beyond excited! That has been my goal all year and I reached it!

In all the trip was amazing. Probably the best I've ever been on. I became closer friends with some people, made new friends with others, and just had a great time--period! I cannot wait for next year's track season to begin because I'm still on a high from this past weekend.

Success

www.8664myvacation.com

I have some pretty exciting news. Exciting for me at least! Today we had Sectionals for track and if you finished in the top six you get to go to State. And guess who made it to State? Yes, that would be me.

Our 4x400 meter relay team qualified for State! We finished second in our race but had a really good time. I'm really excited because my favorite runner, Sean, is going also! State is going to be held in an area right on the beach so we will of course be going down there for an hour or so, just for fun.

I have been waiting for this day to see Sean in all his hot shirtless glory! You don't even know. Don't worry, after State I will be writing a nice, long, detailed post all about what happened.

What makes me upset is that after this week and after state I don't get to see him until next year. I'm a freshman and he's a junior so most likely I won't see him around school. Track is really the best way for me to see him.

All I can do is make the best of this last week and just have fun. Yeah, that sounds about right. I'll let you know how that works out.

A Person of Interest

I was invited by my coaches to travel to South Carolina for the 19th Annual Taco Bell Classic Track Meet. It's one of the nation's biggest track meets so of course I was excited to go!
We drove in a charter bus for about 6-7 hours until we got to SC and checked into our hotels.

The meet was on Friday and finals were on Saturday. I competed both days but didn't place for any of them. I made some personal records, so my times were good, but it was a super competitive meet.

Anyway, on Friday, after we competed in the trials, we went back to our hotel rooms for the night. The girls and boys stayed in the same hotel so it wasn't hard to sneak boys into our room. So guess who came to our room? Yep, Derek and his friend. Sabrina was one of my roommates and it surprised me how comfortable I was.

www.losangelesbuscharter.com

Derek and I are slowly becoming friends and Sabrina and I have gone past the whole make out thing. I think I have grown to realize I cannot have every guy I want and I just need to wait for the right one to come along. If Derek makes Sabrina happy--it's whatever, really. We just hung out for a couple hours, just having fun and joking around. It was a really amazing night.

www.urbancentriconline.com

Now, for the best part of the story; the bus ride home. We competed Saturday then made our way back home. I fell asleep for about an hour and woke up to Sabrina and Sean (a guy on my track team that I have the hots for) sitting next to me. I was about to die when I realized it was him. He is beyond sexy and has an amazing personality! I don't know how it happened but we just started talking and kept talking for a good 2 or 3 hours, maybe more. We talked about pet peeves, obsessions, ourselves, each other, even past relationships. The most random of things--we talked about. We joked around, laughed, and just had fun!
I can tell you one thing, Sean is one of the nicest, sweetest, funniest guys I know.

I wish I could tell you more about him, but that was literally the most I have ever talked to him. We really didn't know each other until then.

Now I'm trying this new thing where I crush on a guy and take it slow. I don't want to end up falling for him and then getting my heart broken like I did with Derek. I need to give it time and let nature take it's course. 

If someone told me that Sean and I would become friends this weekend, I wouldn't believe it. But it happened, and I love it!

A Day In The Life of Minty

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I really don't have anything to post about, but I miss posting. Now that I have a little time I think I'll walk you through my day.

Today was boring ole' "picture day" at school. At my school, they never tell us anything. We could be having yearbook pictures made and they literally tell us two class periods before we take our pictures.
So if you needed to get a hair cut, or get your hair done, or possibly do your makeup--forget it!

After pictures, we had to go to P.E. Now, I'm not sure if I've mentioned my PE teacher or not, but she's insane. She treats us as if we are in some boot camp. She'll walk in and be like "get in your lines, 15 pushups, 15 jumping jacks, 40 sit ups, and a five minute run!!"

Like, what the h#ll do you think you're doing here? If I was training for some sort of marathon, sure, I'll do it. But this is PE. Stop taking your job so d@mn serious.

And I honestly don't know why I refuse to type out the cuss words. It just doesn't seem right or something...anyway, after PE was lunch. Like normal I sit with my friends including Sabrina and Eva. Nothing different today.

I was supposed to go to a track meet today, but since I'm injured I decided I'll skip the JV meet and hopefully go to the Varsity meet Friday-Saturday.

Hmm...what else? I had math as my last period. My math teacher is a whole different story which I'll make a separate post about later.
He's got a really nice ass. So that's the highlight of that class period. Anytime he turns around to write on the board. My eyes shift down. Can't help it if he has a baseball player's butt.

So in all, it was a pretty normal day. Nothing special happened, nothing exciting.

Oh wait, did I tell you my friend Eva broke up with Jackass? I'll explain later.

