A Letter to the First Man to Break My Heart

Jay,

You were the first man that I ever loved and I thought I could have a real future with. In such a short amount of time I fell for you...hard. You were all I thought about and I wanted to spend every day with you. I wanted to talk to you all day and still fall asleep to the sound of your voice.

Now, almost 2 years laters I still think about you and occasionally miss you but after choosing another girl over me, I could never want you back. Sometimes I wish we could be friends again but I know that wouldn't work.  You were my first heartbreak yet we were friends for years before dating and that is something I can never look past.

You have a new relationship, somewhat new (I of all people know that time doesn't determine anything, I fell for you in just a few short months), but you say you love her on social media. Thats something you never said to me and knowing you I really believe you mean it. With that being said, I genuinely hope that she makes you as happy as you made me and I pray that your relationship flourishes and succeeds. I really hope you treat her well and that she does the same to you.

I still feel the aftermaths of the heartbreak you caused. To this day I have never trusted anyone the way I reluctantly chose to trust you. I haven't been able to give myself emotionally to anyone for fear I will have to experience that same pain and depression I felt after we parted ways almost 2 years ago. I was so depressed I didn't want to get out of bed, I didn't want to eat. I would cry while driving; crying so hard I could barely see the road. I would go through the motions of life meanwhile feeling empty and depressed on the inside. This went on for almost a year until I was finally able to pick myself back up. Little by little.

Time heals wounds but the scar will always be left behind. Although I have no anger towards you, I am still affected by your actions. I hope that someday I can learn to trust and love again when the right man comes along.

At the end of the day, I really do want you to be happy and find true love and I hope your current relationship is just that. Wishing you all the best in 2017.



Sincerely,

Minty

Interest in "XYZ" Sorority

credit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZEp1HJQmLoY

I never pictured myself in a sorority. I remember my senior year in high school people would ask me if I was planning on rushing a sorority and I would always respond with "Huh? A sorority? I don't know? Maybe? Are you? What's a sorority? What is my name? What day is it?"...or something along those lines. Basically I was never all that interested in sororities and didn't know much about them. The most I knew is that Elle Woods was a part of one, they were typically for Caucasion girls, and that they were very expensive to join.

My freshman year of college I was exposed to the members of various sororities on campus and started to grow some interest in Greek Life. I first met members of the NPHC organizations ("Black" sororities and fraternities). I was so shocked to discover that historically black greeks even existed! I was in awe and would continue to observe the black greeks and greek life. 

Credit: http://bruinnphc.com/rush

Fast forward to my sophomore year of college where I was 100% sure I wanted to be a member of an NPHC sorority. I knew which sorority I felt I most attracted to and began to research, research, research. I would spend hours reading about the history of what we'll call "XYZ" sorority (NPHC organizations stress discretion when you are interested in an organization but are not yet a member. I believe this is mostly a traditional concept but also common practice.) and all about their founders, forming of, and current chapters all over the world. I would watch "probates"/New Initiate Presentations for days straight and looked up images of members and paraphernalia. I shocked myself with how passionate I was in pursuing membership. Like I said before, I never saw myself in a sorority so to be this interested surprised even me.

After discussing with my mom what my interests were, about how much I imagined it would cost, and the steps it would take to pursue membership--I wrote down a step by step savings plan and community service schedule for the summer of 2016. Through research, I knew that NPHC organizations stood for serving others and their community so I volunteered with Habitat for Humanity just as an insurance blanket as I already racked up many hours my freshman and sophomore years in college. I took up as many hours of work as I could and saved about 80% of each paycheck for the sorority dues. I met both my community service hours and savings goals for the summer.

credit: https://www.utdallas.edu/gogreek/nphc/

Presently, as of today, I have attended Rush and had my interview for the sorority and am now currently waiting for a letter of acceptance/rejection to come in the mail. I am SO anxious and have been praying like crazy that I am invited for membership. I am now a junior and will graduate in 4 semesters so I am really and truly hoping to become a member this fall so that I can experience the black greek life for as long as possible before graduating. I have been as patient as one can be at a time like this but I am so nervous and really hoping they see the potential in me to be a member of XYZ. There is an entire voting and verification process that I must pass first. I want this SO badly and really feel it would improve my college experience (I'm not the happiest when I'm at school) and also make great connections for the future. 

I will keep you guys updated as much as I can and when I can.

Three Years

Wow it's been over two years since my last post.

