Friday, April 29, 2011
"The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work."
 -Robert Frost

Thursday, April 28, 2011

30 Days Challenge- Day 26

Something you could never get tired of doing.
Nail art! I love doing random nail designs, whether it's flowers, dots, stripes just, anything interesting. I get really excited when I do something really cute and I get to show it off at school. Sometimes people ask me who does my nails and when I say that I do them myself they are shocked. Some people even ask me to do their nails for them.

It's just a fun hobby of mine and I really don't see myself stopping anytime soon.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Thoughts #9- The Ones You Love, Hurt You The Most
A couple of days ago I was getting a snack to eat and my mom looks at me and says "You're too skinny. You need to eat more food." I was pretty confused since she's never said anything about my weight before and didn't really seem to have a problem with it. I told her I was fine the way I was and went about my day. Then she continues with the nonsense..."It's ugly, you need to gain more weight. Every time I look at you it makes me upset to see how skinny you are."

You can sit there and say that she is just trying to help or just being a mother and didn't try to come off as mean, but no. Absolutely no excuses for saying that kind of bullshit (excuse my language). Remember that post I wrote about how it's not okay to call someone "too skinny" and think it doesn't offend them? Yeah, same situation here.

My mother seriously sat there thinking that it was perfectly fine to tell me that my body was ugly since I was too skinny. Really? You are my mom and this is what you're saying to me?

I was in shock, I simply stood there, said "thank you" and walked away. I don't know why I said thank you but I haven't really talked to her since. Maybe it's wrong, but I definitely expect an apology from her. Even if she doesn't think what she said was wrong, she can still she how much it upsets me. That should be enough to take a second out of your day to say "I'm sorry".

If there is one thing I learned from this it is that I will never trust my mother. Because all she will do is judge me. So if I lose my virginity and I regret it, I definitely won't be telling her. If someone says something to me at school that really hurts me, she will be the last to hear about it. And if I am really excited about a new boyfriend, I'll do everything possible to make sure she doesn't know about him. There is not one thing I want to share with that woman, ever again.

P.S. I'm a healthy 108 pound, 5"3 15 year old and couldn't be happier. As Tyra would say it, SO WHAT?

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Loss of Interest
I'm pretty sure Sean has lost interest in me. It's weird to say that considering we've probably talked a total of five times in the last two weeks but I still think he has lost interest. We haven't had a real conversation in almost a week and when I pass by him there's no "Hey" and he doesn't flash that gorgeous smile at me.

We had a meet yesterday and I spent all day with him. We literally talked like, twice. And it wasn't even anything special. Twice is better than nothing...right?

I guess this is kind of my fault. I've been all shy around him and avoided him for a few days so he's probably thinking that I'm the one who's uninterested. I really hope not because I love talking to him, even if it's to tell him that he did a good job in his race. He's a super nice and really sweet guy. Plus, he's crazy attractive. I think I've mentioned that a few times.

He's a junior so I feel like we have nothing in common--therefore nothing to talk about. But I have school and practice tomorrow so maybe I'll talk to him then.

Friday, April 22, 2011

“True love doesn't have a happy ending, because true love never ends."
-Author Unknown 

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

A Confession To Myself

It's finally time I stop lying to myself.

I'm scared. Of life, love, people, sex, and everything in between. I care too much what people think, how people will see me, or how I will see myself. I pretty much don't do anything for myself anymore. I do it for other people.

The whole "I'm abstinence because it's the right thing for me and it's in my religion" thing is true. But there's definitely more to it. I'm afraid of being used, heartbroken, or rejected. Maybe this traces back to my father practically walking out on my family and me, but at the same time maybe not. Sex is big for me, it really, truly is. It's something I think about all the time (yes, I'm just like every other teen, I get the hots sometimes too), but I can't imagine ever doing it. Not right now in my life, not in this stage of my life. Just not anytime soon.

And all this damn pressure! Goodness. I can make a whole list of who my friends have had sex with and how many times and where and what it was like (totally exaggerating here). Either all my friends are whores or I need to catch up.

I feel like I don't belong, like I'm not normal. I put on a fake face, go to school and pretend that when I get home all these thoughts won't flow through my head.

Confidence? Or lack there of? I seriously get nervous around my male teachers and they are in their 40s! That day I talked to Sean, no nerves. Afterwards, the next day at practice--so incredibly nervous. Why? I do not know. Maybe I lost some of that high self-esteem I carried during that conversation on the bus. Or maybe I'm just nervous because I feel like I have to impress him now. Either way, that whole Wisconsin thing (I refuse to go in detail, click the label if you want to know) really, totally thrashed my self esteem and it's never going to be as good as it was. Or at least not for a while.

I make excuses for myself, not having control scares me, being vulnerable makes my heart skip a beat and not looking like I have everything together is a no-no. I could go on and on about the things I need to fix about myself.

So when I say I need to stop lying to myself I mean stop telling myself the complete opposite of everything I just said. I need to learn to be true to myself because the way I am now is getting me nowhere and honestly, I'm annoying myself. I just want to live my life without being afraid of this or that or being so damn anxious all the time.

