Friday, June 24, 2011

Love...At First Sight

I've spent this entire Summer thinking about Sean. Wishing I could see him again, wishing he was mine. Just wishing I could go back and make things between us happen.

So far one month of Summer Break is up and not one week has passed when I haven't thought to myself "I want him to be mine."

It's pathetic, yes. It's sad, I know.

The chances of anything ever happening between us is so slim. Maybe he's just not interested anymore.

Is it so wrong that I want to be with him? I've never felt like this. Ever.

If only...

He is seriously my dream guy (minus a few things of course). I've said it before, but I'll gladly say it again. He's sweet, funny, nice and outgoing. He's incredibly attractive with an amazing smile and outstanding body. He makes me feel confident and pretty. Probably 85% of the times we've seen each other have been times when I'm sweaty or makeup free and he treats me the same and I feel the same.

It seems so simple with him. He knows how to treat a girl. He's honest and he's so respectful. The only type of guy I'd ever want to be with. I'm just so sure that he doesn't feel the same way that it kills me.

I don't want to get ahead of myself, I'm only 15 after all, but...maybe it really was love at first sight with Sean. I don't believe in it but how else can I explain this?

I mean, did that bus ride conversation end there? Is that as far as it's going to go?

Because it's a shame if it is.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Lying and Flooding

Who would have thought those two things would be in one post?

Let's start with the lying. Just two days ago, on Wednesday, Eva called me to go hang out. Of course it was short notice and I had no time to get ready. Not to mention I had no ride and no money. So we didn't go to the mall like she wanted.

But later she wanted me to come over to her house. I didn't really want to because I didn't want to miss So You think You Can Dance which officially started that day. I lied to her instead and told her that my mom was coming to pick us up so we could go take graduation pictures for my sister and brother.

She believed me and we sat and talked for a while on the phone. I later hung up claiming I had to go get ready for the pictures. Another lie.

I don't know what's worse, the fact that I lied or the fact that I didn't feel bad about it?

I'm guessing Karma had it coming for me when it stormed last night. There was so much hail and an incredible wind coming through. My back yard also flooded. I was horrified and so scared for my life. The storm wasn't even that bad, but the thought of a flood was so bad. Thankfully it didn't come up too high and the storm passed within two hours.

Here's a picture of what it looked like:

But I have a feeling that this was some kind of message by the dear Karma.

Thank you, I get your point now.

Lying is bad.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Who, Me?

Short post today.

Yesterday I went shopping, of course for nail polish, and at the store I was in, a man was with his son and what looked to be his girlfriend. She was going around looking for things to buy and I could hear him talking to his son and telling him to "go say something to that girl".

I was looking around, trying not to look obvious, and searching for whoever he was talking about.

He kept on saying to his son "she's cute, go on and say something."

It was a small store so there wasn't too many people around and it turns out, he was talking about me! By the time I figured that out I was already blushing and trying to hide my face.

His son never said anything to me, which is a good thing considering he looked way too young for me anyway (at least 12 years old). He seemed really shy, and although I thought it was adorable, I wasn't into him.

I was really flattered by it though.

I left that store with a smile on my face and a whole lot of confidence.

The ABC's of Minty

Just a fun post I've been seeing go around...

A. Age:

B. Bed Size:

C. Chore you hate:
Every chore! It's way too hard to just pick one.

D. Day:
Friday for sure. I love knowing that it's the end of the week, no more school for a few days and I can stay up late and not worry about waking up at 6 AM.

E. Essential start to your day:
Take a shower, get dressed, and drink a cup of OJ for breakfast. Same thing everyday.

F. Favorite Color:
I love green!
G. Gold or Silver:
Gold, it's just gorgeous!

H. Height: 
Around 5"3. Something like that.

I. Instruments:
Never played an instrument in my life., that was the recorder. It hardly counts, but I was pretty good at it if I must say so myself.
J. Job title:
Student. Or at least it should be a job, it's not very easy.

K. Kids: 
Uh...I'm 15, so I think zero is a good number.

L: Live:
I live in the United States of America. Freedom feels great.

M: Mom's name:

O: Overnight hospital stays:
None, and hopefully I'll never have to stay overnight at a hospital.

P: Pet peeve:
If you've read my blog for a while, you'll know I hate, I mean really hate when people walk into a room and do not close the door. It was closed when you came in, right? Right. So close it on your way out!
Q: Quote from a movie: 
"You jump, I jump, remember?" LOVE Titanic. It's the most romantic, beautiful and sad movie I have ever seen in my life.

R: Right or left handed:

S: Siblings:
1 half sister (same father, different mothers), 1 sister and 1 brother.

T: Time you wake up:
6 AM on the weekdays, around 8 AM on the weekends. I'm a morning person. Unless I sleep really, really late (like 3 AM) I always wake up before 9 AM in the morning.

U: Underwear: 
Yes and no. I love going commando, but I also like wearing underwear. Especially if it's cute!
V: Vegetables you dislike:
To be honest, I'm a veggie person. I like pretty much all vegetables but never will I enjoy a mushroom. The texture is too much on it's own, don't even get me started on the taste...

W: What makes you run late:
I'm usually always on time if it's up to me when I leave. But usually if I'm late, it is someone else's fault. I"m never late to ride the bus but when my mom has to drive me, we're almost always late.

X: X-ray's you've had:
I'm not sure if I've ever had an x-ray. Maybe when I was little and I just can't remember.