When I tell you a lot has changed A LOT has changed. First, my age. My last post was posted as a 17 year old and now I am 19 about to be 20 in September. I graduated from high school with honors and am now in college, also with honors. I graduated high school with a 3.8 GPA and now have a 3.6 GPA in college. I am still single (as usual right?) but with a lot more dating experiences behind me. If I thought I was on an emotional rollercoaster before I am on the world's biggest now. The activities I have become a part of and the people I've surrounded myself with these past two years is a complete 360 turn from all the things I talked about on this blog in the past few years.

And lucky for you, I'm about to tell you all about it!


Let's start with school. I graduated high school with honors and a 3.8 GPA on May 21 (or 22?), 2014. I am now attending a liberal arts school where I also have a scholarship for track. My first year of college I only paid $15 out of pocket and I couldn't be more proud of that. I am taking summer classes in July--next month--in order to catch up on credit hours and then will continue my sophomore year in August.

I am now 19 years of age and not ready to be in my twenties. This is my last year being a teen and I have learned so much along the way. Separate post to come, I'm sure. It's crazy because I feel so old yet I'm only going to be twenty.

These past two years I have "talked to"/dated numerous guys from different backgrounds and personalities. Let's start with one that we will call Q. Q is someone I met online while browsing Experience Project and noticed a notification in my messages. All it said was "Minttttyyyy"* and at first I hesitated but eventually replied back to him. We messaged each other back and forth for a few months on EP then decided to move the conversation over to a phone messaging app called Kik. I eventually gave him my phone number and we talked on the phone for the first time. We spoke for hours and there was never a dull or awkward moment. In the months following we would Skype, talk on the phone, and text (still via Kik due to what we were used to). I was convinced I loved him and that what we had was special and booked a hotel for Valentines Day so that I could go visit him. He lived in another state and we had planned to do dinner and a movie that day. I bought a GPS system to guide me since he lived in a neighbor state about 3 hours away. My friends thought I was crazy but I didn't care. By the grace of God, the biggest snow storm both our states had ever seen hit and I wouldn't be able to travel and go see him. If that wasn't a sign from God I don't know what is. We remained friends and continued to talk everyday after until I went to college in August. We were never boyfriend-girlfriend but I thought I loved him while all he wanted to do was have sex with me and use me to keep him company. Midway into me and Q's "situationship" I met "Joe" on a dating website and we went on a few dates before he decided to end things because he was still in love with his ex-almost-finacee. When I went to college me and Q naturally drifted apart and I was really heartbroken and missed him. Leading to my next mistake.

Jack, we'll call him, was the next guy I was involved with. He had a girlfriend but one day I was tricked into going back to his dorm with him. One day he asked me to come over to his dorm to cuddle and I reluctantly said yes. It was the weekend and my roommate was gone. He promised nothing would happen so I went over like the idiot I was. An hour into watching TV he kept trying to touch me and kiss me and everytime I've push him away and say no. I even threatened to leave if he didn't stop. His roommate came in with his own girl and I felt too embarrassed to say another word or fight him off so I was quiet and let him touch me. He fingered me and touched my breasts and grabbed my hand and placed it on his penis. He tried to stick his penis inside me and thats when God gave me the courage to finally stop him and leave. I felt so violated, disgusted, and humiliated by the whole experience. That was my first ever sexual experience and I hated every second of it. It took me a while to forgive myself and I never felt the same after that experience.

Soon after there was a guy I'll call Carl who would say one thing and do the other but he was too into his career and job to spend any time with me or to even text me back. We previously tried dating but I ended it because I wasn't ready for a committed relationship and we also had no chemistry. This second time around I didn't want to waste any more of my time so I eventually ended things. Joe came back into my life soon after (are you still with me, lol?) and we gave it another shot buuuuut I still feared a serious, committed relationship and one day I let him know that he was wasting his time because I didn't know when I'd ever be truly ready.

"Ken" was my friend throughout most of this time, we met on the social media app Instagram but I told him I only wanted to be friends because at the time I was still confused about my feelings for Q. Ken and I "talked"/dated for a complicated, on-and-off, seven or eight months before I found the strength to completely end things with him and vowed to keep our relationship on a friendship level. Which it still is to this day.

