Life

These past few weeks that I haven't posted because my computer was down and I had no easy access to internet.

Unfortunately you missed my birthday and I didn't get to write a post for it.

My birthday was of course, boring. I didn't hang out with friends, I didn't get presents, I wasn't bombarded with hugs and kisses. None of that. Instead we went to the a Chinese buffet a week before.

I didn't feel special or anything like that, just another day.

However now I am 16 years old. Yes, 1-6. 

Crazy right? I started this blog in 8th grade, I'm in the 10th grade now and I am SIXTEEN!

It's nice, I can legally drive now (once I actually get my license).

Last week we had a guest speaker in Health class that spoke to us about sex, STD's, and why abstinence is the best choice to stay protected.

I finally felt comfortable talking about it. The guest speaker was a woman who actually waited until marriage to have sex. Her son is also abstinent and is currently engaged (he's still waiting by the way).

So often people rush into sex that I forget that there are people who actually do wait.

I mostly wanted to wait for religious and personal reasons but now I plan to wait because those statistics for STD's sound really scary and I want to avoid that as much as possible.

Not to mention that I will most likely get emotionally attached to whoever I have sex with and I would rather not be single after that happens.

Sabrina and I are fine by the way. I really do feel that I'm part to blame for the weirdness between us. I get really shy when we sit down at lunch next to Derek but then it's way better when he isn't around and now I don't feel like she totally hates me. I have been acting awkward and quiet and it makes sense that she wouldn't know what to say to me.

School has been great too. I got a 95 on my chemistry test and I brought my 77 to an 84 in geometry so all is good. I'm starting to understand chem a lot more and I'm learning better study skills for all my classes.


I never ended up going to conditioning either. Sabrina is sick and I didn't want to go alone so I'm going to wait until she feels better so we can be there together.


This year is going to be a long one but I'm going to make sure it's a good one.

The Best Days of My Life

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As I mentioned in my last post, this past weekend was State Championships for track! It was held near the beach and was on Friday and Saturday. We left Thursday morning since the meet started really early on Friday and it took a good 6 hours to drive there.

I had a seriously amazing time on the trip. Everyone was just having a good time and enjoying our last couple of days together. Of course, I did talk to Sean. Not as much as I would of liked and definitely not as much as we talked in South Carolina, but we still had a few short conversations and it was nice. I love the feeling I get when I talk to him. Almost like nothing could go wrong and I'm in the best place in the world.

But Thursday, when we went to the beach, I barely even saw him. He was practically avoiding me. When I went to swim in the ocean he left to play volleyball. When I was about to play volleyball, he left to go swimming. I don't really understand why he doesn't want to be around me. I mean, I didn't do anything...

Along with talking to Sean and seeing his hot self at the beach (shirtless!), our team did great at State. Not only do we have seven State Champions on our team, but we also placed really well. The boys won State and the girls got second. We lost by TWO points. Just two. By the last race we were tied for first with another team and we unfortunately lost. We started at a really good lead with the 4x400 relay. But by the third runner we lost our lead and our fourth runner couldn't catch us up. I'm not disappointed though. We all ran our best and most of us ran a personal record! I normally run a 400 in 60-61 seconds but on Saturday I ran it in 59 seconds! Seconds mean a lot in track so when I ran it in 59 seconds I was beyond excited! That has been my goal all year and I reached it!

In all the trip was amazing. Probably the best I've ever been on. I became closer friends with some people, made new friends with others, and just had a great time--period! I cannot wait for next year's track season to begin because I'm still on a high from this past weekend.

Thoughts #4- Loss of Control

I feel like I've lost control. Over my body, my feelings, and my life.
I don't ever talk about it, but I feel so pathetic and useless without control.

Control is like oxygen to me.

I keep getting painful calf cramps after I run my workout at track. I feel lost. I don't know why this is happening? I know that dehydration and lack of good nutrition can trigger this.  I haven't been eating well or drinking enough water, but I'm scared that even if I do, it won't work and the cramps will come back.

Then my feelings. Yesterday after practice I stayed for the boys basketball game. I wasn't really paying attention but my eye did go to one person: Derek. (Now if you are new to my blog or just haven't read about Derek. You need to. Click the label at the end of this post.) I had those feeling come back again. I don't want to feel them and I refuse to acknowledge them.