I just want to be happy.

P.S. This is my 200th post!

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Just Another Day

By now I have completely failed on the whole "let's not crush on Sean" thing. Yes, I fall too easy and this is no exception.

I mean, I've been attracted to him for a while (or you could just say I think he's H.O.T!), but I haven't actually had a real crush on him until now.

Yesterday I had another track meet to go to and it was awful. The only good parts were the ones where I got to talk to Sean. Just like last time, we joked around, laughed, and just had fun. We didn't talk for long since he had to go run his next event.

At the end of the track meet I called my brother to pick me up and it took him about an hour and a half to finally pick me up! I was just sitting out there in the cold, all alone, embarrassed and humiliated. Sean came up to me and asked me for a ride and would not leave until he knew I was going to get home safely. It was so sweet. He is such a nice guy, it's unreal.
After I made it very clear that I'd be fine and that my brother was on his way, he left. But it made me feel better to know that he was willing to take me home.

And to be honest, I should have taken his offer. I was there for another 30 minutes and I would love to ride in a car alone with Sean for 10 or 15 minutes. It could have been amazing.

I don't want to be in a relationship with him but at the same time I do--I really don't know what I want. All I know is that eventually I want what's in that picture above. With Sean or just anyone. But hopefully it's with Sean. (;

Friday, April 15, 2011

Whoa! It's been awhile since my last quote Friday. Anyway, here's a really good one we could all use.

"I can accept failure. Everyone fails at something. But I cannot accept not trying."
-Michael Jordan
photo credit:

Thursday, April 14, 2011

I'm So Excited, I Just Can't Hide It!

So I know I said I wouldn't start crushing...but I am! Sean and I talked again today. I sound like such a freshman, but I don't even care. We had a nice conversation after practice and even if it wasn't as long as the one on the bus, it was still great! I'm pretty much letting down all my walls and letting out all of my excitement. At this point, I don't even care how immature or weird I seem. I mean, Sean is this super attractive, really athletic, nice, sweet, funny guy and he actually wants to sit down and talk to me? Yeah, it's pretty amazing. And especially after what went down in Wisconsin, this makes me feel incredible.

Okay, that's it. See you in my next post.
photo credit:

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

My Bucket List (Part 1)

I've been thinking about it for a long time now and I decided I'd post my bucket list. I think I will do this frequently until I can't think of anything else I want to do with my life. It's just another way for you to get to know me.

Travel to at least 15 of the 50 states.
Run in a charity race.

Fall in love with someone.

Out of the three, the last one is the one I want the most.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

A Person of Interest

I was invited by my coaches to travel to South Carolina for the 19th Annual Taco Bell Classic Track Meet. It's one of the nation's biggest track meets so of course I was excited to go!
We drove in a charter bus for about 6-7 hours until we got to SC and checked into our hotels.

The meet was on Friday and finals were on Saturday. I competed both days but didn't place for any of them. I made some personal records, so my times were good, but it was a super competitive meet.

Anyway, on Friday, after we competed in the trials, we went back to our hotel rooms for the night. The girls and boys stayed in the same hotel so it wasn't hard to sneak boys into our room. So guess who came to our room? Yep, Derek and his friend. Sabrina was one of my roommates and it surprised me how comfortable I was.
Derek and I are slowly becoming friends and Sabrina and I have gone past the whole make out thing. I think I have grown to realize I cannot have every guy I want and I just need to wait for the right one to come along. If Derek makes Sabrina happy--it's whatever, really. We just hung out for a couple hours, just having fun and joking around. It was a really amazing night.
Now, for the best part of the story; the bus ride home. We competed Saturday then made our way back home. I fell asleep for about an hour and woke up to Sabrina and Sean (a guy on my track team that I have the hots for) sitting next to me. I was about to die when I realized it was him. He is beyond sexy and has an amazing personality! I don't know how it happened but we just started talking and kept talking for a good 2 or 3 hours, maybe more. We talked about pet peeves, obsessions, ourselves, each other, even past relationships. The most random of things--we talked about. We joked around, laughed, and just had fun!
I can tell you one thing, Sean is one of the nicest, sweetest, funniest guys I know.

I wish I could tell you more about him, but that was literally the most I have ever talked to him. We really didn't know each other until then.

Now I'm trying this new thing where I crush on a guy and take it slow. I don't want to end up falling for him and then getting my heart broken like I did with Derek. I need to give it time and let nature take it's course. 

If someone told me that Sean and I would become friends this weekend, I wouldn't believe it. But it happened, and I love it!

Thursday, April 07, 2011

I'm Still Alive!

I suck at blogging lately.
I've been busy, tired, lazy...but there's not really a good excuse.

I'll be going to South Carolina this weekend, and then when I get back I'll post more often and maybe schedule some posts for my busy week ahead.

I have a lot planned to post but I just haven't had the time!
I promise I have not forgotten about the 30 Days Challenge, 10 Series or even the "Thoughts" series.

I've just been feeling out of with. There's no real explanation.

Anyway, see you soon. I have to get to packing!