Monday, May 30, 2011

Hurry Up or Wait My Turn?

As always, I'm talking about sex, abstinence, and my friends. What's one more time, right?

Today I woke up to my friend Sabrina messaging me and telling me every little detail of her date the day before. She's been talking to this guy for months, let's call him Ben, and they finally met up at the movies. From what she told me, they did not watch that movie at all!

Apparently they were touching all over each other. She gave him a handjob, she got rubbed all over the place and squeezed all over the place, and they made out for half the movie. I'm not upset about it or jealous or anything.

Just feeling pressured.

I hate to make this about me, but what the hell, this is my blog. I feel like I need to jump on the bandwagon of girls with little to no self-respect.

I mean, don't you want to get to know the guy first and see if he's just looking for some girl to satisfy him or if he actually cares about you and likes you? I don't like to regret anything. Therefore I don't want to do something I'm not ready for.

Not only am I scared of her heart getting broken by this player, but I'm also scared she will do something she will regret, or worse--get an STD or get pregnant. I know for a fact they plan to have sex since he's a guy and she's one of those dumb, horny girls on that same wagon.

I know I'm speaking horribly of my friend and if she ever saw this she wouldn't ever speak to me again, but I can't help but feel the way I feel. I was raised different than this and will always stand by those values.

And it's not just Sabrina and Ben, but it's Eva and Jackass, and a million of my other friends that are having sex. Even Sean has talked about his sexual relationships! I really did and do plan on waiting, but I just feel like eventually sex is all my friends will talk about and I won't be able to relate to them anymore. Not only that but I'll feel awkward and left out. Almost like I need to find some random guy to have sex with just so I can carry a conversation with them.

It's time like these where I feel so confused. And I don't like to talk to anyone about it because no one understands. They just tell me "sex isn't that big of a deal, calm down". Yeah, maybe not to you, or the majority of the world, but to me it is and always will be. It's just hard for me to understand how little people care.

And to answer your question, yes, I will be "waiting my turn". I don't plan on losing my virginity until I'm ready.

Friday, May 27, 2011

The Last Day of School
You can guess by the title of this post that today was my last day of school for the year! It feels so nice to be out of school and not have to drag myself out of bed at 6 every morning.

I still remember getting on the bus to school and being so nervous on that first day. I didn't know who I would talk to, who I would meet, what my teachers were like and now I'm missing my favorite teachers and best friends more than I thought I would.

Out of all my years of school, freshman year has been the hardest so far. Not only was I stressed half the time but I've been so distracted from my work and so lazy with my studying that I made it so much harder for myself. Track also played a huge role in my grade drop. I used to make all A's and B's and then I started losing focus with out-of-town meets and late practices. Soon I found myself pulling up my C's and D's. This semester I have one high C (77), which is a huge disappointment for me. I haven't finished with a C in years. But I also have A's in four of my classes (one of them is a 100), so I'm still happy.

Update- May 30, 2011: We can check our grades online on this thing called STI and it turns out I didn't finish with a C! My grade from Semester 1 pulled it up to a B (82). So in all I finished with four A's and 3 B's.

If it's taught me anything, it's that I need to stop procrastinating and being lazy and instead start working harder. I want to have a high GPA, I want to get amazing grades, and I want to finish high school with a scholarship.

I'm also so happy that I can get back to my regular posts and start having more fun with blogging! I've really missed the blogosphere and....

I survived Freshman year!
 "To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks."
-A.A. Milne

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Thoughts #10- Where Art Thou Father?
I was reading through my blog reading list and one of the people I follow posted a Q&A type thing, but one question really stuck with me:

"If you had the ability, strength and moment to tell one person on this Earth something that you've never said before- what would it be and to whom would you say it?"

Right off the bat I knew the answer to this. I would tell my father exactly how I feel about the way he abandoned my mom and left our family. I'd tell him how much it hurt to go through so many hard times in life and not have him there for support. When we lost our house, he wasn't there. When I had to be driven to the emergency room, he had no idea. When my Uncle died, we had to call him to drive up and come see us. He was never there and will never get to see me grow up.

I know he cares about me and my family. He calls when he hears theres been a natural disaster, he calls on Christmas, New Years, etc. But sometimes he doesn't remember things like Birthdays or graduation. We would have to call him to tell him about it.