You don't have to tell me for me to know that I have lost control over my life. I don't get to decide how or when I am going to do something. I don't get to decide how much money I will spend today because it depends on how much money I even have. If I need something, I can't ask and expect to get it soon. I will have to wait. I asked for my own room when I was in the 5th grade. It's been five fucking years and I still don't have a room to myself. I never have and probably never will unless my siblings go off to college. My life is on it's own road, it's just dragging me with it.

Last night, I came home and I cried. I've been holding back all this anger and sadness and telling everyone that I am okay. But I'm not.

Update on Track

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Monday was our first day of conditioning. Half the people were missing since there are other sports like Football, Wrestling, Cheerleading, and Basketball that still have practice.
I also didn't have my physical form so I couldn't join practice. I couldn't go today either. But I will be going tomorrow. I really need to get in shape for tryouts and I need to get in shape for my PE exam. We have to run for 20 minutes to get 25 points towards our exam grade. Which is a lot. I'm definitely not excited for exams next week. I'm not excited for track either.

P.S. I saw Derek Monday at his basketball game...it's so weird seeing him again. Brings back feelings I really don't want to feel.

58 Days and Counting...

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Wow, has it really bean that long since I've been in school? Its gone by so quick! I guess that's what people mean when they look back on high school and wish it went by slower.
So nothing new since my last school update. I do have any projects due next week. I have a Family Tree Project due in French, I have a Desert Biome Project due on Monday and Friday, I have a project where we act out the Galileo trial. Fun right?
My crush on Keagan is gone. Sorry for getting you all excited. I think he's after another girl and I'm not about to fall into the same trap as I did with the Derek and Sabrina incident.
Anyway, I'm going trick or treating tonight so I will post again tomorrow!

Six Days and Counting...

Today was the sixth day of school for me. As you might know, six days ago was my first day of school. So far, I am loving high school! I love the non-strict rules, the new people, the nice teachers, and the laid back dress code. Sure it's not all perfect, I don't have friends in two of my classes. But hey! It's a good way to make friends right?
I've seen Derek a few times in the halls, but we haven't talked. Which is probably a good thing. I need to get over him. I see my two best friends Eva and Sabrina everyday, so I know I'll survive.
I just hope the rest of this year is drama free and all about education and friends.

35 Mondays and 175 days of school to go...

5 Days

So as you all know, about three weeks ago I was invited to go to a track meet in Wisconsin. It would be from the 13th of July to the 18th. I was very nervous since I didn't know anyone except Derek and his sister. I'm very happy I went. I had an amazing time! I made lots of new friends. We went to an aquarium, watched fireworks over Lake Michigan, went to a party, went shopping, and ate out at Golden Corral. It was so much fun! At first it was awkward, but I got to know everyone and had a good time.

The only thing I didn't like were a couple boys there. They kept on making fun of me and calling me ugly. I was a little hurt at first... but then I got over it. Derek was really nice to me. We talked ALOT and flirted even more. He told me I should come back next year since it will be at the beach. And that I should wear a bikini! I hate that I fall for him so fast. Anyway, I will be back next year and I hope he will too. I'm glad I went to Wisconsin. I thought I'd be five days of boredom...but it definitely wasn't. Plus we won the gold at the track meet.

Wisconsin -update

After debating, Ive decided to just do it, sure I wont know anyone, but its called an Ipod honey. I can listen to it, get on facebook and chat with people. It'll be fun, Im sure of it. I can just pretend Derek doesn't exist.Im still crazy nervous, and I know that Ill get more and more anxious the closer the day comes. But Ill do it. I know I will regret it if I dont. Plus, its summer! Who wouldnt want to be going so far out of state to do the thing they love; running.