After Christmas break of college I had my second sexual experience with "Eli" and he was really an asshole. I don't know why I wasted my time with him. About three months of my time to be exact. We only hooked up (everything but sex) and he told me what I wanted to hear just to keep me around. He treated me decently enough that I would stay but finally I had the courage to end our flings when I found out he had a girlfriend and was having sex with other girls while we were hooking up. I was disgusted with myself and vowed to never give my body to anyone that I didn't love and wasn't in a relationship of some sort with.

And now we are in the present, to my current heartbreak, we will call him Jay. Do you remember this post from years and years ago? That dream was about him. Back then I called him M.J. but I like Jay better. What I have never shared on here is how I have had a huge crush on Jay all four years of high school and always wished he would notice me but he never seemed to. Junior and senior year of high school we became more friendly with each other and got to know each other a little better. We became friends and I was happy with that. Senior year came and we both had "transformed', what is called "glo'd up". I had recently cut my relaxed ends off my hair and was 100% natural. I loved the new change and so did everyone else. My confidence really radiated and I was getting more attention from guys than I ever imagined. He also changed up his hair, growing it out and fading the edges and sides. He also traded the glasses for contacts and found a new style of clothes and shoes. I always had a crush on him before but now I couldn't even control myself. This was the year he finally noticed me and began giving me the time of day. He unfortunately had a girlfriend but regardless we flirted and flirted and eventually started calling each other "bae" jokingly (which is basically a pet name similar to babe or baby).

We lost touch after we graduated but I always knew in my heart that if God wanted us to be together we would find a way to be together. And we did. Two months ago I posted a picture on Instagram and he commented saying "Minty* when will you be mine?"and from that day we began dating. I fell for him hard and faster than I ever imagined. I tried so hard to slow down and not get too excited about what this could become but the heart wants what the heart wants. No one has ever made me as happy as I was with Jay. He was so respectful, sweet, funny, mature, and real. This was the greatest guy I had ever been blessed to have in my life. I knew I loved him because I couldn't describe it any other way. He was and still is the only guy that could ever bring my guard down and my heart was his. He told me his heart was mine and that I was his. I thought everything was perfect until one night I found out he was making plans to see his ex who he was previously with before me. I remember asking God for a sign of whether or not Jay was right for me and if I was wasting my time and I really believe this was the sign I was looking for. I cannot tell you how heartbroken I am by this whole situation. I still love him and still want him to be happy but feel so miserable without him. I was really convinced that we had a future together and would maybe even get married. I thought he was the one. To be honest, I still think he is.

I believe that God has a plan for me and also for him. I don't think God took him out of my life to hurt me but to teach me a lesson. I need to build a relationship with God before I can truly be happy with myself or anyone else. And the same goes for him. With every fiber of my soul I really believe Jay will come back into my life whether it is in a week, month, or year. I believe it is God's plan. Every time I pray, I pray for clarity in this situation and many signs lead me to believe that I am right. There are also signs telling me that I am wrong at times though so I don't want to hold on to any hope. But just today I have received signs that show that we will be together again some day and I will continue to pray that this is truly in God's plan.

I will never stop loving Jay but if God chooses to place another man in my life I will allow him into my life, I will not only trust him but God himself. If me and Jay are really meant to be like I believe we are than all I can do is trust in The Lord and his plan even if it does include other men and a lot of pain and obstacles along the way.

I ask that you all pray for my peace and direction. I am always praying for you all. And expect many more posts from me very soon.

P.S. Through all of this, I am still a virgin and waiting until marriage.
P.P.S I originally wrote this post (originally titled Two Years) in the summer of 2015 but broke down crying while writing it and never finished/posted it. So today, April 25, 2016 I am finally finishing and posting it. It has taken me almost a year to recover from the Jay situation. I am now 20 and will be 21 this year. I am finishing up my Sophomore year of college with a 3.4 (I think) GPA.

*As with all names in all of my stories, Minty is not my "real" name. Minty really is a nickname people call me but in the instances in this story, that is not what they called me in those exact moments. 

Thoughts #12- Protective Parents

Why is it that some parents are so protective while others are more "realistic"? Yes there are drugs, alcohol, and sex going on with teens but that doesn't mean everyone is interested in that.

The way I see it, parents should be less concerned with what society's teens are up to and more concerned about what their teenager is up to. After all, that is the person they should be protecting, their own child.

I bring this up because today, actually about an hour ago, I asked my mom for a simple request (well it was simple in my eyes). I asked my mother if I could go to a fair with my two best friends, Sabrina and Eva.