That's just not the way things should happen in a family. Fathers should be around for their children and they are supposed to celebrate Christmas with their family. Like on TV.

Yes, not everything can be perfect. But something like this is no excuse for breaking up our family. And I will never, ever forgive him for ruining my childhood and family.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Last Goodbye

Last night we had our track banquet for the 2011 season. Not only did I have a lot of fun but me and a certain someone had a little "moment". Or at least I'd like to call it that.

First let's talk about the banquet in general. Our entire team reunited and we had dinner and talked and had a good time. Afterwards awards, trophies, and certificates were given out to certain athletes. There were Coachs' Awards, Most Outstanding Athlete Award and etc. I was lucky to win one of the Coach's Awards where one coach gets to pick two of their top, or favorite, athletes (a guy and a girl). I was beyond excited to get one, especially as a freshman! Sean also got an award, but that was for Most Outstanding Athlete.

photo credit:
Alright, now to the good stuff. Sean and I had a moment before we left the banquet. Everyone was taking pictures, and saying their last goodbyes and we sat there and talked about this year and how fun the season was. And then...he shook my hand as if to say "Good season, you performed great", only, he held onto my hand after the hand shake! It was a good minute or two before we both realized what was going on and let go. And let me just say, his hands are so soft! We ended our conversation by saying that we all have to get together and do something over the summer.

Yes, yes we do Sean.
photo credit:

Friday, May 13, 2011
"Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Sunday, May 08, 2011

The Best Days of My Life
As I mentioned in my last post, this past weekend was State Championships for track! It was held near the beach and was on Friday and Saturday. We left Thursday morning since the meet started really early on Friday and it took a good 6 hours to drive there.

I had a seriously amazing time on the trip. Everyone was just having a good time and enjoying our last couple of days together. Of course, I did talk to Sean. Not as much as I would of liked and definitely not as much as we talked in South Carolina, but we still had a few short conversations and it was nice. I love the feeling I get when I talk to him. Almost like nothing could go wrong and I'm in the best place in the world.

But Thursday, when we went to the beach, I barely even saw him. He was practically avoiding me. When I went to swim in the ocean he left to play volleyball. When I was about to play volleyball, he left to go swimming. I don't really understand why he doesn't want to be around me. I mean, I didn't do anything...

Along with talking to Sean and seeing his hot self at the beach (shirtless!), our team did great at State. Not only do we have seven State Champions on our team, but we also placed really well. The boys won State and the girls got second. We lost by TWO points. Just two. By the last race we were tied for first with another team and we unfortunately lost. We started at a really good lead with the 4x400 relay. But by the third runner we lost our lead and our fourth runner couldn't catch us up. I'm not disappointed though. We all ran our best and most of us ran a personal record! I normally run a 400 in 60-61 seconds but on Saturday I ran it in 59 seconds! Seconds mean a lot in track so when I ran it in 59 seconds I was beyond excited! That has been my goal all year and I reached it!

In all the trip was amazing. Probably the best I've ever been on. I became closer friends with some people, made new friends with others, and just had a great time--period! I cannot wait for next year's track season to begin because I'm still on a high from this past weekend.

Friday, May 06, 2011

"When you reach the heart of life, you shall find beauty in all things, even in the eyes that are blind to beauty."
-Kahlil Gilbran

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

I have some pretty exciting news. Exciting for me at least! Today we had Sectionals for track and if you finished in the top six you get to go to State. And guess who made it to State? Yes, that would be me.

Our 4x400 meter relay team qualified for State! We finished second in our race but had a really good time. I'm really excited because my favorite runner, Sean, is going also! State is going to be held in an area right on the beach so we will of course be going down there for an hour or so, just for fun.

I have been waiting for this day to see Sean in all his hot shirtless glory! You don't even know. Don't worry, after State I will be writing a nice, long, detailed post all about what happened.

What makes me upset is that after this week and after state I don't get to see him until next year. I'm a freshman and he's a junior so most likely I won't see him around school. Track is really the best way for me to see him.

All I can do is make the best of this last week and just have fun. Yeah, that sounds about right. I'll let you know how that works out.