Wisconsin

Today, about an hour ago actually. My coach from track called and said she wanted me to compete in state at Wisconsin. Now, I live in the south, so agreeing to this was kind of hard. But, it was a good deal; free travel costs, free stay, free food. I didn't have to pay a thing. But I don't know how comfortable I am going, I wont know anyone and the people I do know, I don't really want to see. Like, Derek. Anyway, I'll have to start practicing again, I'll have to start eating healthy again. I already agreed, so I cant say no now. Plus, this is an amazing opportunity for me. I'm so nervous! We don't go until July 14 or so, but the nerves are killing me! It's been so long since Ive raced. Ill be doing little exercises and gradually build up, I'll be crazy sore! Alright, this post is beginning to be too long, so, bye.

Finally, a conversation.

I told myself that I wouldn't post more than two or three times in a week. But I HAD to post today!

It's about Derek.(remember our talk about the nickname).
Today, at school, we talked. About me liking him, and him making out with my best friend.
He said that he didn't like her and that he wouldn't go out with her. Then I told him that I felt bad for her because she thinks he is in love with her. I told him that he should tell her, because she cant just go around thinking that.
Then the conversation turned to me, and how i liked him. Apparently I was "obsessed" with him. According to Derek one day I am going to have a boyfriend and become so obsessed with him that I wont stop calling him, and texting him and he will end up breaking up with me. Really? Because I rarely talk to Derek.Maybe that's why he never wanted me, he thought I was obsessed with him? I mean, my best friend that he made out with isn't even prettier than me, plus she's not what I'd call "skinny", haha. So that has to be the only reason why he would kiss her and not me. Right?
For the most part, I really enjoyed having a conversation with him. Thats all Ive ever wanted. No matter how pathetic it sounds.

Anyway, we will have to get back to this, this post is getting to be too long. Bye girls!

"Derek"

Remember that guy that Ive been crushing on? Well, I decided to finally go ahead and tell you about him:
His name is Marlon, he's athletic (plays Basketball, Football, and runs Track for our school and the summer track program.), nice, funny, hot, and well...he even dresses really good. He has the most gorgeous smile you will ever see. Every time he flashes that smile, a little part inside of me melts. And his body.Don't even get me started. In one word...sexy!
But Lately, he's been giving me a lot of mixed signals. I guess he hasn't really, but since I have liked him for 2 years now, to me he has. So every time he says anything to me, or smiles at me or waves to me...I freak out! I'll get my best friend and Ill tell her all about it.
He doesnt like me. If he did he would have asked me out when he figured out I liked him last year. It sucks really.
Then,last week on Thursday, he made out with my best friend. She didn't even tell me. She tried to keep it a secret but everyone was talking about it. Of course I figured out. So yesterday I confronted her and told her that I was pissed. One, she didn't even bother to tell me, and two, she made out with Marlon. After a long fight about it all, she apologized and we made up.
Now, I know it's stupid to get mad about it, but you have NO IDEA how much I like him.I know it isn't meant to be, but it's just so hard to accept it.

I'll probably update a lot about him, so from now on we'll call him "Derek". (Hence the post title) Because in case, for some weird reason, he ever comes across this site, I don't want his name to catch his attention. I wouldn't want him reading all of this.
*I'll go back and tag all the other posts that mention Derek.*

Im back!

Im so happy to see you guys again!
Here's just a few updates:
1. Ive been in alot of drama with some girl in my school, and how she is trying to steal my guy. But we made up and I no longer like him. And I like it that way.

2.Track season is over. We went to Metro and placed second! Im so proud. And I have gotten 5 metals this track season, along with most joyous player. Which means, I was one of the coach's favorite people on the team! I also got on the school top ten, number three and four (three-400 meter dash, four-4x100 relay). Im so happy and proud of myself.

Im really liking my life right now, but some things I would change.

Im Just Venting:

Guess what? Im pissed today!
My day was going great, I had talked to my crush alot, he even slapped my butt(AH!)and I saw him shirtless during (track)practice. But it all went downhill from there. In track I run the 4x100 meter relay. I ALWAYS run that relay. And now, they've kicked me off the relay and replaced me with 4 girls who are slower than me. I am sooo mad. The 4x100 relay is MY THING, that is just what I do, and now they took me off of it. I deserve to be on it, Ive worked soooo hard.
And then to top my day off I went to a track meet with my friend (after practice) and she got yelled at by her mom for something that was my fault. She was humiliated and sad. She was even crying! So overall my day sucked.