Her response? She basically told me that I couldn't because teenagers hanging out with other teenagers is "dangerous" and that while driving all the laughing and talking is distracting and again--"dangerous". Uh, okay mom?

Let's not forget that these two ladies have been driving me around for the past year or two and that I hang out with them literally all the time. So why is it a problem now that were more grown and more independent?

What upsets me the most is not that I was not allowed to go but that she does not trust us, or me for that matter.

I am a good kid, I really am. I have never drank, smoked, had sex,and I rarely even cuss. I have friends who do all those things including shoplift, date men in their thirties, etc. Instead of comparing me to those "dangerous" teenagers, she should be commending me for the good morals, values, and behavior I have shown in these "wild" teen years.

Being too overprotective is what causes teens to rebel and become the wild, dangerous teen she doesn't want me to become. I hope she learns this soon because I'm tired of trying to be the best that I can be while being treated like I'm being the worst that I can be.

Images, respectively: nuchylee and adamr at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

How Minty Got Her Groove Back

federico stevanin | FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Let's start this post off by saying that  I am out of shape. Really, out of shape.

The kind of out of shape where you literally get tired walking up a few flights of stairs. 

But today I remembered something I said to my track coach a day before Winter break: "I will."

I will...will what?

Coach H. asked me to get in shape for the 4x2 race when school starts up again. I of course agreed. I have been wanting to get back into running after my diagnosis of a stress fracture (in my ankle) a few months back. Trust me when I say that is one of the worst injuries a runner can have.

So seven weeks later I stand face-to-face with my coach, promising him that I will do my best to get back into shape for track. 

piyato | FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Well, Winter Break came and after a week in I started feeling guilty for doing absolutely nothing. No running, no nothing. Just being a couch potato. 

I went to the mall Friday and what do you know? I saw my other coach, Coach R. at the mall. A sign maybe? I'd like to think so. 

So today I set out a mission, to go out running. For as long as I can stand (literally). My anxiety almost took the best of me but I forced myself and reminded myself of the two words I said to Coach H.: "I will."

Andy Newson | FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I will work out.

I will try.

I will do my best.

I will get in shape.

I will not give up.

I will be the best version of myself that I can be.

"I will" doesn't just mean running, it goes for all aspects of my life and today's epiphany made me realize that.

Today I faced my fears, beat my anxiety, and went out running. 

The fact that I was only out for exactly ten minutes? Well, it's the thought that counts.

10 Favorites of 2012

Show
From Criminal Minds to Grey's Anatomy and now American Horror Story has that special place in my heart. AHS is so unexpectedly good.

Online Store
Yesstyle.com. Now I've only made one order this year but it was a good one. Remember?

Image: Stuart Miles | FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Girl Crush
I've been crushing hard on Adriana Lima this year. That girl is all kinds of hot and I wish I could spend at least a day looking like her.

Quote
"Don’t be pushed by your problems; be led by your dreams." -Author Unknown

Image from their channel

People
Judy and Benji of itsJudysLife on Youtube. They are an amazing couple that share their everyday lives with the world. They give me hope, this is what I want my life to be like someday.

Product
NYX HD Photogenic Concealer in Nutmeg. This covers all my dark marks and under eye circles perfectly!

Image: stockimages | FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Decision
Going natural. Meaning I am no longer relaxing my hair with harmful chemicals and I am now planning on growing out my hair with my natural texture. Best decision I have ever made.

Dessert
As far as my favorite dessert that I have made it's going to be my Oreo Cheesecake Bites...as I like to call them. Recipe here.

Image: Sicha Pongjivanich|FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Trend
Big statement, collar, necklaces. I just love it, nothing more to it.

Moment
My favorite moment of 2012 was when I reconnected with my half sister through Facebook, then though phone convos.

New Years Resolutions 2012

Image: FrameAngel | FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I make this list just about every year. I made some last year. And some the year before.

I guess you could say I'm a pro at this point.

But this year I'm keeping it basic.

The one thing I really, really need to do in 2013 (and every year after that) is to be more grateful for what I have.

Just this morning I was thinking how I should kill myself so that I don't have to live this horrible life called Minty's life.

But now I've realized that I need to be a little happier with the things I have. May not happen but as long as I can be more optimistic than negative, I'm good.

Minty's Christmas Wishlist 2012

Long time no see. Looooong time no see. I have been gone for a while for various reasons.

Mostly laziness but also school. Junior year has definitely been the most hectic. SO. Much. Homework.

