A Letter to the First Man to Break My Heart

Jay,

You were the first man that I ever loved and I thought I could have a real future with. In such a short amount of time I fell for you...hard. You were all I thought about and I wanted to spend every day with you. I wanted to talk to you all day and still fall asleep to the sound of your voice.

Now, almost 2 years laters I still think about you and occasionally miss you but after choosing another girl over me, I could never want you back. Sometimes I wish we could be friends again but I know that wouldn't work.  You were my first heartbreak yet we were friends for years before dating and that is something I can never look past.

You have a new relationship, somewhat new (I of all people know that time doesn't determine anything, I fell for you in just a few short months), but you say you love her on social media. Thats something you never said to me and knowing you I really believe you mean it. With that being said, I genuinely hope that she makes you as happy as you made me and I pray that your relationship flourishes and succeeds. I really hope you treat her well and that she does the same to you.

I still feel the aftermaths of the heartbreak you caused. To this day I have never trusted anyone the way I reluctantly chose to trust you. I haven't been able to give myself emotionally to anyone for fear I will have to experience that same pain and depression I felt after we parted ways almost 2 years ago. I was so depressed I didn't want to get out of bed, I didn't want to eat. I would cry while driving; crying so hard I could barely see the road. I would go through the motions of life meanwhile feeling empty and depressed on the inside. This went on for almost a year until I was finally able to pick myself back up. Little by little.

Time heals wounds but the scar will always be left behind. Although I have no anger towards you, I am still affected by your actions. I hope that someday I can learn to trust and love again when the right man comes along.

At the end of the day, I really do want you to be happy and find true love and I hope your current relationship is just that. Wishing you all the best in 2017.



Sincerely,

Minty

Interest in "XYZ" Sorority

credit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZEp1HJQmLoY

I never pictured myself in a sorority. I remember my senior year in high school people would ask me if I was planning on rushing a sorority and I would always respond with "Huh? A sorority? I don't know? Maybe? Are you? What's a sorority? What is my name? What day is it?"...or something along those lines. Basically I was never all that interested in sororities and didn't know much about them. The most I knew is that Elle Woods was a part of one, they were typically for Caucasion girls, and that they were very expensive to join.

My freshman year of college I was exposed to the members of various sororities on campus and started to grow some interest in Greek Life. I first met members of the NPHC organizations ("Black" sororities and fraternities). I was so shocked to discover that historically black greeks even existed! I was in awe and would continue to observe the black greeks and greek life. 

Credit: http://bruinnphc.com/rush

Fast forward to my sophomore year of college where I was 100% sure I wanted to be a member of an NPHC sorority. I knew which sorority I felt I most attracted to and began to research, research, research. I would spend hours reading about the history of what we'll call "XYZ" sorority (NPHC organizations stress discretion when you are interested in an organization but are not yet a member. I believe this is mostly a traditional concept but also common practice.) and all about their founders, forming of, and current chapters all over the world. I would watch "probates"/New Initiate Presentations for days straight and looked up images of members and paraphernalia. I shocked myself with how passionate I was in pursuing membership. Like I said before, I never saw myself in a sorority so to be this interested surprised even me.

After discussing with my mom what my interests were, about how much I imagined it would cost, and the steps it would take to pursue membership--I wrote down a step by step savings plan and community service schedule for the summer of 2016. Through research, I knew that NPHC organizations stood for serving others and their community so I volunteered with Habitat for Humanity just as an insurance blanket as I already racked up many hours my freshman and sophomore years in college. I took up as many hours of work as I could and saved about 80% of each paycheck for the sorority dues. I met both my community service hours and savings goals for the summer.

credit: https://www.utdallas.edu/gogreek/nphc/

Presently, as of today, I have attended Rush and had my interview for the sorority and am now currently waiting for a letter of acceptance/rejection to come in the mail. I am SO anxious and have been praying like crazy that I am invited for membership. I am now a junior and will graduate in 4 semesters so I am really and truly hoping to become a member this fall so that I can experience the black greek life for as long as possible before graduating. I have been as patient as one can be at a time like this but I am so nervous and really hoping they see the potential in me to be a member of XYZ. There is an entire voting and verification process that I must pass first. I want this SO badly and really feel it would improve my college experience (I'm not the happiest when I'm at school) and also make great connections for the future. 