Y: Yummy food you make: 
I don't like to brag, but I do make the best breakfast bowls. I'm not the best when it comes to cooking, but I'm telling you, my breakfast bowls are no joke! I add all types of sliced, fresh fruit, topped with syrup and then whip cream on top all in a bread bowl. The bread by the way is glazed with sugar and cinnamon. It's the best thing you could have for breakfast.
Z: Zoo: 
I can see whoever created this had limited options for words that began with Z. But yes, I have been to the zoo. I'm in love with the pretty flamingos!

Sunday, June 05, 2011

No Vulnerability

I know what my problem is.

I shut people out. I don't allow myself to get emotionally attached to anyone. I'm afraid to come off as weak.

Why? Because as soon as I do, that person will be gone.

When I was a young, so young I can't even remember, my father left us. My mom always tells me how he didn't treat us right and how his own friends even noticed. My mom took us and started a new life for us. A life without my father. A life my father clearly enjoyed.

At first he would visit us all the time and call almost everyday. He'd be there for Christmas, New Years, Birthdays, even small things like if one of us got sick. But eventually he stopped. He stopped calling, visiting, and he stopped caring.

At that point I was old enough to know what was going on. He had become a drunk, a smoker and someone who couldn't get enough of partying. We, his own family, didn't even matter to him anymore.

I was attached, too far in and was crushed.

He'd call...sometimes. He'd visit...rarely. He'd care...enough to send money. Other than that, he was barely my father. More like a stranger.

Thankfully I was young and was able to trust again.

Fast forward to Junior High. My first year of Junior High I met a girl. We can call her Jennifer. We instantly became friends and in no time were best friends. We'd go to the mall every weekend and I'd spend the night at her house every other weekend. If I had a problem I'd call her crying and she was always there to comfort me. She didn't judge me and never made me feel bad about myself. Jennifer, to this day, was the best friend I had ever had. One day I got a call from her saying that shes moving. I was speechless. She was moving to Indiana. Far, far away from where we lived at the time. She moved that summer. We kept in touch for about a year and then we never saw each other again. She was my best friend, and she left me. She left my life.

Through all of this my other "best friend" Eva was mad at me, for a good two months. Why? I have no idea. One day she just refused to talk to me. I'd beg her to talk to me, work things out. But she refused to even be in the same room as me. It hurt me so much that she didn't care. I had no one to talk to.

I'd lost Eva and Jennifer. And soon I'd lose someone else.

My Uncle had been suffering from Bacterial Meningitis for about a year and a half. He was always in unbearable pain, screaming for his life, praying the pain would end. At one point he lost his sight. We knew the end was near. When it happened--when he died--I didn't even cry. Didn't say anything. I didn't know what to say or how to feel. My mom broke the news to me. I was quiet for a moment and then I said "how?" Apparently the doctors found him dead in his hospital bed. This is the man that lived with us for years. Since I could remember! He was my father-figure. In my mind, he replaced my father. The man I loved so much and he too, like my dad, Eva, and Jennifer, left me.

Another two years passed. Eva and I became friends again, but now she's a slut. At this point she didn't give two shits about me. She was head over heels for this guy in our school called Kevin. Some guy who made his way through life thinking only with his penis. Anytime he was around, it's like I wasn't. She'd give him handjobs during class, expose herself to him. She practically said to him "I'm here, take advantage of me. Make me worthless" And that's exactly what he did.

I'd try to tell her that he wasn't right for her. That she's gorgeous and she deserved better. She'd get mad at me, ignore me and talk bad about me to her other friends. "Minty's a virgin, she doesn't understand, she's too religious, she'll never do anything" Words can't explain how much it hurt. I was trying to help her and she rejected me.

As much as it hurt me to see I was slowly losing my best friend, I also knew I didn't want to feel this way again. I didn't want to feel the way I did when I got that call from Jennifer, I didn't want to feel the way I did the night I begged Eva to talk to me and she refused. I didn't want that horrible feeling I had when my Uncle passed. And I definitely didn't want to feel the way I did on the first birthday I spent without a father.

I learned to shut out my feelings and avoid feeling them at all. The more I shut people out the easier it became to deal with things. The less I was hurt, the easier things were. It hurts to hold it all in, but I can't be vulnerable. I've been hurt too many times and I refuse to feel that way again.

Friday, June 03, 2011

Thoughts #11- Natural is Beautiful
I now realize that I never told you about the day I went with zero makeup to school.

I know that lots of girls come to school with no makeup and some girls don't ever wear makeup at all. But me, no. I normally wear makeup every single day to school. Whether it's just a small amount of mascara or an entire eye look with eyeshadow, eye liner and mascara.

Well, I was reading Seventeen Magazine one Saturday afternoon and there was this small article where girls all around the nation took a challenge to wear no makeup for a day. One girl even said that it took her less time to get ready in the morning. Of course, knowing me and how long it takes me to get ready for school, I accepted the challenge!

I planned to do it on Monday since the weekend is over and we're back in school, but I forgot. Tuesday morning, on my first day of exams, I woke up and was prepared. I took my shower, got dressed, did my hair, and completely skipped out on the makeup. I saved a whole 10-15 minutes and instead spent it on eating a good breakfast.

Throughout my day at school, I felt so confident, so free, so...pretty. No one gave me weird looks, no one even mentioned the fact that I was makeup-less. They probably didn't notice or could care less. So the 15 minutes I spend on makeup everyday is a total waste. It made me realize that wearing a lot of makeup makes me feel fake and unattractive, when in reality, natural is the most beautiful. I can't even begin to explain how great I felt!

Of course I was scared. I was expecting that everyone would ask me why I looked so different, or what happened to me. I was also expecting that I'd feel awkward and uncomfortable and unattractive. But none of that happened. In fact, my experience was so good that I didn't really wear makeup for the rest of the week--and I loved every second of it.