And it's every night! I wish teachers would realize that I actually have TWO blogs to keep up with, my social life, my family life, and track.

Anyway, I had to come back for the my annual Christmas Wishlist. I mean come on, did you really think I was going to miss it?

1. Steve Madden Zerge Riding Boots. I don't think anyone knows how badly I want some riding boots. I am ripping my hair out trying to find the perfect pair and these are it!
2. Fashion Lab Jane Studded Combat Boots. Hell yes! These boots are just plain old sexy. What else is there to say except I need these on my feet right now?
3. Basic Essentials Metallic Pants. Dare I say? These are almost as sexy as the combat boots...
4. Jordie Animal Print Ballet Flats. The black is currently out of stock but as soon as they come back I am hoping on these bad boys!
5. Leaf Open Adjustable Ring in Gold by janesshopinetsy on Etsy. This Etsy shop has vanished (totally sketch...) but this gorgeous ring still made it on my list. 
6. Personalized Bracelet by Frosted Willow on Etsy. My name's not the most common (my real name, not Minty...come on guys) so this is a nice alternative. Initial bracelets? YES.
7. Womens Nike Victoria Sneakers. I really like Nike. We have a love hate relationship actually. Love Nike's stuff, but hate their prices. Geez, don't they know I'm broke?

So that's basically everything that I want for Christmas but won't get for Christmas. I'll probably get a card, a hug, and a million "Merry Christmas" greetings. But I'll keep praying to the money Gods until then. 

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas Eve!

Naughty Bucket List (NSFW)

I was watching episodes of the talk show Bethenny on Youtube and one episode really stuck to me. Bethenny went around her audience asking what was on everyone's "sex bucket list" so obviously I had to come here and create my own.

Now you all already know that I'm abstinent, but when the time comes, I have this list to look back on.

image: imagerymajestic/FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

Sex Outdoors. Specifically in broad daylight. That's as kinky as I'll go.

image: imagerymajestic/FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

Bath Tub/Shower Sex. This one is self explanatory, who doesn't fantasize about sex in the tub or shower? I'd love to have sex in the shower but a tub works too. I'm also not opposed to just taking a shower together.

image: farconville/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Wild Sex Positions. I'm not talking about "69." I'm talking The X Factor, The Scorpion, Seated Wheelbarrow, etc. Anything that looks freaky and hits the right spot all at the same time.

image: YaiSirichaii/FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

In Sexy Lingerie. So this one isn't wild or exciting but it is something that's pretty high on my list. I can just see it now...hubby comes home from work looking for me only to find me waiting on the bed wearing sexy lingerie and stilettos.

image: BJWOK/FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

Lesbian Sex. Another one that's pretty self explanatory but I'm curious like many girls my age and lesbian sex is definitely on my sex bucket list. Sounds amazing and fun, so why not?

image: Stuart Miles/FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

Sex Using Food. Pouring syrup on each other? Yes please. Licking whipped cream off each other? Yes please. Caramel? Yes please. Ice Cream? Yes please. Chocolate? Yes please. Did I miss anything? Nope.

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net / David Castillo Dominici

Spanked in Bed. Need I say more?

There's a whole lot more to be added to this list but I'll save that for another post. What's on your naughty bucket list? 

Newspaper Bird Art Tutorial

As promised, here is a very short tutorial for the newspaper bird art that I featured in one of my past posts.

I had a credit left on Copious.com so I decided I might as well use it on something. Then I found this confetti, perfectly shaped to match my bird/nature theme, and I had to buy it! It was only about $2.50, I cant remember the exact amount. I had no idea what I was going to do with it but finally settled on this.

What you need:
-Double sided tape
-Bird confetti (see below)
-Picture frame
-Copy paper

Bought this on Copious.com, but you can also purchase something very similar on Etsy.com.

Basically all I did was take a sheet of paper, cut it to fit the frame (mine was 5 x 7) and then start lining them up. I used double sided tape to stick each separate bird on.

Then at the very end, as you can see in the first picture, I took a bird, traced it, cut it out, then using a yellow marker fill it in to make one accent yellow bird. You could really place it anywhere you wanted and fill it in with whatever color you want.

Put it in your frame and you're done! I know my tutorial doesn't have very many pictures but it's super easy so this should be helpful enough. 

It's All Coming Together

I know it's been long, too long, since my last post but hopefully this post will make up for it. Feel free to share in my excitement when I say...