Awkward Is In My Dictionary

Yesterday I had a track meet from 6am-7pm where I ran a total of four events. I also set my personal record of 61 seconds for the 400 meter dash (yay!). So in all, it was a great meet.

After the meet I drove straight to my friend Eva's house to spend the night. And man was it uncomfortable. I'm perfectly fine around Eva, but around her parents..no.

I feel like I have to be obnoxiously nice after the whole "you're not hanging out with my daughter anymore because you're not appreciative" thing.
Of course they didn't say that to my face, but I now know that was the reason, according to Eva at least.

Her parents were nice and they took us out to church and lunch, but nonetheless, you can understand the awkwardness right?

It's like having a horrible breakup with someone and then six months later spending a whole day with them. It's just not a comfortable situation.

It did get better and wasn't as awkward, but it doesn't make up for that awkward factor.

photo credit:goodbadandugly2.com

Thoughts #8- High School

Warning: This is a rant.

I went into high school thinking it would be all fun and games and that making friends would be easy and getting good grades would be easier.

I never had trouble with grades until this year. Lately I've been failing quizzes, making B's and C's on tests, and barely putting in effort for my projects. I have to force myself to get off the couch and start my homework.

I've been procrastinating like crazy and I've never been so lazy in my entire life!

I've also been getting in some drama with some girl. It's really not even worth mentioning.

On top of all that, I have practice every single day. It wouldn't be such a problem if track weren't so painful.

I've had calf cramps, shin splints, ankles pains, and knee pains. It's so difficult to run with and I'm icing my shins as I type.

Tomorrow I have another long day. I'll have to wake up early (possibly 6:00 AM) for a track meet and stay until about 6:00 pm or later!

After that I have tests to study for, projects to focus on and homework to finish.

All in a weekend that is far too short.

Why didn't anyone warn me that high school would be so hard?

11 Hours Later...

Yesterday was my first track meet of the season. 

About two days before the meet I asked my coach what event I would be doing. He wasn't even sure what I'd be doing considering I was injured and hadn't been at practice for a whole week. But he asked me to run in the 4x400.

Of course I accepted and checked out the times. 

On the schedule, it said that the races would begin at 9:00 am.

I thought "Oh, 9 AM, I'll just go early, warm up, and in no time I'll be racing."

Well I was wrong. Unfortunately, the races started at 9:00 AM, but didn't end until 6 PM.

And guess what race was the very last one? That's right. The 4x400.

So I ended up waking up at 6:00 AM on a Saturday morning, rushed through breakfast, quickly put all my stuff together, rushed to the meet and waited for 9 hours to finally race. Starting from the time I woke up to the time I got home (about 5:30), that's 11 hours of my day wasted.

We started out in last place but quickly caught back up in the relay. I was incredibly happy about that but not about the fact that I stayed at that place for over 9 hours because silly me thought the race would start soon.

Needless to say, I came home exhausted, frustrated, and hungry. 

The only highlight of my day was the rush of adrenaline I got from running the 4x400 and the fact that we did good at it.

Update- Dieting, Track and Field

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After weeks of conditioning,mandatory practice, or "tryouts", has started.
The workouts are intense, and literally take my breath away.
Just yesterday we had to run three 300s, two 200s, and one 100. If you don't know how much these are, well...Google it.
We had no rest in between the sprints, and we definitely had no water breaks.
But as tiring and as hard as those workouts were, I love track so much that I'm not even close to quitting. Plus, the hot, sweaty, athletic guys keep me motivated.


As for my diet, it's easy and actually kind of fun. I don't really understand why women complain about diets so much. Unless it is something you need to do for health reasons, it's completely optional.

www.nym.org/

I'm going on a "healthy" diet.
Meaning I will reduce my soda intake, salt intake, and especially sugar intake.
I only indulge in something "unhealthy" about once or twice a week. Not to mention that I'm trying to get all my nutritional daily values, without exceeding it, and drinking at least eight glasses of water every day.
I'm taking vitamins too.
It's really exciting to see how my body takes it so well (no, I am not losing any weight here) and it really transfers on the track. I recommend any athlete--or just anyone at all--to get in-shape by a good diet.

And just to throw it out there, my obsession number 156132 is the (future) big rapper Novi Novak. Look him up, no matter who you are, you will love him.

My New Years Resolutions

My second one:

Be more confident in myself.

There is always that voice telling me "You're beautiful."

But then there is always that voice telling me I'm not.

I actually never had a problem with this until last summer when I went to Wisconsin for a track meet and a few of the guys thought it would be fun to yell nasty things at me. 

That completely thrashed my self-esteem for a while. I wore more makeup, I perfected my hair where ever I went and I even started to dress more provocatively. 

After finding myself, and watching a few episodes of The Tyra Show (laughs),  my confidence was incredibly boosted.

But my New Years Resolution will be to stay confident and to believe in myself more.

I am beautiful, everyone is,  and it's time I start seeing that.