I will keep you guys updated as much as I can and when I can.

Three Years

Wow it's been over two years since my last post.

When I tell you a lot has changed A LOT has changed. First, my age. My last post was posted as a 17 year old and now I am 19 about to be 20 in September. I graduated from high school with honors and am now in college, also with honors. I graduated high school with a 3.8 GPA and now have a 3.6 GPA in college. I am still single (as usual right?) but with a lot more dating experiences behind me. If I thought I was on an emotional rollercoaster before I am on the world's biggest now. The activities I have become a part of and the people I've surrounded myself with these past two years is a complete 360 turn from all the things I talked about on this blog in the past few years.

And lucky for you, I'm about to tell you all about it!


Let's start with school. I graduated high school with honors and a 3.8 GPA on May 21 (or 22?), 2014. I am now attending a liberal arts school where I also have a scholarship for track. My first year of college I only paid $15 out of pocket and I couldn't be more proud of that. I am taking summer classes in July--next month--in order to catch up on credit hours and then will continue my sophomore year in August.

I am now 19 years of age and not ready to be in my twenties. This is my last year being a teen and I have learned so much along the way. Separate post to come, I'm sure. It's crazy because I feel so old yet I'm only going to be twenty.

These past two years I have "talked to"/dated numerous guys from different backgrounds and personalities. Let's start with one that we will call Q. Q is someone I met online while browsing Experience Project and noticed a notification in my messages. All it said was "Minttttyyyy"* and at first I hesitated but eventually replied back to him. We messaged each other back and forth for a few months on EP then decided to move the conversation over to a phone messaging app called Kik. I eventually gave him my phone number and we talked on the phone for the first time. We spoke for hours and there was never a dull or awkward moment. In the months following we would Skype, talk on the phone, and text (still via Kik due to what we were used to). I was convinced I loved him and that what we had was special and booked a hotel for Valentines Day so that I could go visit him. He lived in another state and we had planned to do dinner and a movie that day. I bought a GPS system to guide me since he lived in a neighbor state about 3 hours away. My friends thought I was crazy but I didn't care. By the grace of God, the biggest snow storm both our states had ever seen hit and I wouldn't be able to travel and go see him. If that wasn't a sign from God I don't know what is. We remained friends and continued to talk everyday after until I went to college in August. We were never boyfriend-girlfriend but I thought I loved him while all he wanted to do was have sex with me and use me to keep him company. Midway into me and Q's "situationship" I met "Joe" on a dating website and we went on a few dates before he decided to end things because he was still in love with his ex-almost-finacee. When I went to college me and Q naturally drifted apart and I was really heartbroken and missed him. Leading to my next mistake.

Jack, we'll call him, was the next guy I was involved with. He had a girlfriend but one day I was tricked into going back to his dorm with him. One day he asked me to come over to his dorm to cuddle and I reluctantly said yes. It was the weekend and my roommate was gone. He promised nothing would happen so I went over like the idiot I was. An hour into watching TV he kept trying to touch me and kiss me and everytime I've push him away and say no. I even threatened to leave if he didn't stop. His roommate came in with his own girl and I felt too embarrassed to say another word or fight him off so I was quiet and let him touch me. He fingered me and touched my breasts and grabbed my hand and placed it on his penis. He tried to stick his penis inside me and thats when God gave me the courage to finally stop him and leave. I felt so violated, disgusted, and humiliated by the whole experience. That was my first ever sexual experience and I hated every second of it. It took me a while to forgive myself and I never felt the same after that experience.