The day has finally come that I can start buying/making things for my dream room!

Remember all those posts I made about getting my first bedroom, having a place I can call my own, feeling safe in my own room, etc. Well I can now stop dreaming about it and instead start living that dream.

I'm literally smiling as i write this post, but can you blame me? This is the first time in my entire 16 years of life when I can actually say I have my own room and have friends spend the night. 

Take a look at what I've got so far.

DIY Bird Silhouette Art. I created these by printing pictures online and putting them in these frames that I bought. I originally got this idea from Live Love DIY. If you want to create your own, just google "free printable bird silhouettes" and get to printing. The frames came in a pack of three for $6.99 at TJMaxx. Great deal or what?

DIY Newspaper Bird Art. This was made using confetti, which I bought on Copious, but you can also purchase something similar on Etsy. There will be a tutorial for this up soon.

Frames. I purchased this picture frame set at TJMaxx for $6.99. This will be great for putting pictures of my friends, pets, whatever. I'll be sure to update when they are filled.

Pillows. These two pillow cases I made using fabric that I purchased on Amazon. The yellow one here, and the blue/gray one here. I only purchased one yard of each and made two pillows of the blue/gray and one of the yellow with a lot of fabric left over from both. Obviously these aren't stuffed yet but you'll see them wrinkle free and stuffed hopefully soon.

Also I wanted to show you my new room design plan. It was originally going to be blue, purple, white, and black themed but I realized that color scheme just isn't "me" so I changed it to this:

credit: scadet on polyvore

Yellow, blue, gray, and white. This color scheme I am truly in love with. Everything about it is pure perfection. I love the hints of "glamour", the natural element, the patterns, just everything! This is exactly what I want for my room. I also love the bird/nature theme, which I decided to do as well.

I still have major purchases that I need to make. Nightstands, lamps, lamp remotes (I'll explain later), bedding, a headboard, and a dresser.

Hopefully you like bedroom makeovers/decor stuff because there's going to be a lot of that going on these next few months. 

Twisted Triangle and The Boiling Point

Image: nuttakit/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Long time no see, yes?

Well lucky for you I have a lot to talk about today.

So much, in fact, that I'm going to try to summarize as much as possible.

The thing I'm most wanting to talk about is my friend Sabrina. She recently started her own blog (not going to link it because I am an anonymous blogger and she has chosen to show her identity on her new blog) and on it she is going into a lot of detail about her life and her love life.

I know, I know. She's sixteen, what love life?

Well, a few months ago she was involved in a very complicated love triangle. A thirty year old guy she hooked up with (he's her parent's coworker), his ex-wife, his girlfriend, and her.

All the while they had been making out in his car, he was cheating on both her and his girlfriend.

On Sabrina's blog she is very open about this, first and last names are mentioned. Everything is described, nothing is left out.

I don't know how she does it but I could never open up my life to the public unless it was anonymous. That's like an open diary.

Another thing I wanted to mention was my mom. I always talk about how weight doesn't matter and people should not worry about other's weight unless they are unhealthy.

Image: Grant Cochrane/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I am 5'3, 107 pounds and I am perfectly healthy according to my doctors.

She, on the other hand, seems to think it's okay to always tell me that I need to gain weight, eat more and stop being so skinny.

As if I purposely diet to be thin...

I'm obviously naturally thin, my parents (out of all people) have been calling me skinny since I was a little girl.

I don't miss meals, I snack, I eat all the time.

It's not her f*cking business to talk about my weight if I am at a healthy weight.

Yesterday, on the way back from a track meet we were talking about how I need to start eating healthier and not eat so much junk food.

And guess what she said?

"You also need to start eating more, you have no meat on your bones...look at you..."

And guess what I did?

Yell at her.

I was so mad. She has mentioned this several times before and every time she does I tell her that I don't like that she says that to me. Why will she not understand?

Just like she has taught me my whole life, yelling is the key to getting people to listen. She yells at us for every thing we do so I'm assuming it's okay for me to raise my voice at her too?

I told her I was offended that she would think I have some sort of eating disorder when I have been naturally thin my entire life and that I eat just like everyone else. I made sure she heard me when I said that the doctors have never told me I was unhealthy or too thin.

I may be a size zero but I am still a human being. I'm so tired of hearing "real women have curves." Does that make me fake? I must be a robot.

Well guess what bitches, real women have no curves too.

