30 Days Challenge- Day 23

Let's pick up where we left off, shall we...?

Something that means a lot to you.

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My purity ring.

Before you start laughing, let me tell you, this is nothing like the Jonas Brothers. I'm not going to write songs about me being abstinence and then rush and marry someone just to get laid.

No. I simply do not like the idea of sex before marriage for myself and so I wear this ring to remind myself that I am worth waiting for. I'm not going to "give in" to all the pressure from the media and at school.

Where Will Life Take Me?

So I'm on Spring Break and I have nothing to do, nowhere to go, and no one to talk to.

It then leads me to thinking; how long will this last?

This is not the first time I've felt lonely. I've felt this way many times before.
Like no one wants me or wants to talk to me even though deep down I know that isn't true.

But then I think about my future. I want to get married to someone who loves me and that I love back. And I want to be with that person for a really, really long time--until I die. But what if no one wants that with me? What if I never find that man? What if I die alone and never get to be truly in love?

I'm scared of that happening and every time I hear stories of couples that are madly in love or watch movies about newly weds I fear that I will never have that.

Love is such a beautiful thing, so is marriage, and hell, so is sex!
But if I never find "the one" or some one I will never get to experience any of those things that I've always dreamed about.

I have plenty of time. I'm only 15. But time flies by and in no time I could be 50 and single. My whole life I've only had a couple boyfriends. One of which was in the kindergarten and hardly counts as a boyfriend.

If I could go to the future and just see what I'm doing and who I'm with, that would settle this anxiety.

A New Perspective

I'm beginning to see a new light to abstinence and having sex before marriage.

I'm not sure if I want to be abstinence for religious (I'm Catholic) or moral reasons.
Maybe I need that security of being with someone who is in a committed relationship since I don't want another guy to leave my life (my father), or maybe it's because I'm secretly afraid of being alone or rejected.

But then I think about how religious I am and I can't bear the thought of losing my virginity without being married first. It just doesn't feel right.

Is it selfish to ask the man I love to wait for me? To marry me if he ever wants to have sex?
Is it wrong to deny my feelings and wants by putting marriage in the way? What if we get a divorce? What if sexually, we aren't compatible but we're already married to each other?

Some people do not get married until they are in their 30's, 40's even 50's. And some people don't get married at all. I don't want to be a 40 year old virgin.

For the most part, I still want to wait. I really, really do. But then again I can't have sex without someone else and what if the man I love disagrees with my decision of abstinence?

I've been thinking about this for months and with all the pressure of sex at school (3 of my friends are already getting into it)...I just don't know.

My Dream Wedding

(This is part of the 30 Days Challenge- Day 7 to be exact)

I love to talk about these types of things. I've already done my perfect date and my perfect dream guy and now the big one...the wedding.

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My perfect wedding would be so angelic and beautiful. 

The three main colors would be white, black and yellow: yellow roses, yellow cake, black detailing, white floors, white/black chairs, and so on.

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 My wedding dress would beautiful beyond belief!

I'd walk down the aisle in the most delicately placed, crystallized dress known to man. I'd be glistening as I move and others would die of envy.

As soon as I put on my dress, ready to walk down that aisle, I'd cry like a baby.

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I want the most delicious, yet pretty cake I can get my hands on. Preferably one with enough drama without being over the top or tacky.

All my loved ones will be there including my close friends.

My groom will be dressed in the finest tux and looking as handsome as ever.

Clean shave, nice hair, and even a nice man-icure.

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And my makeup...dramatic while still being subtle.

Overall, I just want my wedding to be as beautiful and memorable as possible. If I could pick the perfect wedding, it would be something like this.

Now my real wedding will probably be a lot more planning and a lot less money than this...but hey, a girl can dream right?

My Perfect Dream Guy

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Someone who's nice, funny, smart and open-minded. A romantic, trustworthy, loyal, outgoing guy. Who has an amazing body and even better tan. Cute smile, baseball player's butt, scruffy beard and toned arms. Wealthy, drives a Lamborghini, spoils me, and takes me out to fancy restaurants. 6'1, sexy accent, athletic, dark hair, and of course is amazing in bed.

credit: images.starpulse.com

I want a guy who can make me feel better and make me feel beautiful. Someone who doesn't get scared when I have my hair in a bun and no makeup on.
Someone who understands me and doesn't want to change me. Someone who can be hilarious in a funny situation, but then completely mature in a serious one. Someone who doesn't mind that I have to have the door closed and the blinds closed tight when I sleep. A guy who likes my short hair and doesn't want me to change it. Someone who isn't afraid to brag about me to his friends. Someone who remembers my birthday, our anniversaries, our first kiss, our first date. A guy who isn't afraid of commitment and remains faithful to me. Someone that I will never lose and will someday marry. Someone I can be happy with for the rest of my life.

I can't wait for the day that I meet this guy.

10 Things I Want To Do Before I'm 40

Vacation in another country. I'd love to visit New Zealand or Mexico.

 Get married. I want to fall in love and be with that person 'til the day that I die.



 Face a fear. I am acrophobic, I am terrified of heights! If I face that fear, I can do anything.



 Get a tattoo. I want to be able to look back and think "I remember the day I got this tattoo..."


Go skinny dipping in the ocean. I've gone skinny dipping before, but doing it at the beach puts a new spin on it!


Own over 40 pairs of shoes. It'd be nice to have a closet full of shoes. On my 40th birthday, I'll buy the 40th pair.


Have my dream career. How many people can say that they love their job? Well I want to be one of them that do.


 Donate blood. Someone out there needs it more than I do.


Eat at a fancy restaurant alone and enjoy it!


Be a member of the audience in a t.v. show. Saturday Night Live anyone?


In 25 years, I hope I'll have completed this list.

I pledge...

I pledge...
...to never give up on the person I have feelings for.
...to be true to myself.
...to respect myself and my body.
...to let go of the pressure in my life, whether it's friends or enemies.
...to wait until I'm in love for marriage.
...to wait until marriage for sex.

Equality

Prop 8 was overturned! I'm so happy! If you didn't know, I am really big on gay rights. So when I heard that gay marriage was allowed in California in 2005, I was really excited! Then Prop 8 was passed. I don't understand why two people who love each other, gay or straight, aren't allowed to marry. Anyway, now Prop 8 is gone! Gay people have the right to marry again! Hopefully this time it'll last.
Click here for more on the defeat of Prop 8.

Waiting

Today I was watching The Tyra Banks Show and it was an episode about how girls can re-invent theIr virginity. How, even if you lose it for some reason, you can start over. I'm a proud virgin, so when I saw this I was really upset. If you lost your virginity, in your own will, you have to deal with it. Not brush it off and pretend it never happened.

I plan on waiting until marriage to have sex. I know...people will think "Oh, you are so naive! You're just saying this now." But no. I'm committed to saving myself, because I have too much self respect to go and have sex with some guy. Alot of my friends have already started being sexual with their boyfriends. I've seen what happens to them emotionally; crying themselves to sleep, having a reputation for being a "whore", losing self-esteem. I'm not letting that happen to me, so Im waiting until marriage for sex.