Besides, being insecure is too much work.

Thoughts #4- Loss of Control

I feel like I've lost control. Over my body, my feelings, and my life.
I don't ever talk about it, but I feel so pathetic and useless without control.

Control is like oxygen to me.

I keep getting painful calf cramps after I run my workout at track. I feel lost. I don't know why this is happening? I know that dehydration and lack of good nutrition can trigger this.  I haven't been eating well or drinking enough water, but I'm scared that even if I do, it won't work and the cramps will come back.

Then my feelings. Yesterday after practice I stayed for the boys basketball game. I wasn't really paying attention but my eye did go to one person: Derek. (Now if you are new to my blog or just haven't read about Derek. You need to. Click the label at the end of this post.) I had those feeling come back again. I don't want to feel them and I refuse to acknowledge them.

You don't have to tell me for me to know that I have lost control over my life. I don't get to decide how or when I am going to do something. I don't get to decide how much money I will spend today because it depends on how much money I even have. If I need something, I can't ask and expect to get it soon. I will have to wait. I asked for my own room when I was in the 5th grade. It's been five fucking years and I still don't have a room to myself. I never have and probably never will unless my siblings go off to college. My life is on it's own road, it's just dragging me with it.

Last night, I came home and I cried. I've been holding back all this anger and sadness and telling everyone that I am okay. But I'm not.

Update on Track

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Monday was our first day of conditioning. Half the people were missing since there are other sports like Football, Wrestling, Cheerleading, and Basketball that still have practice.
I also didn't have my physical form so I couldn't join practice. I couldn't go today either. But I will be going tomorrow. I really need to get in shape for tryouts and I need to get in shape for my PE exam. We have to run for 20 minutes to get 25 points towards our exam grade. Which is a lot. I'm definitely not excited for exams next week. I'm not excited for track either.

P.S. I saw Derek Monday at his basketball game...it's so weird seeing him again. Brings back feelings I really don't want to feel.

The Worst Feeling...

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Nervousness. I'm so nervous for track tomorrow. We have our first day of conditioning for the year. We have two weeks of conditioning and then we have Winter break for two weeks. Then it's back to one week of conditioning.
Soon after, it's try-outs.

Where I live, at my school, sports are very important to us. So they want the best of the best to be on each team. So of course (like most schools) there is a Varsity and Junior Varsity team for Track and Field. Tryouts determine which team and what event (Pole Vault, 4x100 relay, 200 Meter Sprint, etc...) is best for you.
Track is usually an open sport where anyone can join and events are chosen for you. But this year, in highschool, it's tryouts. It makes since though...
I don't want to get stuck on a bad team where everyone is really bad and I am better than them. (No cockiness intended.)

Regardless, our first day of conditioning is killing me. The day hasn't even started yet and I'm already dying of nerves! I just hope I can get along with everyone and do good at conditioning.

I'll keep you updated on all that happens. I have exams (mid terms) to study for and lots of homework to catch up on. So I won't post again until Tuesday.

Thanksgiving, Black Friday, Track and Field

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them."  -John Fitzgerald Kennedy
 

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Thanksgiving was a fail this year.

My mom had to work, my brother left to be with his friends and my sister and I stayed home. Maybe it wasn't a complete fail since my mom promised us that we'd get a Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday when she has no work.
That's what we always do.
It would be different, but my mom has to pay the bills. She can only do that if she works right? Right.

Today is Black Friday. In the United States that is the day after Thanksgiving when a ton of stores have HUGE sales. Stores open as early as 2 am and people stand outside the doors for hours waiting to get inside and shop. It's completely worth is since the deals are as low as 80% off! Some stores even offer more deals than that!
Anyway, I won't be shopping this year. We're low on cash and now is just not a good time.

I'm fine with it though. Besides school starting back, I'm pretty excited for next week. Track starts December 1st and even if I am nervous, I'm excited as well!

I'll write later.

5 Days

So as you all know, about three weeks ago I was invited to go to a track meet in Wisconsin. It would be from the 13th of July to the 18th. I was very nervous since I didn't know anyone except Derek and his sister. I'm very happy I went. I had an amazing time! I made lots of new friends. We went to an aquarium, watched fireworks over Lake Michigan, went to a party, went shopping, and ate out at Golden Corral. It was so much fun! At first it was awkward, but I got to know everyone and had a good time.

The only thing I didn't like were a couple boys there. They kept on making fun of me and calling me ugly. I was a little hurt at first... but then I got over it. Derek was really nice to me. We talked ALOT and flirted even more. He told me I should come back next year since it will be at the beach. And that I should wear a bikini! I hate that I fall for him so fast. Anyway, I will be back next year and I hope he will too. I'm glad I went to Wisconsin. I thought I'd be five days of boredom...but it definitely wasn't. Plus we won the gold at the track meet.