Spring is in the Air

credit: emeraldsparkled.com

Credit: inspirafashion.blogspot.com

credit: honeywerehome.blogspot.com

credit:fictiongroupie/flickr.com

A collection of pictures that get me excited for Spring. I'm so over this cold weather. Spring Break is also in...*wait for it*...two weeks!

BYOC

Time for another week of Bring Your Own Crazy, as always, brought to us by the always amazing Just Me, Drazil & Sheniqua.

This week the questions are extra crazy, so of course you know your girl had to jump in and get on this!

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net/Michal Marcol

If you were going to scratch your ass in public, which cheek would you start with?

This question...oh goodness. I would scratch whichever cheek was farthest away from visibility. I don't need everybody all in my business...or in this case, my ass.

Image: www.flickr.com / rubbermaid

If you were a fashion designer, what's the first item of clothing you'd design for yourself and why.
I would probably design a pair of shoes for myself. Never in my entire life has a shoe fit me exactly the way I'd like nor does any shoe fit my wide, flat footed self perfectly. I also think designers are getting more and more cookie cutter and it's hard to find a cute, unique pair of shoes thats different from what everyone else is wearing.

photo: flickr.com / grwitters

Turn to your family or anyone next to you and ask them to describe you in 5 words and listen to their answers.

There's no one around me and I'm not about to go all the way downstairs to ask my sister so I'll just list a few of the words people have used to describe me in the past:

Funny
Weird
Strong (my friend Eva told me this recently)
Smart
Pretty

I'm only answering three out of the four questions today so hasta la vista!

Project: New Wardrobe

Lately I have been obsessed with getting a new wardrobe for my junior year in highschool and starting fresh with my style.

I've always been into fashion--since the seventh grade--but I could never afford the clothing that I wanted to achieve my own personal style. So this time I'm planning it all out and being smart about it.

I'm thrifting all my old clothes that I no longer wear/like and the wearable, stylish clothing will be sold to Plato's Closet. In case you're wondering why I'm getting rid of my cute clothes, it's because I really want to start fresh. Meaning, if it's been worn dozens of times, it needs to go!

I'm hoping that the clothes I sell to Plato's Closet will be enough for me to add to my bank account and save up for a shopping spree. 

I've made a lot of progress already. I've sorted through my closet and now all that's in there is 66 clothing items that include basics, jeans, shorts, cardigans, shirts, blouses and skirts. It may sound like a lot but it really isn't. Most aren't appropriate for school.

The last thing I have done is bought new clothes to replace all my old ones that I'm getting rid of. A.K.A., a shopping spree.

Here's what I got:

(pictures removed due to copy right, this will be updated by August 10th with new pics)

These were all ordered from Yesstyle.com. I had an amazing experience ordering. I ordered on Saturday and it arrived on the following Tuesday! Can you believe it came from Hong Kong that quick?

I plan to make another large order from them over the summer when their Spring/Summer clothing is available. For now, I'm going to keep saving up to my goal for a new wardrobe for my junior year.

2 Years Later...

image: zigazou76 / flickr.com

Can you believe it has been two years since my first post on this blog?

TWO YEARS.

That is such a big amount when you say it but living through it is so much faster.

I have shared more with this blog than I have wth any of my friends, family, or even my therapist.

Its like an open diary for you all to read.

Sometimes I look back and think "I shouldnt have posted that" or "I cant believe I said that." But in the end I know that I can freely say anything I want to and none of my readers will judge.

I haven't gotten any comments on this blog, but I keep up with my stats and know there are silent readers out there. Maybe even some that are going through what I am going through.

Thank you all so much for sticking with me and thank you to those who read my posts.

I appreciate you more than words will allow me to express.

Let's see what the rest of the year brings!

flickr.com / littlefishyjes

"Open your eyes and see the world for what it really is, not what you want it to be."

-Unknown

BYOC

It's been a while, but Bring Your Own Crazy is back. It's just Me, Drazil & Sheniqua has prepared special, holiday questions for us.

Photo by Christina Rutz

How do you feel about NY resolutions? Do you make them? Do you forget about them quickly? Do they help you?
I have nothing against New Year resolutions. I don't normally make resolutions since I forget about them and never really try to achieve them. I forget them about a week after I make them! I made them last year, but also failed. No, they do not help me since I never do them...