Soon after there was a guy I'll call Carl who would say one thing and do the other but he was too into his career and job to spend any time with me or to even text me back. We previously tried dating but I ended it because I wasn't ready for a committed relationship and we also had no chemistry. This second time around I didn't want to waste any more of my time so I eventually ended things. Joe came back into my life soon after (are you still with me, lol?) and we gave it another shot buuuuut I still feared a serious, committed relationship and one day I let him know that he was wasting his time because I didn't know when I'd ever be truly ready.

"Ken" was my friend throughout most of this time, we met on the social media app Instagram but I told him I only wanted to be friends because at the time I was still confused about my feelings for Q. Ken and I "talked"/dated for a complicated, on-and-off, seven or eight months before I found the strength to completely end things with him and vowed to keep our relationship on a friendship level. Which it still is to this day.

After Christmas break of college I had my second sexual experience with "Eli" and he was really an asshole. I don't know why I wasted my time with him. About three months of my time to be exact. We only hooked up (everything but sex) and he told me what I wanted to hear just to keep me around. He treated me decently enough that I would stay but finally I had the courage to end our flings when I found out he had a girlfriend and was having sex with other girls while we were hooking up. I was disgusted with myself and vowed to never give my body to anyone that I didn't love and wasn't in a relationship of some sort with.

And now we are in the present, to my current heartbreak, we will call him Jay. Do you remember this post from years and years ago? That dream was about him. Back then I called him M.J. but I like Jay better. What I have never shared on here is how I have had a huge crush on Jay all four years of high school and always wished he would notice me but he never seemed to. Junior and senior year of high school we became more friendly with each other and got to know each other a little better. We became friends and I was happy with that. Senior year came and we both had "transformed', what is called "glo'd up". I had recently cut my relaxed ends off my hair and was 100% natural. I loved the new change and so did everyone else. My confidence really radiated and I was getting more attention from guys than I ever imagined. He also changed up his hair, growing it out and fading the edges and sides. He also traded the glasses for contacts and found a new style of clothes and shoes. I always had a crush on him before but now I couldn't even control myself. This was the year he finally noticed me and began giving me the time of day. He unfortunately had a girlfriend but regardless we flirted and flirted and eventually started calling each other "bae" jokingly (which is basically a pet name similar to babe or baby).

We lost touch after we graduated but I always knew in my heart that if God wanted us to be together we would find a way to be together. And we did. Two months ago I posted a picture on Instagram and he commented saying "Minty* when will you be mine?"and from that day we began dating. I fell for him hard and faster than I ever imagined. I tried so hard to slow down and not get too excited about what this could become but the heart wants what the heart wants. No one has ever made me as happy as I was with Jay. He was so respectful, sweet, funny, mature, and real. This was the greatest guy I had ever been blessed to have in my life. I knew I loved him because I couldn't describe it any other way. He was and still is the only guy that could ever bring my guard down and my heart was his. He told me his heart was mine and that I was his. I thought everything was perfect until one night I found out he was making plans to see his ex who he was previously with before me. I remember asking God for a sign of whether or not Jay was right for me and if I was wasting my time and I really believe this was the sign I was looking for. I cannot tell you how heartbroken I am by this whole situation. I still love him and still want him to be happy but feel so miserable without him. I was really convinced that we had a future together and would maybe even get married. I thought he was the one. To be honest, I still think he is.

I believe that God has a plan for me and also for him. I don't think God took him out of my life to hurt me but to teach me a lesson. I need to build a relationship with God before I can truly be happy with myself or anyone else. And the same goes for him. With every fiber of my soul I really believe Jay will come back into my life whether it is in a week, month, or year. I believe it is God's plan. Every time I pray, I pray for clarity in this situation and many signs lead me to believe that I am right. There are also signs telling me that I am wrong at times though so I don't want to hold on to any hope. But just today I have received signs that show that we will be together again some day and I will continue to pray that this is truly in God's plan.

I will never stop loving Jay but if God chooses to place another man in my life I will allow him into my life, I will not only trust him but God himself. If me and Jay are really meant to be like I believe we are than all I can do is trust in The Lord and his plan even if it does include other men and a lot of pain and obstacles along the way.

I ask that you all pray for my peace and direction. I am always praying for you all. And expect many more posts from me very soon.

P.S. Through all of this, I am still a virgin and waiting until marriage.
P.P.S I originally wrote this post (originally titled Two Years) in the summer of 2015 but broke down crying while writing it and never finished/posted it. So today, April 25, 2016 I am finally finishing and posting it. It has taken me almost a year to recover from the Jay situation. I am now 20 and will be 21 this year. I am finishing up my Sophomore year of college with a 3.4 (I think) GPA.

*As with all names in all of my stories, Minty is not my "real" name. Minty really is a nickname people call me but in the instances in this story, that is not what they called me in those exact moments. 

Thoughts #12- Protective Parents

Why is it that some parents are so protective while others are more "realistic"? Yes there are drugs, alcohol, and sex going on with teens but that doesn't mean everyone is interested in that.

The way I see it, parents should be less concerned with what society's teens are up to and more concerned about what their teenager is up to. After all, that is the person they should be protecting, their own child.

I bring this up because today, actually about an hour ago, I asked my mom for a simple request (well it was simple in my eyes). I asked my mother if I could go to a fair with my two best friends, Sabrina and Eva.

Her response? She basically told me that I couldn't because teenagers hanging out with other teenagers is "dangerous" and that while driving all the laughing and talking is distracting and again--"dangerous". Uh, okay mom?

Let's not forget that these two ladies have been driving me around for the past year or two and that I hang out with them literally all the time. So why is it a problem now that were more grown and more independent?

What upsets me the most is not that I was not allowed to go but that she does not trust us, or me for that matter.

I am a good kid, I really am. I have never drank, smoked, had sex,and I rarely even cuss. I have friends who do all those things including shoplift, date men in their thirties, etc. Instead of comparing me to those "dangerous" teenagers, she should be commending me for the good morals, values, and behavior I have shown in these "wild" teen years.

Being too overprotective is what causes teens to rebel and become the wild, dangerous teen she doesn't want me to become. I hope she learns this soon because I'm tired of trying to be the best that I can be while being treated like I'm being the worst that I can be.

Images, respectively: nuchylee and adamr at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

How Minty Got Her Groove Back

federico stevanin | FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Let's start this post off by saying that  I am out of shape. Really, out of shape.

The kind of out of shape where you literally get tired walking up a few flights of stairs. 

But today I remembered something I said to my track coach a day before Winter break: "I will."

I will...will what?

Coach H. asked me to get in shape for the 4x2 race when school starts up again. I of course agreed. I have been wanting to get back into running after my diagnosis of a stress fracture (in my ankle) a few months back. Trust me when I say that is one of the worst injuries a runner can have.

So seven weeks later I stand face-to-face with my coach, promising him that I will do my best to get back into shape for track. 

piyato | FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Well, Winter Break came and after a week in I started feeling guilty for doing absolutely nothing. No running, no nothing. Just being a couch potato. 

I went to the mall Friday and what do you know? I saw my other coach, Coach R. at the mall. A sign maybe? I'd like to think so. 

So today I set out a mission, to go out running. For as long as I can stand (literally). My anxiety almost took the best of me but I forced myself and reminded myself of the two words I said to Coach H.: "I will."

Andy Newson | FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I will work out.

I will try.

I will do my best.

I will get in shape.

I will not give up.

I will be the best version of myself that I can be.

"I will" doesn't just mean running, it goes for all aspects of my life and today's epiphany made me realize that.

Today I faced my fears, beat my anxiety, and went out running. 

The fact that I was only out for exactly ten minutes? Well, it's the thought that counts.