Did you put up a Christmas tree? How many? Is it still up?
I put up one Christmas tree up, in my living room. My mom decorated it with a blue, silver and "touch of gold" color scheme. It was really pretty. It IS still up because Christmas season isn't over until January 7th...tomorrow. I'm Catholic by the way.

How many total Christmases did you choose to have to attend outside of your home?
Zero. All of our family members live in other parts of the country and other parts of the world so it's not convenient for anyone. Therefore we stay home.

Image:FreeDigitalPhotos.net / MR LIGHTMAN

What are you most looking forward to this year?
I'm most looking forward to the outdoor track season. I miss being outside for track meets (right now we are competing in an indoor season), I miss the feeling of competition, I miss having all the space and freedom of being outdoors. I don't know. It's just the "normal" feeling for me.

I'm also looking forward to my new room that I might get this year. If all goes well *crosses fingers* (update 7/24/12- I will be getting my new room since my brother is leaving for college) then I will be buying furniture and moving things in this summer. Afterwards my brother will move out and into college and I can have the room!

10 Favorites of 2011

Show
My favorite show this year went from Criminal Minds to Grey's Anatomy. I still love, love, love Criminal Minds but Grey's Anatomy is taking the crown this year.

Favorite set from a user called scadet

Website
This is a tie between Polyvore.com and Swagbucks. I love the concept behind Polyvore and being able to use my creativity and I also love that Swagbucks.com allows me to earn points which can be redeemed for money.

Artisit/Singer
I love everything about Adele. Her music, her voice, her strength and obviously her songs. My favorite song from her is a tie between Turning Tables and Rolling in the Deep.

 Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net/ photostock

Activity
2011 was my year of blogging. Blogging has become a big part of my life. It is a fun, stress relieving activity for me and I truly enjoy it. I have a nail blog and this personal blog and I love both the same.

Movie
Salt. I saw this movie during the summer and I really loved it. It's so intense it's crazy! I'm really hoping for a sequel because this was my favorite movie out of all the movies I have seen this year.

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net / J Frasse

Obsession
It is no secret that I have obsessed, obsessed, obsessed this year with...just about anything! But my biggest obsession has been nail polish. I have collected over 270 bottles in 11 months and I am still accumulating them now. Nail polish just makes me happy, it really does.

Magazine
I know, I know. Magazine? Remember that I am totally random and I want to keep things interesting...not the same thing every time. So anyway, Glamour magazine is my favorite magazine. I have read every single issue for almost three years now. 

Celebrity
Christian Siriano. I love him! Gay, fierce, funny, dramatic...just amazing. I actually only fell in love with him yesterday during the Project Runway season 4 marathon but I love him enough that he is on this list. That's a pretty big deal.

Item
My Snuggie! Of course. Need I say more?

Moment
My favorite moment of 2011 was the day of State when I not only remained first during my 400 in the 4x400 meter relay but I also ran my personal record of 59.9 seconds.

Christmas 2011

 

 

So Christmas this year was great. We had the most delicious dinner...as you can see.

We actually didn't get any presents this year since my mom couldn't afford any but the food definitely made up for it. More than made up for it actually.

It was SO good!

Just a disclaimer, we did have a turkey. I just didn't take a picture since the legs fell off. Wasn't too pretty after that...

So starting from the first picture we had a three cheese casserole. The recipe for this came from Tastes of Home magazine.

Second picture, not too sure about this one. My sister made it and I don't know where the recipe came from. It has bacon, tomatoes and onion in it and was thickened with whipping cream.

Third picture is my favorite! This I made myself. I got the recipe from Tastes of Home magazine. The sauce is called "Family's Favorite Pasta Sauce" and I completely agree. It's made with so many spices and flavors that you just want to keep eating and eating.

Next was some simple white rice with a hint of greens. We had gravy to go with it but I didn't take a picture of it.

The sugar cookies are the Pillsbury store bought dough that I rolled out and attempted to shape into Christmas trees. I had a lot of fun icing it but obviously they didn't come out super pretty and "professional".

The gorgeous red velvet cupcakes are from the Wal-Mart bakery and tasted so good! I ate about four of them.

Welch's sparkling juice cocktail are great! This is probably the third or fourth year that we have bought them.

Overall, even without presents, Christmas was amazing.

I think I'm starting to accept that I don't have a perfect life and it's okay to not have as much money as my friends. It's okay that I can't afford Christmas presents. It's no the end of the world.

Christmas is about family and spending time with the ones you love. Not about material things like presents.